Diamonds and Dogshit Report- Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon

I entered a trachea once, and the bitch never called back.

Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon

Sculptured Software/Heath Hero Network inc. 1993

SNES (but oddly enough never released for the crappier systems)

When a console dies off, it becomes a sort of free for all to see just exactly what was made for it. The Nintendo Gamecube- while largely ignored and died ungracefully and unfairly- is now being sought after due to its low aftermarket price and little-known gems of games that were released for it. Some of these games turn out to be great finds, proving that sometimes hype doesn't always equal success. Games like R-type are a fine example (I'd never heard of them until now, and I'm addicted to all games R-type), we rarely heard about it but when you've played it you wonder just how it got past you.

Then there’s the shit that was better left not made. Games based on sitcoms, movies, board games, TV soaps or any game with porn and nudity in it. You would think that these properties, with all the money invested towards them- that developers would put some extra TLC into them. Nope. ET, Enter the Matrix and even the Tim Allen sitcom "Home Improvement" all flopped once made into pixeled adventures.
Here's a game that isn't based on anything really other than a decent idea, but still was a pile o' shit. You play as Rex Ronan, a doctor doing a new experimental surgery to a patient that is dying of smoking-related symptoms. This patient is a heavy smoker and why? its his job. He worked as a salesman for a huge tobacco company and his career has now backfired and is killing him. Rex Ronan’s only big idea rather than chemo and telling this man to lay off the smokes is to shrink himself to a microscopic size and scrub out all the tar, pre-cancerous cells and even tooth stains. 9 years of medical school and the poor, micronic bastard has to travel into the center of this mans sternum to cure his cancer. Armed with a Ghostbusters-like ray gun, a flying ship, and dressed in full purple spandex, this man is ready to kick some cancerous ass.

The sci fi classic movie Fantastic Voyage comes to mind sure, but this wasn't really based on that. It is its own bad idea. RR:ES is a title as awful as it is obscure, but really the concept and story of the game isn't THAT bad its just poorly executed. This game suffers from bugs, failure controls and graphics that leave a lot to be desired. But I'll have more on that later.

Now as your scrubbing the inner walls of this mans throat and lungs, you'll face an army of nano robots. These bots are programmed to kill you before you complete your mission in saving this mans life and have been planted there by the tobacco company to insure that the patient never blows his whistle on them. You see, there’s another great idea: corporate paranoia. Unfortunately for the tobacco company they only built robots that were made of legos 'cause they die so easily. If they don't fall apart easily then they're cheap as hell and replicated 1,000 times. Bullshit.

This game is plagued (or cancer riddled) with the dullest missions and most lifeless levels. One such in particular is the level where you use your spaceship (or BODY ship-whatever) to travel through this patients bronchial tubes or wind pipe and have to avoid mucus (all in a very unplayable third person perspective). Not just any mucus though, its some kind of acidy mucus that eats away at the metal of your ship and is so solid that you can crash into it. Shooting at the snot balls gives you points and also is an expensive and dangerous alternative to just prescribing this man some cough syrup.

The look of the game is ok, but still could use some accuracy as far as human anatomy is concerned. I know that a humans throat does not have twists and turns and two-way tunnels and I never went to medical school or even college. Lungs in this game look like sewer tunnels lined with a semen-like substance that is supposed to be cancer cells. Robots are all cloned one after another and attack you in large groups making up for the ease of their demise by just all ganging up on you. The bullshittery is topped off by the worst sound samples and music that would make you want to stay inside an elevator to hear MIDI tracks of 'man eater' by Hall and

Oats until you attacked your eardrums with a q-tip and a hammer.

Sculptured Software gave us the Mortal Kombat games on the SNES and they also gave us this. I guess everyone makes mistakes, but how far does the process of making shit like this take before someone was smart enough to stand up in the office and say "Hey guys, this game is a travesty. Maybe we ought to stop here before it gets out of hand." Along with being boring its also an edutainment game that attempts to demonize tobacco, and the tobacco industry long before the meaningless laws were made.

According to the surgeon general and groups of heath-Nazi Californians, a man smoking a cig at the beach 20 feet away from you is attempting to kill you with his filthy habit. I don't smoke but as I played this I really suddenly had a hankering for a pack of camels. I just wanted to light up that loosy and suck that smooth, chemical enhanced flavor and be as fuckin cool as Steve-fuckin-Mcqueen. Ironic huh?

The 90's saw a revolution in the hopes of a smoke free world. First there were smoking sections to keep those smelly breathed, yellow toothed offenders in a small corner of the restaurant or bar. Then they had to go outside. Now we have them standing 25 feet from the building. I guess next they'll just make them smoke in oncoming traffic. What’s that smell? hmm nope its not a Marlboro- its the sweet smell of Prejudice, ladies and gents. I know smoking is bad and expensive but- for fucks sake- why not just have smoking bars and non-smoking bars and let Americans MAKE UP THEIR OWN MIND!? They have gay bars right? I'm not gay so I don't go (unless I just want to get my dance on)

oh wait. I know why- because that would be called *freedom*, something that died about 8 years ago.

Enough of the rants. I just have a problem with educational games and propaganda. This game is both. So it might be good that this game didn't make any tracks and was discovered on a ROM collection CD while I was bored. But think about it- back in the old days of gaming people could buy this sort of thing on a cartridge and spend almost 40 bucks for it.

On a happy note, Fantastic Voyage would be a great game, provided it was medically accurate and more fun than cleaning the walls of a mans lungs. You could have different missions and objectives. Like curing prostate cancer! Who wouldn't want to be play a video game that takes place inside a mans 'gouch'? Wait...never mind.

Difference between improvement and revolution (the Street Fighter story)

(sorry for writing an article that ends in depression-haha)

In 1987, video games had made a successful comeback. Nintendo had helped the industry recover from the crippling 1983 video game crash and arcades made a healthy profit. Arcades were delivering the games that were not always availiable to home consoles and if they were, the games were extremely limited. A prime example is a game called Strider, a platformer in arcades that was so poorly handled on the NES that people assumed that it really WASN'T the same Strider.

Arcades had some great games, but the NES was making things easier; no trip to play games- just plug and play. The downside to that was nearly EVERY game on the original NES was about the same. Beat Em Up's were huge and this was mainly due to the popular Double Dragon series. From that point on games were all about walking left to right and punching and kicking ANYTHING that walked in your direction. WHY? because those fucks kidnapped your girlfriend. Again.

This formula was wearing thin around 85. The same man attacking you over and over really starts to suck at about Level six and most of these games didn't even have good endings that made you feel good about your accomplishment. It would have been nice to see after awhile a cool cartoon porno scene come up after you've saved your frail waif again from the clutches of the evil crime boss-ninja-robot assassin- whatever. But again, it was all about the adventure getting to the end, and if the roll of quarters you brought to the arcade didn't get you there, then the Game Genie cartridge strap-on could.

Fuck that. It was old news. Then something happened. A little company called Capcom took the beat em up concept and made something of it that didn't require the monotony of fighting the same man twice. Head to head action, colorful characters and special moves. The even stranger part is that no one saw it coming and most of it hadn't been done in such a grand scale before.

Anything would have been better than its main competitor. The only other fighting game at the time that was Head to head style was the 2600's Atari game simply titled 'Karate'. This game blows beyond anything else. The classic mess ET: the extra terrestrial is 6 feet under the ground in New Mexico and this game is probably still floating around in pawn shops and antique stores, is there no justice in the world? If you want to see just how awful things can get on the 2600 then click here. Your Lego collection could look better at fighting than this.

But with this piece of shit giving reason for you to attack an Atari cart with a hammer, Street Fighter premiered in that same time and blew minds. When your partner games in the Arcade is ANOTHER Double Dragon clone and a 4 color Atari pong game with stick men, then success presents itself naked at your bedside.

For those of you that don't remember or have never played, Street Fighter 1 was amazingly small compared to its latter game Street Fighter II. In the first installment, you only got to pick 1 man, Ryu (Yes, THAT Ryu). You would have light-medium-and fierce punches and kicks to mix it up. You got 3 special moves which we all saw in SFII: the hurricane kick, the fireball, and the Shroyuken punch. Despite all these limits, it was still the best thing out there, and was only available at arcades and on the Turbo Graphix console (that few of us owned). It doubtful that the NES would have been able to pull this game off, seeing that it was so detailed and had real (but crappy) digitized voiced dialogue [to be honest the only phrase you could hear being spoken was after you won a match when your opponent said "What strength! But remember there are many guys like you all over the world." ].

