Diamonds and Dogshit Report- Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon

I entered a trachea once, and the bitch never called back.

Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon

Sculptured Software/Heath Hero Network inc. 1993

SNES (but oddly enough never released for the crappier systems)

When a console dies off, it becomes a sort of free for all to see just exactly what was made for it. The Nintendo Gamecube- while largely ignored and died ungracefully and unfairly- is now being sought after due to its low aftermarket price and little-known gems of games that were released for it. Some of these games turn out to be great finds, proving that sometimes hype doesn't always equal success. Games like R-type are a fine example (I'd never heard of them until now, and I'm addicted to all games R-type), we rarely heard about it but when you've played it you wonder just how it got past you.

Then there’s the shit that was better left not made. Games based on sitcoms, movies, board games, TV soaps or any game with porn and nudity in it. You would think that these properties, with all the money invested towards them- that developers would put some extra TLC into them. Nope. ET, Enter the Matrix and even the Tim Allen sitcom "Home Improvement" all flopped once made into pixeled adventures.
Here's a game that isn't based on anything really other than a decent idea, but still was a pile o' shit. You play as Rex Ronan, a doctor doing a new experimental surgery to a patient that is dying of smoking-related symptoms. This patient is a heavy smoker and why? its his job. He worked as a salesman for a huge tobacco company and his career has now backfired and is killing him. Rex Ronan’s only big idea rather than chemo and telling this man to lay off the smokes is to shrink himself to a microscopic size and scrub out all the tar, pre-cancerous cells and even tooth stains. 9 years of medical school and the poor, micronic bastard has to travel into the center of this mans sternum to cure his cancer. Armed with a Ghostbusters-like ray gun, a flying ship, and dressed in full purple spandex, this man is ready to kick some cancerous ass.

The sci fi classic movie Fantastic Voyage comes to mind sure, but this wasn't really based on that. It is its own bad idea. RR:ES is a title as awful as it is obscure, but really the concept and story of the game isn't THAT bad its just poorly executed. This game suffers from bugs, failure controls and graphics that leave a lot to be desired. But I'll have more on that later.

Now as your scrubbing the inner walls of this mans throat and lungs, you'll face an army of nano robots. These bots are programmed to kill you before you complete your mission in saving this mans life and have been planted there by the tobacco company to insure that the patient never blows his whistle on them. You see, there’s another great idea: corporate paranoia. Unfortunately for the tobacco company they only built robots that were made of legos 'cause they die so easily. If they don't fall apart easily then they're cheap as hell and replicated 1,000 times. Bullshit.

This game is plagued (or cancer riddled) with the dullest missions and most lifeless levels. One such in particular is the level where you use your spaceship (or BODY ship-whatever) to travel through this patients bronchial tubes or wind pipe and have to avoid mucus (all in a very unplayable third person perspective). Not just any mucus though, its some kind of acidy mucus that eats away at the metal of your ship and is so solid that you can crash into it. Shooting at the snot balls gives you points and also is an expensive and dangerous alternative to just prescribing this man some cough syrup.

The look of the game is ok, but still could use some accuracy as far as human anatomy is concerned. I know that a humans throat does not have twists and turns and two-way tunnels and I never went to medical school or even college. Lungs in this game look like sewer tunnels lined with a semen-like substance that is supposed to be cancer cells. Robots are all cloned one after another and attack you in large groups making up for the ease of their demise by just all ganging up on you. The bullshittery is topped off by the worst sound samples and music that would make you want to stay inside an elevator to hear MIDI tracks of 'man eater' by Hall and

Oats until you attacked your eardrums with a q-tip and a hammer.

Sculptured Software gave us the Mortal Kombat games on the SNES and they also gave us this. I guess everyone makes mistakes, but how far does the process of making shit like this take before someone was smart enough to stand up in the office and say "Hey guys, this game is a travesty. Maybe we ought to stop here before it gets out of hand." Along with being boring its also an edutainment game that attempts to demonize tobacco, and the tobacco industry long before the meaningless laws were made.