The reception wasn't all that big for the first Street Fighter but it was enough to prompt a sequel. The rest-as they say- is history, but the jump from 1 to II was big. There was 8 fighters instead of just 1. The story was different for each character you picked. SFII may have been just a way of classically reviving a dead franchise because in video games 6 years is a LONG wait for a sequel. 6 years gave us a lot of time to get better home systems made which is why the SNES version might be the best arcade translation ever for that time.

The Genesis released the Champion Edition of SFII but with only 3 buttons on the controller for a 6 button game WHY FUCKIN' BOTHER. Nintendo and the SF games gave the industry a clue when it came to designing a game controller: you needed at least 6 buttons. These games are very reason Sega had to make the Model 3 Genesis (with a new 6 button controller).

The list of later Street Fighter games is long enough for me to not want to name them all on this page- if you want that list, go to wikipedia. It seemed to take a long time for this series to make a Street Fighter 3, and when it finally did the reception was lukewarm and bittersweet. We even got to see the series get a 3d face lift with the Street Fighter EX games, giving the snail paced Virtua Fighter a run for its money.

As of writing this, Street Fighter 4 is on its way to the latest generation systems like the Xbox 360, PS3 and the Wii. I, however don't own any of these systems and really am not holding my breath on this newest chapter.

Am I too old? No. Am I pissed that it took over a decade for Capcom to count to 4? No. My real reason for not caring about SF4 is that I'm one of a few that remember the series true roots and the real secret to all its charm. Whatever 3d multi-polygon- cinematic shit comes of this new game will just depress me even more.

Sometimes change isn't always good.

Land before 'Prime' (aka: my 'Fuck Halo' article)

[Whilst I was prancing around at a Wal-mart, I noticed the racks I call the 'Covet wall'. The video game racks, this section of the store gets me a lot of shady looks, mostly because I get caught humping the PS3 case. I won't lie, I want that thing. Behind these racks of all I lust, I see it. HALO. ]

Fuck Halo!

Sorry x-box fans- it just has to be said.

During the holidays I was keeping my researching eye on the 3 latest and greatest consoles on the market: The Wii, PS3, and the Xbox 360. All of these systems are fantastic and each of them have that ONE great feature that separates one from the other, weather its a new fangled way to control games or graphics so good you can count the strands of the characters ass hair.It was amazing the Nintendo won some ground with its underpowered, yet innovatively functional Wii (last year which was the consoles launch they couldn't even give those things away).

There are some 'killer apps' that have debuted in games. Guitar Hero, where you use a fucked up controller to play 'imaginary riffs' of legendary songs. Rock Band- a game just like GH but way more complicated and covers all the instruments along with a guitar. These games are fine in my book but it kinda pisses me off that 'party games' seem to dominate right now as of writing this article (1-12-08). While games with stories and real epic scale seem to be out of ideas or taking from other greater ideas from the past (IE. Bionic Commando is getting a xBox 360 face lift).

In this pile of games that are either sequels, remakes or crap is a game that is so derivative and dull that it amazes me that people spend hours playing it. Ha-fucking-lo. I understand the greatness of its multiplayer functions, and I guess i just don't have that gene in me that digs being called slurs over and over and being fragged repeatedly by people who spend their lives playing this shit.

These people that play this game hours on end are a sad lot. Most of them unemployed and overweight. I'm sure many of them don't have girlfriends and if they do, they are most certainly embarrassed to be with that couch tumor that's playing Halo. There is a line fanboys must draw in order to keep things sane. There's 1.)a big fan, then there's 2.)pathetically obsessed, then 3.) useless to society. Number 1 is someone that plays a game moderately and has beaten the game a few times and at the most knows a few tricks and secrets. Number 2 is someone that knows all the tricks, but still has to enter a cheat code, look at an FAQ but hell if you want that 'Special ending' your going to have to make an effort even if your up till 3am and have to call in sick at work and sacrifice a night of sex. If your number 3, then fuck you. Number 3 people have no job, don't need sleep, and can't have sex because a giant roll of fat covers their genitalia. That fan is death matching against everyone via broadband, and doing it all from his mothers basement.

I love FPS's and its single player story is very well done, but this games level design leaves something to be desired. That something is VARIETY.

Before I go further I should point out whom you play as in Halo. The Master Chief. A bio engineered man in a battle suit from the future. The United Nations has awoken you from cryo-stasis while your spaceship is under attack. This idea isn't all that new nor original, in fact its Demolition Man meets Universal Soldier meets Aliens. What are you fighting against? The covenant, an alien race hell bent on destroying man because...

because... Shit they don't really mention that. Well at least not in the games campaign mode. Anyways the covenant are a diverse group with a few different ranks from tall foot soldiers called Elites to pint-sized pawns called Grunts that remind you of Ewoks from Star Wars. The one thing I found cool about this game is that Grunts are really pussies and run away screaming as you run behind them with barrels blazing.

The rest of Halo,-at least the first game-is dominated with repetitive levels that love to tease and force you to walk back through them 3 times or more. For a game that only came on 1 cd, it took me forever to finish it. The ending wasn't worth my time, either. Its a good game but not life consumingly good.

Many who grew up in the 80's and 90's remember a great series Nintendo came up with in the heyday of the NES. Metriod! This was a side scroller with a protagonist with a special suit and what was better is that inside that suit was a hot chick name Samus. Master Chief needed to go hunting and find weapons, while Samus was already armed. Samus had an arm cannon with unlimited regular ammo and could fire a variety of special rockets. The NES version of Metroid was interesting because Samus's suit was usually tight pants and a pair of 'fuck me' knee high moon boots. The Snes version she was more covered and in a suit that allowed her to morph into balls, and dash through whatever got into her way. For the time these were all amazing ideas and it was all original.

Samus is a bounty hunter, a free spirit, a lone wolf. She has her own damn spaceship. Her own weapons. Her mission is to recover a Metroid organism and bring it back to scientists for it to be analyzed. Metriods however are highly desirable and every slimy fuck in the galaxy wants to reproduce them and perhaps make them into a weapon. Its 1 woman against the universe and the only thing guarding her is her special suit.

Master Chief on the other hand is a total flunky. He is part of the United Nations armed forces and is forced to do what he's told. Aside from a protective suit he doesn't get much else, except for Cortana, an artificial intelligence program in the form of a woman that lives inside his helmet. Cortana is a nagging bitch, constantly telling Master Chief everything she thinks he needs to know. Sucks to be a puppet on a string for someone that isn't even real.

Super Metriod rocks. I loved this game during the SNES days. In fact everyone loved it, and it is long considered the best the SNES had to offer. The levels look lush and dark and surreal, the sound is organic and yet still very much other-worldly futuristic. The gameplay is very easy to follow, but at the same time there's a lot of times you have to 'figure it out for yourself'. Your first time playing this you will take hours trying to finish it. Over 3 hours in fact. Enemies are all very detailed and not all of them really attack you, most of them are just creatures on the planet of Zebus that are just minding their own business, while others just simply don't want you fucking around them at all. Dead enemies will leave power-ups and health assuring you that you should NEVER run low on anything unless your careless and fire rockets at anything that looks funny.

What sells SM to me the most is the music and sound. Its a great soundtrack- dark, mysterious. It actually reminds me of Jerry Goldsmith's Alien film score. Most of the levels have a Jaws-like pulse that massages the ear, telling you that your not in kansas anymore. Its beginning cinematic is creepy, just showing you a lab setting with the Metroid organism floating in a jar, the camera panning across it, and your ears catch the squeals of its screams. Whatever the Metroid is, its probably dangerous even if it does look kind of like a cute jellyfish. It might be cute, but jellyfish still sting.

Halo does use the concept of moving through the same level twice, SM has this as well, but its better used. The only reason your going through an area again on SM is because your suit has a new ability and you'll need to use that to attain a higher power-up or to advance to another level. Halo's use of this is scripted, unavoidable and really just comes off as a lazy way to lengthen the game. Jumping puzzles is a platform staple that always pisses me off. I never cared for Super Mario World's use of always moving platforms and the way Mario moved as if there was a layer of margarine on the floor. Metriod has jumping puzzles but they are easier to navigate due to Samus not having grease on the bottom of her boots. I once saw Samus fall 50 feet down a tunnel and landed just fine. On the other hand, Halo never is about making any fantastic leaps and very rarely will it matter how you time your moves. In fact, Halo doesn't even need a jump button, unless your avoiding a landmine or playing a deathmatch game and you want to really piss off someone by bouncing around like a bunny on meth. SM gave us a challenge but it was one that was satisfying to complete.

and finally...

Halo: Combat Evolved had 2 endings, if you beat the game on a regular difficulty, you got a regular ending. On the highly difficult Legendary setting you got a better ending. Since I don't have the fucking patience to barrel through the Legendary setting, I'll probably won't see the latter ending except for on Youtube. Super Metroid had 2 endings as well. If you defeated the but it took you over 3 hours you got to see Samus with the visor on her helmet off, revealing her face. If you defeated this monster sized game in UNDER 3 hours, you got to see her out of her suit and in her black undies. No shit. look it up here. For game made in these days, partial nudity was the ultimate reward and we never got to see it. I don't know anyone that could beat SM in under 3 hours. Halo's legendary ending cannot top Samus in a black swimsuit. Not in a million years.

Even with the great sound, playability, graphics and even a chance at T and A, Metroid didn't get another chance to shine until the GameCube released Metroid prime, which Halo stomped all over. Sad. The Game Cube had the best looking games and Microsoft still put a mudhole in its ass, and with what 'killer app'?

Fuck it, I'm not even going to say (or type) its name again.

Point is, if you love to collect SNES shit and you haven't had a chance at playing Super Metroid, your missing out on one of the best games the SNES ever made.

Worst Fighting Games of the 1990's part 1

This list begins with a bang, the kind of bang that comes out of an ass. I've yet to decide just how many games will appear on this list, but I am hoping to get to at least 5 or more. Considering what kind of shit came out in the 1990's, that won't be too hard. This was a time when video games were really trying to experiment with things, from full motion video, to polygon based graphics. It takes a considerable failure to make it here, a company has to make a game that doesn't just suck, it also has to waste things, like time, money, logic, and even sanity. Some failures start off with good ideas but then just end in horror and im starting off with that here.

I should also point out that this list isn't in any kind of order, the reasoning behind that is due to my inablilty to really name what sucks the most. These games all are equally shitty.

Ask anyone what would be a fun fight to watch, weather they be a man on the streets, a businessman in a suit, or an african tribesman with a large bone ring in his nose. Most of them would tell you that dinosaurs and giant apes would be fun. Thank God that Atari answered that prayer and gave us the hit game, Primal Rage. The second thing they would answer is large robots, metal machines of death armed with sharp blades, lazer guns, or SOMETHING that they would use to emaciate each other. One such game answered that prayer and gave us a shit game called Rise of the Robots.

Rise of the Robots

1994

Time Warner Interactive/Mirage

SNES,Genesis, and also the losers of the 90's like the 3do, CDi, Amiga and the like.

This game had it all going for it, or so it seemed on the outside of the box it came in. The graphics to ROTR were all computer generated in the style of games like Killer Instinct. This game was all about robots kicking each others metal asses and taking model names, all for the sake of finding out who was built better. The story to this game is kinda typical, following a plot of an evil company doing bad things involving robots and getting them to fight rather that just have an all out war. No one followed plots of video games back in these days, so who gave a damn WHY the robots were fighting, just throw them into a ring and watch them bash each other.

This game had 7 fighters, all of them ranging from robots with human forms, to machines that look like forklifts with legs, spider robots, hell even a gorilla robot. Before matches, each robot had a cool opening movie to introduce themselves, seeing this happen on a SNES was unbelieveable. The games opening title screen reminded me of Super Street Fighter 2's Ryu opener. The look of this game was not seen on the 16 bit systems and the aforementioned Killer Instinct was still a year away. Lets also not forget that this was a fighting game with ROBOTS, so what could go wrong,? You'd have to work really hard for a concept like that to fail.

The main fighter, the 'Ryu' protagonist of ROTR is a fighter called ECO35-2, or 'Coton' for short. Now if you think that name is fucking dumb then wait till you meet the rest of them. The other fighters are called:

Loader

Builder

Crusher

Military

Sentry

The Supervisor

If you want background information on this motley bunch of recycled tin-canned-ass-bags, then just read thier name, thats how imaginative the developers were willing to go. Now, one would hope that even a game like this could at least give you a good selection of these characters, right? Right?

Wrong, if you were player one, you were shit out of luck. You only got to play as 1 damn fighter:

ECO35-2 thats it. In two player made player two could pick them all, even the boss- The Supervisor was availiable if you entered the cheat. Meanwhile player one is stuck with the blue, generic, bland way-too-human to be a robot fighter: ECO35-2.

This game can be beaten in one sitting. Its way too simple. The AI genius of this game is hard however if you try to think that this game is even remotely complex. The controls are set up exactly like Street Fighter 2 in that you have 3 punches and 3 kicks, all of which look the same but are performed at different speeds and inflict less or more damage. The key to winning this isn't anything special or difficult, no combos needed and no special moves. The key to survival in ROTR is walking your clunky, blue, slow ass robot towards your enemy and hitting the punch button and then... repeat. I've never completed a game so easily, and frankly the games ending for just 1 character didn't make me feel good for finishing this piece of shit.

Graphics sell this game as I have mentioned, and sound gets a few points too. The package and ads for this game noted Queen Guitarist Brian May scoring the soundtrack but in fact his track called 'The Dark' is the only song that made it on the main intro screen. I guess the designers for ROTR tested this game while their Cd player at the office played hits like 'Bicycle' or 'Radio ga-ga' and thought it would rock. No insult to Brian May at all, he's a guitar legend, but this project was NOT for him. Queen is ok, but not for a fighting game. While fighting you'll hear energizing music and lots of samples of what resembles metal hitting metal sounds, which works for it. No voice samples are in this game, no announcer yelling FIGHT! Lame.

Thankfully this was a rental at a Blockbuster and I wasn't a sorry bastard that actually went out and bought this. Otherwise this game would have been tied to a brick and thrown through a window of a Walmart. The even scarier part is that this game had sequal that appered on the Sony PSone and the Saturn, which got the same reception as the first game. No one can learn sometimes.

There was a lot of innovative gaming systems comming out in the mid-90's and a lot of them tanked. This game wasn't bad enough to kill the Nintendo SNES or the Sega Genesis, but it probably had its hand in on killing the 3do, and CDi systems ever so slowly. So while your cruising Ebay don't be surprised if Rise of the Robots is a pack in game for someone trying to rid themselves of a CDi or 3do system, they're just trying to get rid of the financial hex put on them from that fateful day when they had spent 500 plus dollars into what was supposed to be the newest generation of gaming system and what could have been a original and creative fighting game if only the folks at Mirage gave more than a damn.

Strange Finds- Non Sense!

Holy God, how high am I?

Parodious: Non-Sense Fantasy
1992 Konami
SNES (maybe others but I'm not sure)

A lot of crazy ideas come out of the land of the rising sun, Japan. From porn cartoons (that I love) to comic books for grown up, eccentricity is never in short supply, America still has yet to realize the potential for great hentai.

Video games is one of the main mediums that tell us that a Japanese mind for creativity is a very active place. NO idea is too weird for them. This is in no way me insulting them, in fact this is me THANKING them for coming up for ideas that are weird and fun as hell to play.

Mario is a fantastic example. Adventures of an Italian plumber that squashes killer mushrooms, travels underground and risks it all to save a princess from a giant turtle. Drug fueled? It has to be. The best music comes from drug use, why not video games? The latest Mario games have hula dancing jelly beans and Mario flying after eating a special mushroom. Jimi Hendrix never had trips so good.

Strange ideas are universal and not new, enter Parodious:Non-Sense Fantasy. Appropriately titled, because NONE of it makes sense, but that is the charm to it all. Remember the game Gradius? well this is a shump game just like it, a space ship based shotter that take you into the deepest reaches of the galaxy and throws you line after line of ships. But this isn't a typical shump, oh no this game falls into a different set of genre, a genre that I just can't fuckin explain.

This game gives you spaceships pick, or a flying octopus, or a bird. These objects fly through space and shoot at the following:

Penguins

Monkey heads

Las Vegas Showgirls

Alien space craft that look like treasure chests

Giant pirate ships with kitten faces

the list goes on and on...