According to the surgeon general and groups of heath-Nazi Californians, a man smoking a cig at the beach 20 feet away from you is attempting to kill you with his filthy habit. I don't smoke but as I played this I really suddenly had a hankering for a pack of camels. I just wanted to light up that loosy and suck that smooth, chemical enhanced flavor and be as fuckin cool as Steve-fuckin-Mcqueen. Ironic huh?

The 90's saw a revolution in the hopes of a smoke free world. First there were smoking sections to keep those smelly breathed, yellow toothed offenders in a small corner of the restaurant or bar. Then they had to go outside. Now we have them standing 25 feet from the building. I guess next they'll just make them smoke in oncoming traffic. What’s that smell? hmm nope its not a Marlboro- its the sweet smell of Prejudice, ladies and gents. I know smoking is bad and expensive but- for fucks sake- why not just have smoking bars and non-smoking bars and let Americans MAKE UP THEIR OWN MIND!? They have gay bars right? I'm not gay so I don't go (unless I just want to get my dance on)

oh wait. I know why- because that would be called *freedom*, something that died about 8 years ago.

Enough of the rants. I just have a problem with educational games and propaganda. This game is both. So it might be good that this game didn't make any tracks and was discovered on a ROM collection CD while I was bored. But think about it- back in the old days of gaming people could buy this sort of thing on a cartridge and spend almost 40 bucks for it.

On a happy note, Fantastic Voyage would be a great game, provided it was medically accurate and more fun than cleaning the walls of a mans lungs. You could have different missions and objectives. Like curing prostate cancer! Who wouldn't want to be play a video game that takes place inside a mans 'gouch'? Wait...never mind.

The show that made the 90's ( no not 'Friends')

People ask me sometimes WHY I write a blog about video games that are old, outdated, rarely played or suck altogether. Truthfully I do it for all the youngsters out there who have no idea just how primitive games used to be. I have 2 sisters that did not grow up in the 80's Nintendo era, so they haven't a clue just how big Mario was, and the blood they've seen in GTA and Doom 3 may have never happened if Mortal Kombat hadn't warped fragile young minds and pissed off bitchy soccer moms everywhere. The 1990's was a great decade for games (not to mention the only decade I really remember, hell in 1985 I was wearing GI:Joe underoos and eating my boogers) and other media as well. The PC was becoming a household tool thanks to Windows 95, the Internet was growing so fast, and people became millionaires in a matter of days with it (and lost those millions in less than a day). But video games were not the only thing that shook the media world, and got jaded middle Americans to get off their fat asses and bitch to the US government to tell others what they can and cannot see. Television and Radio was breaking rules that never really existed in the first place but that didn't stop many pussies from thinking otherwise.

Since this blog is called Video games AND the 90's I figured I'd cover both.

Beavis and Butthead- (1994/SNES/Genesis/Gameboy and Gamegear)

Beavis and Butthead was THE show of the 90's. Its first appearance was a crudely animated short by the shows creator Mike Judge called "Frog Baseball", in which Beavis and Butthead catch a live frog and use it as a baseball, then laugh like two jackasses when its dead. Horrible. But I couldn't stop laughing. This was just the beginning. MTV picked up the show and before you could say "Fartknocker" or "Buttmunch" it was a regular show and on every night. I loved it, each episode was just a day in the life of 2 dumbassed teenagers that just went through life (and laughed like idiots along the way). They lived in a shitty house in a white trash part of town, they worked in a fast food joint and they also lived together it seemed but they were not related, they were just good friends (not gay either- at least I don't think so). The adults in the show weather they were the boss at Burger World or their high school principal and teachers did everything they could to tame these two ass-wads to no success. Who needs education, social acceptance, and a work ethic when you have a TV, a baseball bat, a frog, some firecrakers, and a chainsaw that you just stole from ole' Mr. Anderson next door.

My father and I had a fondness for this jackassery in motion and it became a huge hit when it was made into a real reoccurring show on 5 nights a week. This was a cartoon that was finally made for adults, there was no apologies, and controversy of course came in spades for this show. Kids mimicked the show, burned down houses, and the like, just like their heroes on TV. Why would anyone want to be like the boys from the show? Simple,... because we were kids. Even if the show was made for adults only, fuck that MTV isn't going to snitch to my mom. As a result MTV would be forced to start the show with a disclaimer that told you to get some common sense, and the show was also only showed on late night TV.

The controversy in retrospect is kinda trivial and silly now when one thinks about it. Family Guy, South Park, and the late night run of Cartoon Network has even racier shows and more edgier jokes than Beavis and Butthead ever had. I think the reason behind that is that B&B wasn't about being subversive and crude, it was just good fun. South Park goes out of its way to offend you, all for just the sake of being offensive (IMO that show fucking blows). Family Guy (much better than South Park) is a cavalcade of slapstick and funny inside jokes, but it doesn't seem to have a 'direction'. Aqua Teen is good but... -Jesus fucking hell- forget it, what is that writing staff smoking. B&B was more grounded in reality than any of those shows. We were or at least knew a Beavis or a Butthead. Nothing they did was ever 'too stupid' or 'too surreal'. Even when the boys nearly wreak the town from rolling in a giant truck tire that rolls into traffic and derails a train you can still think 'It could happen, why not?'

MTV was looking to get away from its long established music roots. B&B was MTV's ticket to get away from music videos and focus their attention on lame shows involving groups of hot college students living in an apartment, or shows with people doing things like hitting themselves in the nuts with a hammer. How did the boys affect and subsequently kill the music video market? Simple. They watched those very videos and roasted them to the point where we finally saw the uselessness of the music videos. Like a puppet show the boys watched music vids and said on TV what the rest of the world was thinking.

"This sucks"

and

"What the hell is this crap"

Music videos are a stupid idea really, all of them are the same: There is a story centered around the song, and meanwhile the artist and his or her band are playing in the next room. Maybe there a hot chick coming out of a swimming pool in slow motion or the band is playing while wading in a septic tank, and bam! Theres your video. Sure, MTV still slings music videos around, chewing up young musically inept talents and then spitting them out so they can become bad film stars, but fuck all that. MTV should no longer stand for 'Music Television' anymore. Change the name.

In the early 90's these two boys stirred up hell, only to become a movie that even the snootiest critics had to like. The animated film: Beavis and Butthead Do America was a smash hit, and proved that even the simplest idea could be sustained for 90 minutes. I personally think its a brilliant movie for its time, and is a now rarity. You don't see animation like that anymore, now its all CGI with big name actors just supplying voices. Maybe the next summer blockbuster will center around blades of grass with the grass trying hard to make friends with the autum leaves that just fell on them. With voices by Jerry Seinfeld as a Larry the lawnmower , Edward Norton as Leafy and Chris Rock as the Grass. I'm rolling my eyes now- fuck that idea.

South Park, Family Guy and Robot Chicken- even if they all managed to join forces- can never be as good as B&B. Even the creators of those shows have tipped their hats to them in some way or another. You don't create laughter with just your fowl mouth little shits (I'm looking at you Trey Parker and Matt Stone), you will not become legendary with cut scenes and slapstick (FG creator Seth Macfarlane). Above all, those shows may have just been farts in the wind if not for Mike Judge giving us something sick and twisted to prepare ourselves with.

Mike Judge would later create the very down to earth animated family show King of the Hill. A show that B&B would probably consider "Wussy crap". Its very interesting to see that the creator of the first big subversive cartoon was able to later make something that even my grandmother can enjoy. Could the South Park guys do that? I wouldn't really want them to.

Beavis and Butthead-if real people- would be at least in their mid to late 20's by now (2008). The world has changed. You cannot get through life without a debit card and gas costs you your fucking blood. An airplane is impossible to get on now without being nearly probed anally. Fast food joints now have to tell you just HOW unhealthy their food is, because some stupid fat fuck sued them. People also blow themselves up in public, gun down Amish school children, and get themselves killed from having sex with a horse. I ask, are we REALLY getting more civilized? B&B were a couple of fucked up kids, but they'll never be as uncivilized as the real world.