Weird weird weird. You gather power-ups along that way that give you the serious things like the Gradius 3 'options' that circle around your ship, or you get special weapons, like a giant horn on the from of your space ship that sound out and spells things like:

No sushi tonight!

Toaster overheated!

Huh! Garlic Breath!!!

This game doesn't have that 'stage' style of gaming that pauses, its very very linear and fast moving. Cute sounds assault your ear with explosions and kiddy voices in Japanese accents that let you know when you've scored. There is so much hellishly odd shit going on with the screen that you can die simply by getting distracted with all the pretty colors. I love this game and yet I can only take it in small doses.

No story, no sense. If you want to play something that totally will blow your mind, make you laugh or help you get through those bong hits that you ripped while messing with your SNES- play Parodious: Non Sense Fantasy.

90's Fighting games- The Honerable Mentions

Snk's well done fighter, with a story written by the same people that penned beat-em-ups back in 1985. Girl gets kidnapped, boyfriend (never a husband thats too hard to follow) goes on a bad ass mission to save her and has to beat up generic thugs along the way.
Limb chopping off fun. Drawn by someone in 5th grade art class, before his perturbed teacher had him admitted to a rubber room.

Dinosaurs, blood, guts, flatulence. Atari was a far better publisher than console maker. Its too bad it was just a flash in the pan.

You now see the foundation for Tekken. I really like how we have a beautiful sky back there and these very synthetic and unorganic characters. Great steps in a fighting game, and we had to wait for the Saturn in order to play it at home.

This list of the top 5 fighting games of the 1990's has been a blast to make, I've been enjoying every pixel of it and sadly there wasn't enough great games for me to do a top TEN that would be easily understood by all who owned the great 16 bit consoles like the SNES and Genesis. Truthfully, I'm was kinda torn by some of these games because some were good but really not THAT good. To be on the top 5 list, you really had to be unforgettable in every aspect.

These following games didn't suck, they were all good, but not great either and I have explained just WHY they didn't make it. I feel its my duty to at least give them a moment in the sun. These game are in no particular order, they're all equally mediocre.

Primal Rage (Atari 1994): Dinosaurs and giant apes duking it out, eating humans for health during matches, gathering worshippers and performing death moves ala Mortal Kombat. No better ideas have been made by Atari. This game had cool stop-motion animated graphics of prehistoric menaces to the 'Urth' beating each other into a bloody paste all for world domination.

What went wrong: This game suffered from horrible and almost embarrassing console releases that looked ok, but had all the fun censored out. Also this series never went ahead with its sequel and honestly that move caused this series an untimely death. Quite a surprise for a franchise that gave birth to action figures and other merchandise. It could have been magical. Magical, I say.

Timekillers (Strata/Incredible Technologies, 1992): I don't care what anyone says, I loved this game! It was more violent than MK and was creatively inclined with its 'limb loss' feature. Whats better than cutting off an arm or a head to win a match? This game will get its own article very soon, just wait.

What went wrong: This game gets put on a lot of fighting games 'Worst of' lists and its not hard to see why. The game really needed a lot more work. More frames on animation, better looks for its cookie cutter characters, and a system of combat that's easy to follow would have helped. The story to this game really didn't exist until its loathsome console release on the Genesis, to which bred a plot that didn't really make sense or even get followed, we just wanted to chop some arms off. This game really looks rushed, and this could be due to the fact that it was made to cash in on the Mortal Kombat rage. All in all, 10 year old can draw homemade comic books that look better than this game.

ClayFighter (Visual concepts/ Interplay, 1993) : This game was fun, admit it. It was the first time that a fighting game had a sense of humor and the first time we got to see a game that made of other games. We all loved it so don't deny it! This games graphics were made from stop motion clay animated figures, all of them armed with an array of fighting moves and a smart ass-ed attitude. Best part is, was that all of its character were very unique and innovative, with the exception of one that really killed this game. Which brings us too...

What went wrong: The 'N. Boss'. The boss and lost fighter of CF that you fought against was a circle of spherical balls that threw other players projectiles at you. No punches no kicks, NOTHING, just a circle that attacks you. So lame, so half-assed. There is a game programmer out there kicking himself in the face right now due to his boneheaded decision to staple this travesty into an otherwise good game. Other than that, I noticed that this game didn't have a lot of frames of animation causing it to look really choppy. I know my SNES can do better than this.

Virtua Fighter (Sega, 1993): A fully rendered 3d fighting game that finally gave us a camera that wasn't JUST showing the side view of a fight. We started to really see what was possible in a 3 dimensional world and 'virtual' reality suddenly didn't have to involve playing a crappy shooter with a pair of giant electric goggles strapped to our head. Seeing this game these days kinda reminds us of that Dire Straits music video, we see martial arts being performed by a diverse lot of unmotivated characters, fighting in a video game was now realistic, which was a nice change from the gore riddled world of Mortal Kombat. But that also brings us to..

What went wrong: This game was so... ssslllooowww! It was like the fighters had gum stuck to their shoes. Jumping attacks now required you to do formulas in modern physics just to land a mid-air kick. The worst also came from the Genesis console release of VF, which included NO polygon based graphics, which is impossible for the Genesis to do, and there was the revelation that this game really was all about looks, and less about action.

Teenage Mutant Ninja(hero) Turtles:Tournament Fighters (Mirage/ Konami, 1993) : Our four shell shocked smart ass-ed heroes along with other characters of that series having a fighting tournament and the winner takes April home to have their way with her with a dirty weekend in the turtle van, or just fight for money. Cool characters, good Street Fighter inspired controls. I liked it actually. Yeah thats right, screw you, I liked this game.

What went wrong: No one else liked it. Besides did we need another frigging TMNT game?

No.

Art of Fighting (Snk/ Takara for the console release, 1993): Great fighting game with an innovative control scheme. Using the 'special' buttons meant dealing blows that made your opponents into bruised paste. Bouncing off of walls and dealing a flying kick to the face was beyond satisfying. I love and still screw with this game and discover new tricks all the time. All the characters have personalities that don't blatantly copy other games like and before it. The best part was that the SNES version has almost ALL the fun of the original arcade version, right down to the camera 'zoom' effects.

What went wrong: Almost nothing really, this game rocks. However this games plot follows the story of 2 men out to get the gang leader that kidnapped their girl. That story was used up 5 years before this game was made, and it was in its prime with Double Dragon. Also in the story mode you can only play as 2 characters. So we have the same used-up story involving the same 2 used up hero guys, one man is a martial arts expert with an unpronounceable Japanese name, and the other is an American pretty boy with a pony tail. I'm shocked this never became a cheesy action movie starring Steve Segal and Kurt Russel.

Eternal Champions (Sega, 1993): The Sega Genesis was getting its ass handed to them by Nintendo and its SNES. Why? Badly executed or horribly translated fighting games. Solution? Make one that's specifically for the Genesis, hype it up to commercially high levels, and try to advertise a failure motion controlled prep behind it (remember the Sega Activator?) . This was a creative and well received stab at one upping Timekillers by being WAY more complex story and fighting style wise. Great characters that span across time and cultural borders, good moves that present themselves as being linkable for combos and other specials and CGI death moves exclusively on the Sega CD system version that put Mortal Kombats' fatalities to shame. A top choice for Genesis fans.

What went wrong: It was on the Genesis.

Street Fighter EX (Arika/Capcom 1996): There is 6 games in this series spinoff of Capcom's fighting classic, all of them in full 3d. These games weren't bad at all, but it does definately scream the fact that Capcom was trying to get a hold of the 3d market of fighting games that was established by Sega's Vitua Fighter Series, and also Tekken. (I myself personally failed to include most of the 3d fighting games mainly due to the fact that as an old timer of video games I didn't own the Playstation until it was late in that consoles' life.) The fighting mechcanics of SFEX remain very faithful to the 2D origional series, only this time we get to see the dragon punch from a full 360 degree angle, so it still wins.

What went wrong: Nothing really, but theres no way you remembered this game until just now when you read this. Admit it.

Street Fighter Alpha (1995 Capcom): Great follow up to the other 3 versions of SF2, despite the fact that this game is actaully a prequel story-wise. The action is fast, the animation and character design looks fantastic, and the fighting system of 'spirit moves' give this game a 1 up above all the other SF games. It was exciting to see that Cap' wasn't giving us ANOTHER tired translation or update of SF2.

What went wrong: Again NOTHING. But SNES console owners got totally screwed on this, and forced them to go out and get a Playstation. Oh well, I guess we had to move on. I also thought the 'Dan' Character was a big pansy (c'mon the pink karate suit?), but that's done on purpose.

________________________________________________________
Stay tuned ladies and gents, the WORST list is on the way (and man, is it long).

Strange Finds: My totally amazing EXCELLENT discovery... NOT!

Wayne's World (yes, it was made into a video game)

1993

THQ

SNES,Genesis,Gameboy,NES (maybe others but who would care?)

Before comedian Mike Myers was 'shagadelic' and 'randy' as Austin Powers, he was Wayne Campbell of Aurora Illinois, a lovable loser that hosted a public access cable show along side his shy and quirky companion, Garth Algar. A running skit on Saturday Night Live like this didn't really NEED a movie behind it, but people loved the mullet-headed-hair-metal-loving dofuses that looked as if they were making a show while inside of a nogahide walled Midwestern family room basement, surrounded by the very things that made them losers: Their mom and dads antique collection, sports equipment, and 1980's rock memorabilia. These two lovable doucebags sat on a presumably smelly davenport and talked about rock, babes, and... rock. Hollywood of course HAD to squeeze pennies from this half-baked idea.

After the movie was out and was a hit, the other Hollywood; Video games, needed to cash in as well, and thus brings us to the subject at hand: Wayne's World: the video game. That sudden scream of horror or perhaps that quick burst of WTF laughter was you.

I don't know what is worse so please feel free to tell me:

A mediocre movie based on a crappy comedy sketch or...

A Video game about a mediocre movie, based on a crappy comedy sketch?

Whatever- the point is, this game sucked. Wayne is a large-headed bobble doll that runs around with his guitar. Not that cool white Fender Stratocaster that he bought in the film but a really horrible green pawn shop fodder guitar. Hit the attack button and he unleashes a riff that sends out killer sound waves that destroy evil. He jumps incredible distances around levels that sorta resemble guitar shops and rock clubs, defending the world-Wayne's World- from what is presumably evil,... bad,... things. He does all this with a sarcastic grin on his face that just fuckin BEGS to have a foot violently shoved in it heel first.

I have played this catastrophe and haven't even made it past level one. This is somewhat due to bad playability, but its mostly due to just the absolute horror on screen. I would rather watch a a farmer have sex a dead goat than play this waste of electricity. OH I forgot, did i mention WHAT KIND of evil your fighting and jumping around about? MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS!! but these are not 'cool' musical instruments like guitars or basses, oh no! These are lame ones like bag pipe with evil eyes on them that float around and assault you with noise. Drum sets that pummel you, and who wouldn't fear the mighty accordion that whacks you when you get too close? I didn't even lose at this game and I wanted to stomp a mud hole into my controller after playing. I think the only high point is hearing the sound clip of Wayne saying 'Shawing!' Wow thats pretty risky, a video game penis joke in 1993 didn't happen.

The gameplay is muddy, frustrating, and very untested. It seems like this was a rock and roll platformer that just had Wayne's annoying smile pasted to the character. This game features odd cut scenes that contain sketch inspired dialogue, but none of it is funny. There was no need for this game, and no reason to believe it would convince gamers to spend $50 or even $10 on the cart. This is the kind of game cart you accidentally steal while at a Goodwill when you were looking at the suspecting old bag behind the counter and were reaching for that must-have Gradius 3 cart but missed your mark, you get home pull the plastic box out from inside the crotch of your baggy jeans and DAMMIT you got the wrong one.

Now as I write this I realize that games and failure of this kind wasn't uncommon in gaming back in the 90's or even now. A lot of bad games are games based on movies, a movie comes out, people like it, and they want to experience it at home. No problem, but why do games based on movies usually SUCK?

Remember ET? Atari, armed with its 2600 console made a game based on the successful 1982 film and rushed its release date and gave the poor programmer only 6 weeks to build the game. The end result was appalling, the game made little sense, the graphics were ugly and made ET look like a mangled green cock. The gameplay consisted of falling in about 200 holes in order to find pieces of his phone to 'phone home'. This game was loaded on millions of cartridges and all of them came back to Atari. Along with that, Atari was in a financial crisis due to banking way too much on this game and the success that it never had a snowballs chance in hell of receiving. The video game crash was now in full swing and 1982-83 became a dark 2 years for gaming. It might not be ET's fault alone, but you don't end up burying millions of carts in New Mexico on 'just a bad call'. Its true. Atari broke and overstocked buried millions of ET carts, when faced with dire circumstances.

Things are different nowadays but very little has actually changed. Total Recall on the NES, Wayne's World on the SNES, Genesis, and Gameboy, Waterworld- and in this modern age- Enter The Matrix. The industry just hasn't learned its lesson. Very rarely does a video game based on a movie do well in the eyes of gamers. I myself think we all could do without it, we don't need crap based on crap, it just piles higher and higher.

Thank God Lucasarts makes Starwars games that deliver the goods, so maybe I'm wrong. But come on- WAYNE'S WORLD? Why?

90's fighting game top 5 list-Number One- Mortal Kombat 2

[I will make a lot of enemies for putting this game on the top of the 1990's fighting game pedastel. In which case I will advise all potential whiners and bitchers to create their own damn blog if you disagree. oh and by the way, blow me.]

Mortal Kombat 2 ( or II)

Arcade and also 'Throw a rock at any 1990's era gaming machine and anyone you hit most likely that system had a release of this top notch fighter except the Jaguar and 3DO consoles.'

1993

Midway

Sequels are almost always a let-down. From movies to video games to sex, it seems like lightning just won't strike twice. There is a magic in that first time experience, and you never get it like you had it before, its just not the same. I think the main problem is when it comes to any media (or sex) the second time around needs to be DIFFERENT- not just a repeat.

The world loved the first MK. Arcades had to get multiple cabinets just to cut down on the lines. 50 cents became a normal and acceptable price for a credit at a video game. Grown men- 20 somethings- and more crowded this machine. All for a game that was clunky, slow and had only ONE good selling point: Hardcore violence.

So in 1992 when MKII was on the table at Midway I'm almost positive that they held some kind of meeting. I don't know the story and frankly few people care about HOW this game was made. But my instinct tells me that Midway's suits read through piles of mail and page after page of reviews of MK just to see where they went wrong and what could be done better. Midway listened and Midway delievered.

The gaming world felt the heat of the original Mortal Kombat, and a mojority of those who felt it, liked it but they hated the slowness. Not being able to duck under projectiles, slow walking back and forth, only 1 fatality per person, way too easy bosses, a meaningless scoring system, 'Test your might', blurry looking digitized characters, the secret Reptile character being just a green speedy rip-off of Scorpion. The list goes on and fucking on. It was a great game but it was in no ways perfect and its predacessor needed to have more balls, more speed and a HELL of a different look. The first game was foundation to the series and its control system was good, albeit ADEQUTE. The characters for the second MK needed look more,.. cool (for lack of a better term), which ment no more fighting in outfits that look like halloween costumes. The characters needed to be better than just looking cool, we needed some that didn't even look human. Goro looked like a tall man with 2 extra arms (at least to me). Shang Tsung looked like an old fart fighting in a kimono.

The world of MK need a facelift too, Which meant things needed to be turned upside-down. The world and story of MKII had to take a completely different turn to the left. Why not places with floating monks or people on fire? Why not pit levels where the spikes are now on the ceiling or better yet no spikes at all just flat ground in which to splat someone.

Fans held thier collective breath. Not Midway though, they knew this was going to be a hit. No one spends over a year on a game unless its going to rock (unless your John Romero of Daikitana fame). This was 1993 and the video game making process wasn't into the 'Hollywood budget' phase yet. Making games then might have been tough then but compared to now its small potatoes.

I was a small boy when this game came out. I saw that all my friends had the EGM's and ANY magazine that remotely tried to report on this game. The first pictures I saw really blew me away, I was shocked by just how 'dark' the new MK was, and I'm not just talking about violence and content, it was just dark. The Outworld the MKII was set in was nightime almost 24-7. I ended up begging to get to the nearest bowling alley arcade just to see this game. Just to see it, thats all, and because of all the grown men and thier endless rolls of quarters, I NEVER played MKII until its console release.