Oh... shit, I forgot this was supposed to be an article about the Beavis and Butthead Video game made back in 94.

It sucks. I mean really sucks. Yep... total shit of a game. There. I'm done.

My first Genesis Article

Sheena Vs the worst car salesman ever
By the way the last two pics are just level 1
Bosses in this game just rape you as the game moves on.

Contra Hard Corps (1994-Konami) : A Tribute to the hardest fucking game I ever played.

Here it is folks, a Sega Genesis Article where I don't bash, knock, defame, or even negatively criticize Sega. I do however cut into Konami though, so sorry. On my blog I use my first amendment right to victimize games, and its developers. I will be fair and just this time and this page wont end in someone getting depressed or being told that their game SUCKS, because this game actually kicked ass back in the day, the downside was that it was not for newbies or people who think that just because they conquered Halo or Guitar Hero, they can defeat ANY game.

Super Nintendo had the some great titles going for them in 1992, few that I can remember. Contra III: the alien wars , was the only one that really sticks in my head. I loved playing it and after hours and hours of grueling over trying to defeat it, I finally finished the game until the very end (only to find that I needed to select the higher difficulty level in order to see the ending which was total horseshit, 'Normal' is enough). In those times Contra was the original NES's hardest games and Contra III up-ed that ante even more, resulting in a gaming experience that wasn't designed to be beaten, it was designed to beat you. If I could go back in time I would love to have bought stock in Galoob and Codemasters, the makers of the Game Genie cheating prep, because I'm certain they sold units like crazy due to this very game.

Sega owners were-I imagine- very bitter. They didn't get a version of Contra at the same time, so after Komani's office perhaps getting loaded with hate mail from pissed Sega fans, they had a go at making a version of the game that was for the 'edgier' system at that time. Contra Hard Corps released in 1994 to good reception, we loved it... at first.

Fact: This is the hardest game ever made

I believe that opinions generally turn into FACTS after a majority of people agree. CHC has been on the ' top hardest games' of all times near the top more than any other game I've heard about. This game isn't just hard to me, to me its nearly impossible to get through it without a Game Genie which points me to the fact that this title has NO cheat codes built into its programming, so a Game Genie is the only way.

From the constant onslaught of aliens and robots, to the speed at which they move, to unpredictable patterns, to those fucking monsters also having GREAT aim. This game was the only one that could turn a calm man like myself and make me want use my Genesis controller in to a boomerang. I'm terrible at this game anyways but its difficulty makes me so bad that I cannot even finish level 1. Its tough, and apparently I'm not alone in saying this.

Contra games were designed for arcades with the purpose of eating rolls after roll of quarters. These games are not impossible to defeat, as long as you remember from the last time you played, just HOW you died before, but Contra was the game that kept you coming back for more. Maybe you'd make it an inch or two THIS time.

However, CHC was not a bad game. It-in my humble opinion- is one of the top 5 best games that the Genesis had to offer. Its features include selectable characters, multiple paths and endings, and speed that the SNES wasn't able to do with its processor being half the power. The graphics are not as good as Contra III on the SNES. BUT with as long as this game is, one could imagine that the game's look would suffer just a bit. This game doesn't give you as many foot soldier battles like in CIII, instead we get about 5 boss battles per stage. Huge Bosses, some of which take up the whole goddamn screen, and with the faster processor you'll never see their swipe of death coming at you until it hits.

The only way I was able to finish this game was using the Game Genie. It must have taken me an hour to get through it, its a long run, and its loaded with hundreds of unique and creatively designed enemies and a story that is pretty well thought up (for 1994).

One thing that I loved and hated about this game was the final level. You'll think that you've reached your last boss battle, and suddenly NOPE its not over. Then your flying on a rocket ship clinging to the outside of it and shooting at alien filth that pokes its tentacles out of the panels and NOPE still more to kill. Then you'll be at the tip of the climbing and flying rocket and be forced to kill another giant boss that has about 5 different attack patterns as you try to fire away at its red 'weak spot'. Action movies don't mount the dangerous tension this high.