This version of MK had speed and then some. Matches were heated and two experts can be done pounding each other for two rounds in as little as 30 seconds. MK was really born for arcades which means your going to be playing very quickly and the machine will rob as many quarters as it can get. The speed was a welcome change and a well handled one at that.The fighting style was the same but with the new speed-up, it was now time to see how fast you could 'juggle' your opponent. The block button will always be a MK staple, don't even try to run away. We'll never see an MK without that god damn, fucking BLOCK button.

The arcade version of this game featured a DCS sound system that nearly shook the damn cabinet. Characters screamed, blows sounded like explotions, splatters of blood made you think of raw meat hitting the kitchen floor, 'Get over here' finally meant GET THE FUCK OVER HERE, and the announcer's voice was deep and menacing enough to get you in the mood to kick some ass. Music was now full and engaging, painting the world of MK in a new 'fantasy' light. Its a shame that the arcade is dead, because this game was the loudest when arcades were in thier prime.

The look of the game was far out there. The world of MK wasn't the same after this because in the story all the fighters are now competing in a place called Outworld. This place was surrealistic and yet still easy to recognize. You fought in wastelands littered with dead bodies impaled on spikes, or in forests with trees that bellow and have faces. Outworld was like Hell but with an oriental theme. There were 3 pit levels ranging from spikes on the roof, to pools of acid, and even just a flat stone ground that broke your enemies. One level that cathes the story followers eye is the Arena level were we see that Kano and Sonya are chained up and imprisoned.

Along with the backgrounds this game had a much more 'painted' look. The first MK took realistic images and put them onto fake CGI backgrounds, which resulted in a tacky 'cardboard cutout' look. MKII was much better, all the characters look real but also have a 'painted' look, as if artists with millions of colors are illustrating a moving picture. It wasn't 'photo-real', it was stylized and artistically asthetic, not to mention easy to pass the most discriminating eye. I'm into art myself so I might be one of the few that noticed this about MKII. Point is, it looked way better than the blurry shit from before.

The fighters got a makeover as well. The ninja costumes on Subzero, Scorpion and the now playable Reptile look WAY better. They have these cool coverings over thier mouth that look more like guards made of plastic or metal instead of just cloth. The two female fighters fight in knee highs and carry weapons like razor sharp chinese fans or ninja sais. Baraka was a totally new look, he is a mutant from the out world with a large jaw and metal shards that come out of his arms ala Wolverine. Kung Lao fights with a hat that has razor blade around the brim. The only character that sucks is the returning Johnny Cage, fighing in jogging pants and blowing kisses after a victory (rolling eyes). Fuckin candy ass.

The story kicked ass and was good enough for a movie. After Liu Kang wins the first MK game (according to the written story of MKII, your winning character to beat MK doesn't matter), Shanf Tsung goes back to outworld with his 500 year old ass in his hand and Goro's corpse to explain to his boss, Shao Kahn. Shao Kahn is fair enough to allow Shang Tsung a second shot and restores him to his youthful 30ish year old prime. But theres a catch, the MK fighting team from the last game needs to be taught a lesson. So Shao and Shang kidnap Sonya and Kano and invite the gang, both evil and good to go to Outworld duke it out and pervoke them to try and stop Shao Kahn from either losing his mind and killing them first or even worse, invading the Earth world. Other fighters are just out for personal glory and a spot in Kahn's throne. Thats the story, hope it was clear cause I'm not writting more into it.

The two new bosses were tough. I mean it. Goro is now dead and his bigger, meaner and cheaper brother Kintaro is PISSED! He still had four arms but also tiger stripes on his back. He could jump out the screens' view and then stomp on you and drain half your life bar. The only way to defeat him was to stick to a pattern and don't stand still. But don't expect a victory on the first try (or even on the 5th). Shao Khan, the final boss was bad too but since he likes to point at you and gloat during a match, he was much easier. I guess if you spent enough time to defeat Kintaro than Shao Kahn is your chance to rest a little. Kahn had a penchant for cheap moves that take a lot off your health, some moves being very slow moving kicks that knock you to the other side of the screen. Totally cheap, but satisfying once beaten.

The AI was better and the improvement came from how the computer tended to 'mirror' your patterns, that is if you had a pattern. Don't expect to do the same moves more than twice. The cpu would just cut you down before you can keep it going. Jump and kick down the oppenent once and land a hit, no problem, try it again,... WHACK your hit. Since you can't block a projetile with a projectile than you can't count on the computer fireballing you, just at the moment you throw one. It was not however, impossible.

The drawbacks to this game are not enough to turn you off completely. The only this I thought was bad was the pit fatalities now had to be done with a special button code. In MK the one pit level was easy, just uppercut and its done (down and high punch). Another thing that truely screwed up this violent opus was the additions of "Friendship" finishing moves and the "Babality" moves. Why would anyone want to turn their opponent into a fucking baby? After a match of me pounding my oppenent into a paste, why give them flowers before they die? Stupid. This was all done as a source for humor which is fine but fuck that noise its still,... STUPID. But it comes down to choice, if you don't those moves; don't do it! This game also was made for those who really only like to master the fighting of 1 character, so if your like me and you like using them all, then you'll have to memorize a shitload of moves. I however was a Kitana fan and she was the only character I could successfully use to bring down Kintaro.

This experience was needed to be brought home to console users. It was almost a damn law. No game this good could have just sat in the arcade. But the first MK was poorly handled by the 16 bit giants of the gaming industry; Nintendo and Sega. If the SNES's censorship of MK's successful gore effects didn't piss you off enough than the Genesis's version with its shitty graphics and sound would. Fans of MK again got nervous and held their collective breaths, myself included. How would the console developers handle MKII, would there be blood, plus real fatalities and if yes, then what would we lose? MKII was a big and expansive experience and everyone was unsure how it would be handled. How could they jam all the greatness into a 5 inch, 24 meg cart? What would change?

If you were an SNES owner, nearly NOTHING. Nintendo learned thier lesson and released a version of MKII that was and is comparable to MAME. Sounds were there and the graphics were spot on. Only little things were moved around, like smaller characters on screen or a fewer frames of animation. The SNES version blew me and everyone else away and outsold the weaker Genesis version by millions. All the blood and fatalities were intact and arcade junkies were happy. Console owners got thier 50 bucks worth. The Genesis version again was,... lame. sorry Sega fans, it sucked. Nintendo shined because of this. Now we had the blood that was missing from the first game and graphics that only the SNES was capable of delivering.
One has to wonder, Why didn't they re-release the first game WITH blood? Im sure it would have sold like crack. In the world of emulation and hacks there are now 'bloody verions' availiable from file sharing networks all over the web. Even an NES rom is availiable of MKII (thats not a typo someone actually made and hacked Mortal Kombat II for the old NES).

Nearly EVERY port had an MKII release. It was big and profitable in every aspect including... fucking merchandising. T shirts, comic books, action figures, just naming a few of MANY. I never got THAT into this series and honestly I have yet to find anyone that owns the Mortal Kombat gaming gloves that had the padded thumb protectors. Anyone still wearing a Mortal Kombat T-shirt is most likely still a virgin that is so fat that he hasn't seen his penis in 4 years. OK ok ok ok I won't like I bought the action figures, they were made by the same company that made the small GI Joes. This might be an explaination why I don't get laid as much as I'd like.
But more than all else, MKII gave Hollywood a vision and a movie of MK was made, and it wasn't bad. Really it was good. I love the (first!) Mortal Kombat film, and after bombs like Super Mario Bros and Street Fighter, I am surprised that Hollywood would even think of green lighting a MK movie. The film took a lot of creative license from Mortal Kombat 2 and not so much from the first game, which is another reason that this game won a spot at #1. If a video game can become a king in all media aspects than its more than just a damn video game, its pop culture.

This was the turning point for the 16 bit market. Who won the fight? Nintendo. The SNES had the best fighting game translation made for that time, and the more powerful systems still couldn't beat it. The Sony Playstion was 2 years away, and that so called 64 bit hunk of shit the Atari Jaguar didn't have an MK release nor did the 3do, so MKII was a fight for 16 bitters. Sega tried, oh they tried so hard, but not even the 32x attachment version of this game could help them from going in the toilet. Thats another reason this game gets this spot, because its part of video gaming history. Nintendo owes a lot of gratitute to MKII.

Mortal Kombat 3 came out almost 2 years later, and would be the game that would sink MK into a downward position on its rollercoaster-like lifespan. Why? because it wasn't as good as the one before it. MK is still alive on the modern systems and is doing well, but now the series is done with Hi-res 3d graphics and not digitized photo real sprites.

In fact, I'll be blunt MK3 sucked. I guess the lesson here is quit while your ahead, or at least before you make crap like Mortal Kombat: Mythologies: Subzero.

90's fighting games top 5- Number 2- Nintendo steps up to the big boy plate

Dispite all of the SNES limitations, this game still rocked.

Could she stick those things up any higher?
Nothing quirky to say here. Just look.

Killer Instinct

1994 (95 for the Snes release)

Rare, Nintendo and Midway (arcade distributor)

Ever see a line at an arcade machine? Then you most likely didn't go to arcades in 1994 or your only 10 years old right now. The arcade is dead and gone but Nintendo along with Midway was a brutal force during its golden age. Now you walk into an arcade just to see 5 displays of Dance-Dance-what-the-fuck-EVER!

In 1994, Mortal Kombat was two-year-old news, MKII was turning into the same after some months and Street Fighter's inability to make a sequel and not just another damn remake kept plenty fighting game fans bored silly. MK3 was on the horizon and gamers needed something to hold them over, ANYTHING. Nintendo was listening and grouped up with MK distributor Midway and released a fast, furious, and arcade-friendly opus that speed hungry adrenaline junkies could not get from MK and Street Fighter 2.

Nintendo had -and still has- a knack for kiddy games (but still damn good games). Previously Nintendo had made Donkey Kong Country with Rare and with the help of well animated action and well polished graphics they produced a fun (but also overrated) side-scrolling platformer. DKC was fun but it was really for the little guys around the 10-13 age bracket. Nintendo's next game would aim for a more grown-up crowd, and why not? Nintendo was in its prime and was at the time working on a new game system that would need one HELL of a launch title.

KI was a total surprise; a fighting game with pre-rendered sprites and some beautiful 3d backgrounds that all screamed high art. The game looked as if it was all done in real time 3d graphics but that was merely an illusion of the Rare software genius within. This game also had sound and music that pounded on your ears as you played. The fighting style of KI was the best blend of MK's hard hitting brutality with SF2 combo driven skill. The characters looked either cool or in one case... damn sexy, each fighter having a uniqueness that set the group apart from SF2 and MK (with the exception of one ) The announcer's voice sounded like Darth Vader filled with steroids and the piece of spice made this game feel so... alive (for lack of a better word).

To fight and win in KI you needed fast hands and fingers. This game is very combo-based and relies on your ability to chain attacks together, so no more jumping around and kicking unless you plan to follow it with some specials and other hits. Doing this will set off chain reactions that will cause multiple knocks to your opponent. What made it fun was that your opponent- CPU AI or player 2- could do just the same and release a humiliating barrage on you. Not all hope is lost, you could perform a 'combo breaker' and escape with less damage and give your middle finger to what could have been a hollow defeat. At the final moment of a match the dead player would sway in pain and in MK tradition you could vanquish them with a 'Danger move' which was a KI fatality. Another good way to victory was dwindling the last sliver of the opponent's health with a 24 hit "Ultra Combo!" (hearing the announcer yell that out always gave me a chubby).

This all happens so quickly and its handled so well-no round 1 or 2-no stopping. If someones life bar is drained for the first time, they hit the ground and wake back up with a second and final red life bar, and the other player doesn't start from full. This gave the game its intensity that MK 1 and SF didn't have. What kind of fight STOPS when the player keels over for the first time? That's stupid, just get up and dust yourself off and kick his or her ass. This was a fighting game without the 'referee'.

The character line-up was a diverse and well designed lot. Each of them having their own background and story:

B. Orchid: (my personal fave) The bad-ass babe of the game, armed with 2 clubs that looked like mini Star Wars lightsabers. Also armed with a great rack and a killer ass. I have no shame and I'm a chronic pervert, oh well.

Spinal: A skeleton with a shield, sword, and an annoying laugh.

Fulgore: A robot built for hand to hand combat. Has wolverine-like wrist claws.

TJ Combo: The total rip off character of this game, and total racial stereotype of a Mike Tyson-esqe boxer. This guy manages to rip off SF2's Balrog and Mike all in one fell swoop.

Cinder: A man on fire, like the Human Torch from Fantastic 4. Cool idea, really.

Glacius: The yin to Cinder's yag. An alien/man made of ice and liquid. Not a pallete swap, however.

Chief Thunder: Native American armed with 2 tomahawks. Cool character beside being another damn stereotype. Hmm Maybe game makers in those days didn't know that Blacks and Indians aren't all boxers and rain dancers.

Jago: Ken and Ryu-esque karate man. Not much else to say.

Saberwolf: Werewolf that fights. Not done before so I'll give it a thumbs up.

Riptor: Human-dinosaur hybrid that fights. This was 1994 and the movie Jurassic Park helped us believe in using DNA to fuck with mother nature, so why not put dinosaur and human semen in a blender and see what pops up.

Eyedol (the boss): A two headed cyclops. One eye on each head. So he still has 2 eyes... but 2 heads with only one eye on each (am I clear?). He fights with a large club that looks like an antique lamp and has these odd looking goat legs (I guess you can't always have cool characters 'across the board').

The backgrounds each reflected the characters personality and tell us that these events take place in a dark and futuristic world. Orchid fights on top of a skyscraper and Cinder fights on top of a tower in the desert. Some levels presented us with 'pit' like finishes which enabled you to knock each other off of the tower at the end of a match, giving you a cool look at the soon to be dead fighter falling and hitting the pavement below. Riptor fights in a room littered with spikes and blood spilled all over, Glacius's world looks like Antarctica with an 'Asian temple' look. All in all, very imaginative.

The other plus brings us back to sound. Each level had a soundtrack of really good metal, techno, and hip hop music. The music and sound to KI was SO good that when it was released on the SNES the game came with a music CD in the box of all the songs. This game WON and conquered in the sound, graphics department.



But it wasn't all wine and roses.

KI's story was sooooooo... written after the game was complete.The plot to this game revolved around an evil company called 'Ultratech' that every year, holds a tournament to test out its products and even kill of few of its critics and traitors while at it. Riptor is a product of Ultratech as well as Fulgore. Orchid is a spy looking to dismatle the company by pretending she is a Secretary that just HAPPENS to carry two lightsticks that kill. Saberwolf is really just a man in a wolfs body looking to get a cure for his affliction of werewolf-ism. Eyedol is... fuck I guess something that Ultratech did for shits and giggles. The point, is the story wasn't the point.

Action was the point and it was there. This game took arcades hostage and created the aforementioned 'lines'. I played this game at arcades and eventually on its SNES release. I remember being beyond excited to get this game, and Nintendo broke a rule by putting the game into a black cartridge shell, so that made us ALL believe that KI was a hit not even Mortal Kombat got this much great marketing. In the pile of grey shells of games like Street Fighter 2 and MK 1 and 2, that black KI cart catches the eye.



However, this was also the game that showed the Super Nintendo it's age. The SNES version was still good, but it was SEVERELY cut back from its arcade counterpart. No full motion videos, tacked on endings, fewer frames of animation, and dumbed down sound. I expected all this and even at the age of 13 I was grateful that Nintendo TRIED to deliver a great translation. Even the Game Boy had a KI release, and boy did it suck, theres no need to cram 10 pounds of awesome in a 1 pound bag. At this point we now started to see what our precious Super Nintendo WASN'T capable of, and it was a revelation to Nintendo and the world that a new system needed to be made. The even bigger disappointment was that the N64 didn't have a KI release until later in that consoles life and was still lacking what the arcade had; No videos, weak sounds all because of the N64's cart media. We just couldn't win.

KI had a sequel and it came and went shortly after the success of the first game. It was nothing special. New characters that no one remembers and cool characters from the first game taken out for no reason. As of writing this article I read in my research that a third KI was in the works for the Xbox 360 but Rare has since cancelled it. That REALLY blows, a gaming system like the Xbox 360 could literally reinvent the KI series, full 3d real time graphics, surround sound in 5.1. I guess it just comes down to the fact that sometimes its best to leave well enough alone, or in this case just let it die. Wow... A great game started with a bang ends with a whimper. KI 2 was even beaten by the weak ass MK3 in terms of popularity. That makes this loss even more pathetic.