When its all over the games ending is really quite small. You know why? Because you weren't really supposed to beat this game. It was a different time, a time when you had to commit to winning. No saves, no cheats, and no mercy. Further proving the fact that they don't make them like they used to.

Land before 'Prime' (aka: my 'Fuck Halo' article)

[Whilst I was prancing around at a Wal-mart, I noticed the racks I call the 'Covet wall'. The video game racks, this section of the store gets me a lot of shady looks, mostly because I get caught humping the PS3 case. I won't lie, I want that thing. Behind these racks of all I lust, I see it. HALO. ]

Fuck Halo!

Sorry x-box fans- it just has to be said.

During the holidays I was keeping my researching eye on the 3 latest and greatest consoles on the market: The Wii, PS3, and the Xbox 360. All of these systems are fantastic and each of them have that ONE great feature that separates one from the other, weather its a new fangled way to control games or graphics so good you can count the strands of the characters ass hair.It was amazing the Nintendo won some ground with its underpowered, yet innovatively functional Wii (last year which was the consoles launch they couldn't even give those things away).

There are some 'killer apps' that have debuted in games. Guitar Hero, where you use a fucked up controller to play 'imaginary riffs' of legendary songs. Rock Band- a game just like GH but way more complicated and covers all the instruments along with a guitar. These games are fine in my book but it kinda pisses me off that 'party games' seem to dominate right now as of writing this article (1-12-08). While games with stories and real epic scale seem to be out of ideas or taking from other greater ideas from the past (IE. Bionic Commando is getting a xBox 360 face lift).

In this pile of games that are either sequels, remakes or crap is a game that is so derivative and dull that it amazes me that people spend hours playing it. Ha-fucking-lo. I understand the greatness of its multiplayer functions, and I guess i just don't have that gene in me that digs being called slurs over and over and being fragged repeatedly by people who spend their lives playing this shit.

These people that play this game hours on end are a sad lot. Most of them unemployed and overweight. I'm sure many of them don't have girlfriends and if they do, they are most certainly embarrassed to be with that couch tumor that's playing Halo. There is a line fanboys must draw in order to keep things sane. There's 1.)a big fan, then there's 2.)pathetically obsessed, then 3.) useless to society. Number 1 is someone that plays a game moderately and has beaten the game a few times and at the most knows a few tricks and secrets. Number 2 is someone that knows all the tricks, but still has to enter a cheat code, look at an FAQ but hell if you want that 'Special ending' your going to have to make an effort even if your up till 3am and have to call in sick at work and sacrifice a night of sex. If your number 3, then fuck you. Number 3 people have no job, don't need sleep, and can't have sex because a giant roll of fat covers their genitalia. That fan is death matching against everyone via broadband, and doing it all from his mothers basement.

I love FPS's and its single player story is very well done, but this games level design leaves something to be desired. That something is VARIETY.

Before I go further I should point out whom you play as in Halo. The Master Chief. A bio engineered man in a battle suit from the future. The United Nations has awoken you from cryo-stasis while your spaceship is under attack. This idea isn't all that new nor original, in fact its Demolition Man meets Universal Soldier meets Aliens. What are you fighting against? The covenant, an alien race hell bent on destroying man because...

because... Shit they don't really mention that. Well at least not in the games campaign mode. Anyways the covenant are a diverse group with a few different ranks from tall foot soldiers called Elites to pint-sized pawns called Grunts that remind you of Ewoks from Star Wars. The one thing I found cool about this game is that Grunts are really pussies and run away screaming as you run behind them with barrels blazing.

The rest of Halo,-at least the first game-is dominated with repetitive levels that love to tease and force you to walk back through them 3 times or more. For a game that only came on 1 cd, it took me forever to finish it. The ending wasn't worth my time, either. Its a good game but not life consumingly good.

Many who grew up in the 80's and 90's remember a great series Nintendo came up with in the heyday of the NES. Metriod! This was a side scroller with a protagonist with a special suit and what was better is that inside that suit was a hot chick name Samus. Master Chief needed to go hunting and find weapons, while Samus was already armed. Samus had an arm cannon with unlimited regular ammo and could fire a variety of special rockets. The NES version of Metroid was interesting because Samus's suit was usually tight pants and a pair of 'fuck me' knee high moon boots. The Snes version she was more covered and in a suit that allowed her to morph into balls, and dash through whatever got into her way. For the time these were all amazing ideas and it was all original.

Samus is a bounty hunter, a free spirit, a lone wolf. She has her own damn spaceship. Her own weapons. Her mission is to recover a Metroid organism and bring it back to scientists for it to be analyzed. Metriods however are highly desirable and every slimy fuck in the galaxy wants to reproduce them and perhaps make them into a weapon. Its 1 woman against the universe and the only thing guarding her is her special suit.

Master Chief on the other hand is a total flunky. He is part of the United Nations armed forces and is forced to do what he's told. Aside from a protective suit he doesn't get much else, except for Cortana, an artificial intelligence program in the form of a woman that lives inside his helmet. Cortana is a nagging bitch, constantly telling Master Chief everything she thinks he needs to know. Sucks to be a puppet on a string for someone that isn't even real.

Super Metriod rocks. I loved this game during the SNES days. In fact everyone loved it, and it is long considered the best the SNES had to offer. The levels look lush and dark and surreal, the sound is organic and yet still very much other-worldly futuristic. The gameplay is very easy to follow, but at the same time there's a lot of times you have to 'figure it out for yourself'. Your first time playing this you will take hours trying to finish it. Over 3 hours in fact. Enemies are all very detailed and not all of them really attack you, most of them are just creatures on the planet of Zebus that are just minding their own business, while others just simply don't want you fucking around them at all. Dead enemies will leave power-ups and health assuring you that you should NEVER run low on anything unless your careless and fire rockets at anything that looks funny.

What sells SM to me the most is the music and sound. Its a great soundtrack- dark, mysterious. It actually reminds me of Jerry Goldsmith's Alien film score. Most of the levels have a Jaws-like pulse that massages the ear, telling you that your not in kansas anymore. Its beginning cinematic is creepy, just showing you a lab setting with the Metroid organism floating in a jar, the camera panning across it, and your ears catch the squeals of its screams. Whatever the Metroid is, its probably dangerous even if it does look kind of like a cute jellyfish. It might be cute, but jellyfish still sting.

Halo does use the concept of moving through the same level twice, SM has this as well, but its better used. The only reason your going through an area again on SM is because your suit has a new ability and you'll need to use that to attain a higher power-up or to advance to another level. Halo's use of this is scripted, unavoidable and really just comes off as a lazy way to lengthen the game. Jumping puzzles is a platform staple that always pisses me off. I never cared for Super Mario World's use of always moving platforms and the way Mario moved as if there was a layer of margarine on the floor. Metriod has jumping puzzles but they are easier to navigate due to Samus not having grease on the bottom of her boots. I once saw Samus fall 50 feet down a tunnel and landed just fine. On the other hand, Halo never is about making any fantastic leaps and very rarely will it matter how you time your moves. In fact, Halo doesn't even need a jump button, unless your avoiding a landmine or playing a deathmatch game and you want to really piss off someone by bouncing around like a bunny on meth. SM gave us a challenge but it was one that was satisfying to complete.

and finally...

Halo: Combat Evolved had 2 endings, if you beat the game on a regular difficulty, you got a regular ending. On the highly difficult Legendary setting you got a better ending. Since I don't have the fucking patience to barrel through the Legendary setting, I'll probably won't see the latter ending except for on Youtube. Super Metroid had 2 endings as well. If you defeated the but it took you over 3 hours you got to see Samus with the visor on her helmet off, revealing her face. If you defeated this monster sized game in UNDER 3 hours, you got to see her out of her suit and in her black undies. No shit. look it up here. For game made in these days, partial nudity was the ultimate reward and we never got to see it. I don't know anyone that could beat SM in under 3 hours. Halo's legendary ending cannot top Samus in a black swimsuit. Not in a million years.