Killer Instinct was awesome and almost made it to #1 on this list. If this game wasn't so 'flash in the pan' it might have been higher. The industry can learn from this, if you make a sequel, you have to top yourself, not repeat. The success of KI was enough to get Nintendo to the front and really push the N64 system, but the surprise to me the writer is that this series never really blossmed to "Franchise" levels. No major merchandising, no cartoon on Saturday morning and no big budget movie (thank God Nintendo learned their lesson from the Mario Bros movie) .

Go to almost ANY emulator site and you'll find out that the arcade MAME version of KI is not so easy to find and even harder to put together and program, . I guess this was done on purpose , but it still sucks. I guess I need to win the lottery and buy the cabinet. For now I'll treasure the memory of how Orchid could kill off her enemy by opening her shirt and flashing her fun-bags at him.

Diamons and Dogshit Report 2 - A Diamond- Earthworm Jim

No cows were actaully hurt while making Earthworm Jim

For God's sake keep Pete safe! (Pete is that purple dog)
1994's Extreme Sports Event: Jim versus Major Mucus
Art that is silly and at the same time, serious.

No super-space-cyber-suit would be complete without undies!

Earthworm Jim

Shiny/Playmates/Virgin

1994

Somewhere between madness and genius there is a thing called 'brilliance'.

Earthworm Jim was madness, brilliance, genius and art all thrown into one package, and it came in the form of a run-and-shoot platformer in 1994. EJ was a grossly funny cartoon brought to life in a video game and its purpose was to take all the things that made up video gaming culture and subvert them as part of a parody. Along with its unique acerbic attitude toward games in those days, it also put a new character in the rankings of gaming, right next to Mario and Sonic. This game made you laugh and challenged you at the same time (lets put a strong emphasis on the word 'challenge').

The story to EJ was as odd as it was ludicrous, and that might have been done on purpose. The main character that you play as is the result of an accident, according to the games story. The games story (in short) tells us that a 'Ultra-high-tech-indestructible-super-space-cyber-suit' falls from space onto earth, and landed onto an earthworm. This earthworm ends up crawling inside of the suit and mutating from an ordinary crow-fearing, dirt-eating worm into a super intelligent heroic super earthworm named Jim. Now this story wouldn't be complete without a villain and it has one named Psy-crow, who is a funky looking (duh) crow that wears a suit similar to Jim's and he wants Jim's suit instead (I guess Jim's suit really rocks). What Psy-Crow also wants is to kidnap Princess Whats-her-name (that's the characters name, I'm not making that shit up). But Whatever, few of us actually cared about the story, we cared about the game.

What made the game so fun was the 'look'. The world in EJ was weird and cartoon-inspired from top to bottom, in fact that's what I digged about this game the most. I was and I am still an art nut and EJ always impresses me. The game was designed by a cartoon vet Doug TenNapel. The art and design of EJ looks like it takes creative points from Ren and Stimpy and the muscled character designs of Simon Bisley. Jim has his earthworm body sticking out of the collar hole of the muscular upper torso'ed yet skinny legged suit, It looks absolutely ridiculous, but its supposed to look silly, its a cartoon. Jim has the ability to pull out his head and 'whip' at things like enemies and hooks conveniently placed in level for which Jim could use to swing himself around. This game of course isn't complete without Jim being armed with a gun. His gun shoots what looks and sounds like regular bullets but it looks like a 50's inspired ray gun with an antenna tip, but as odd as it looks, its a lot better than Jim using his head as a whip. Princess-whats-her-name has a Betty Boop in a full-bodied 'bubble bee suit' look. Its very hard to describe and honestly I feel stupid even trying to right now, because if you are reading this right now there's a good chance you played this game and you remember all this, but its always fun to look back (that is the point of this blog).

These characters animated better than anything else in those days thanks to EJ being published and made on a very beefy 24 meg cart which was rarely heard of in platformers or any game for that matter. The gaming world called this motion technology 'Animotion' but I'm sure that was just fancy talk for 'We worked on this game harder than any other have before us'. The work showed and after awhile during playing, you just forgot it was a game and began to control a VERY fun cartoon. More impressive was also what was going on BEHIND and AROUND Jim.

The world of Earthworm Jim was a diverse place, each level looking and playing different and unique from the other. The first level called 'New Junk City' takes place in a cartoon version of a junk yard, with crows flying around and pecking at you and guard dogs nipping at your heels. Another level called 'Down The Tubes' takes place underwater inside tubing that looks like a hamster tube maze and get this; you also get to ride a hamster at one point! No two levels look the same at all and that was a surprise back in those days, usually we'd see the same brick walls and the same trees over and over (*cough* Mario! *cough*) but not here. Another plus was that you were never moving JUST left to right, EJ had you moving zig-zag style from one area to another, up, down, all around and even forward away from the screen into space like on the 'Andy Asteroids' levels.

This was also part of the challenge, no longer could you just run and jump. You had to think, be creative and figure out things. This was more of a challenge for players because NOW they had to really look at the levels and see for themselves just WHY we couldn't get that green diamond in 'What The Heck' to levitate Jim from point A to point B. Gaming magazines must have been in good business in 1994 because plenty of us were thumbing through EGM's and Gamepro's trying to get tips on how to help Jim save the universe. Strategy guides could never help us perfectly time and help us swing Jim around from hook to hook on certain levels and gamers had to find a pattern to go by and never, ever stay from it. It was a challenge but never so frustrating that we had to fling our controllers into a wall because we died 100 times a level.

A game that is designed by a cartoonist deserves and requires cartoon-ish sound. If you thought Hanna Barbara had some sound effects that were unique then your still right, cause EJ had a sound effects cache that was familiar and nostalgic, even in those days. Jim's voice samples (done by creator TenNapel) sounded like he had a funny southern twang, but was a hillbilly that was trying too hard to be cool. Whenever Jim said "Groovy" I giggled, it was funny. Hit a speed orb in Andy Astroids and you'll hear Jim scream "Whoa NELLY!",- goofy as Hell. The music ranged from serious rock sounds, to backwood-sy banjo shit and the 'What The Heck' level had elevator music that was interrupted by rampant screams of unseen victims being held prisoner in the land of 'Heck',- totally goofy. The sounds of EJ was a layer of video gaming art that before then was sometimes overlooked or just took a back seat to the games visuals. This was 94' so we'd better hear something better than 'Doinks' and 'Pings' like in Mario.

The result was good. The game was fun and great sales of the title followed. A lot less was sacred in a game now. You could now use a video game as a good medium for comedy. This was really the first successful 'comedy game' and this game had a blast making fun of other games that were in the same vein. It was a gross out game as well, seeing that one of the enemies of EJ was a anthropomorphic ball of snot named Major Mucus, but it was all in good fun,... what kid doesn't pick his nose?

Was anything wrong with EJ? Yes, it got famous. Jim spawned merchandising that was ranked next to Mortal Kombat and Mario. Everything from action figures to a Saturday morning cartoon came out from the success of Earthworm Jim. The inevitable yet predictable sequel was good, but lighting didn't strike twice and honestly I didn't like it as much. Other games have been made but the fact that I can't remember any of them is a bad sign (I even know all the names of the Full House line-up). The only cool EJ plug I liked was his cameo appearance in Clayfighter 63 and a 3/4 (to bad that game sucked). But the original EJ was a gem and it came at a time when most of us thought that platformers were on the way out. Earthworm Jim revived a genre that was getting its ass kicked by the 'Fighting games' that ruled in the 90's and showed that an old dog like the 'platformer' could be taught new tricks.

Years later, TenNapel moved on after EJ to do the game 'The Neverhood' that had a sequel to it called 'Skullmonkeys'. Skullmonkeys was a stop-motion, clay-mated platformer on the PS1 that really felt like Earthworm Jim, even though it looked NOTHING like it. I was so sure that it was made by the same creator even at that time, so its good to know that I was right about that when I did my research JUST before writing this article. I also think I should add that because of that revelation I now see that art is easy to find and easy to recognize. Video games really don't get a lot of credit for artistic achievement even today and its not fair.

But that's a different subject for a different time.