Even with the great sound, playability, graphics and even a chance at T and A, Metroid didn't get another chance to shine until the GameCube released Metroid prime, which Halo stomped all over. Sad. The Game Cube had the best looking games and Microsoft still put a mudhole in its ass, and with what 'killer app'?

Fuck it, I'm not even going to say (or type) its name again.

Point is, if you love to collect SNES shit and you haven't had a chance at playing Super Metroid, your missing out on one of the best games the SNES ever made.

Strange Finds: My totally amazing EXCELLENT discovery... NOT!

Wayne's World (yes, it was made into a video game)

1993

THQ

SNES,Genesis,Gameboy,NES (maybe others but who would care?)

Before comedian Mike Myers was 'shagadelic' and 'randy' as Austin Powers, he was Wayne Campbell of Aurora Illinois, a lovable loser that hosted a public access cable show along side his shy and quirky companion, Garth Algar. A running skit on Saturday Night Live like this didn't really NEED a movie behind it, but people loved the mullet-headed-hair-metal-loving dofuses that looked as if they were making a show while inside of a nogahide walled Midwestern family room basement, surrounded by the very things that made them losers: Their mom and dads antique collection, sports equipment, and 1980's rock memorabilia. These two lovable doucebags sat on a presumably smelly davenport and talked about rock, babes, and... rock. Hollywood of course HAD to squeeze pennies from this half-baked idea.

After the movie was out and was a hit, the other Hollywood; Video games, needed to cash in as well, and thus brings us to the subject at hand: Wayne's World: the video game. That sudden scream of horror or perhaps that quick burst of WTF laughter was you.

I don't know what is worse so please feel free to tell me:

A mediocre movie based on a crappy comedy sketch or...

A Video game about a mediocre movie, based on a crappy comedy sketch?

Whatever- the point is, this game sucked. Wayne is a large-headed bobble doll that runs around with his guitar. Not that cool white Fender Stratocaster that he bought in the film but a really horrible green pawn shop fodder guitar. Hit the attack button and he unleashes a riff that sends out killer sound waves that destroy evil. He jumps incredible distances around levels that sorta resemble guitar shops and rock clubs, defending the world-Wayne's World- from what is presumably evil,... bad,... things. He does all this with a sarcastic grin on his face that just fuckin BEGS to have a foot violently shoved in it heel first.

I have played this catastrophe and haven't even made it past level one. This is somewhat due to bad playability, but its mostly due to just the absolute horror on screen. I would rather watch a a farmer have sex a dead goat than play this waste of electricity. OH I forgot, did i mention WHAT KIND of evil your fighting and jumping around about? MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS!! but these are not 'cool' musical instruments like guitars or basses, oh no! These are lame ones like bag pipe with evil eyes on them that float around and assault you with noise. Drum sets that pummel you, and who wouldn't fear the mighty accordion that whacks you when you get too close? I didn't even lose at this game and I wanted to stomp a mud hole into my controller after playing. I think the only high point is hearing the sound clip of Wayne saying 'Shawing!' Wow thats pretty risky, a video game penis joke in 1993 didn't happen.

The gameplay is muddy, frustrating, and very untested. It seems like this was a rock and roll platformer that just had Wayne's annoying smile pasted to the character. This game features odd cut scenes that contain sketch inspired dialogue, but none of it is funny. There was no need for this game, and no reason to believe it would convince gamers to spend $50 or even $10 on the cart. This is the kind of game cart you accidentally steal while at a Goodwill when you were looking at the suspecting old bag behind the counter and were reaching for that must-have Gradius 3 cart but missed your mark, you get home pull the plastic box out from inside the crotch of your baggy jeans and DAMMIT you got the wrong one.

Now as I write this I realize that games and failure of this kind wasn't uncommon in gaming back in the 90's or even now. A lot of bad games are games based on movies, a movie comes out, people like it, and they want to experience it at home. No problem, but why do games based on movies usually SUCK?

Remember ET? Atari, armed with its 2600 console made a game based on the successful 1982 film and rushed its release date and gave the poor programmer only 6 weeks to build the game. The end result was appalling, the game made little sense, the graphics were ugly and made ET look like a mangled green cock. The gameplay consisted of falling in about 200 holes in order to find pieces of his phone to 'phone home'. This game was loaded on millions of cartridges and all of them came back to Atari. Along with that, Atari was in a financial crisis due to banking way too much on this game and the success that it never had a snowballs chance in hell of receiving. The video game crash was now in full swing and 1982-83 became a dark 2 years for gaming. It might not be ET's fault alone, but you don't end up burying millions of carts in New Mexico on 'just a bad call'. Its true. Atari broke and overstocked buried millions of ET carts, when faced with dire circumstances.

Things are different nowadays but very little has actually changed. Total Recall on the NES, Wayne's World on the SNES, Genesis, and Gameboy, Waterworld- and in this modern age- Enter The Matrix. The industry just hasn't learned its lesson. Very rarely does a video game based on a movie do well in the eyes of gamers. I myself think we all could do without it, we don't need crap based on crap, it just piles higher and higher.

Thank God Lucasarts makes Starwars games that deliver the goods, so maybe I'm wrong. But come on- WAYNE'S WORLD? Why?

Diamons and Dogshit Report 2 - A Diamond- Earthworm Jim

No cows were actaully hurt while making Earthworm Jim

For God's sake keep Pete safe! (Pete is that purple dog)
1994's Extreme Sports Event: Jim versus Major Mucus
Art that is silly and at the same time, serious.

No super-space-cyber-suit would be complete without undies!

Earthworm Jim

Shiny/Playmates/Virgin

1994

Somewhere between madness and genius there is a thing called 'brilliance'.

Earthworm Jim was madness, brilliance, genius and art all thrown into one package, and it came in the form of a run-and-shoot platformer in 1994. EJ was a grossly funny cartoon brought to life in a video game and its purpose was to take all the things that made up video gaming culture and subvert them as part of a parody. Along with its unique acerbic attitude toward games in those days, it also put a new character in the rankings of gaming, right next to Mario and Sonic. This game made you laugh and challenged you at the same time (lets put a strong emphasis on the word 'challenge').

The story to EJ was as odd as it was ludicrous, and that might have been done on purpose. The main character that you play as is the result of an accident, according to the games story. The games story (in short) tells us that a 'Ultra-high-tech-indestructible-super-space-cyber-suit' falls from space onto earth, and landed onto an earthworm. This earthworm ends up crawling inside of the suit and mutating from an ordinary crow-fearing, dirt-eating worm into a super intelligent heroic super earthworm named Jim. Now this story wouldn't be complete without a villain and it has one named Psy-crow, who is a funky looking (duh) crow that wears a suit similar to Jim's and he wants Jim's suit instead (I guess Jim's suit really rocks). What Psy-Crow also wants is to kidnap Princess Whats-her-name (that's the characters name, I'm not making that shit up). But Whatever, few of us actually cared about the story, we cared about the game.

What made the game so fun was the 'look'. The world in EJ was weird and cartoon-inspired from top to bottom, in fact that's what I digged about this game the most. I was and I am still an art nut and EJ always impresses me. The game was designed by a cartoon vet Doug TenNapel. The art and design of EJ looks like it takes creative points from Ren and Stimpy and the muscled character designs of Simon Bisley. Jim has his earthworm body sticking out of the collar hole of the muscular upper torso'ed yet skinny legged suit, It looks absolutely ridiculous, but its supposed to look silly, its a cartoon. Jim has the ability to pull out his head and 'whip' at things like enemies and hooks conveniently placed in level for which Jim could use to swing himself around. This game of course isn't complete without Jim being armed with a gun. His gun shoots what looks and sounds like regular bullets but it looks like a 50's inspired ray gun with an antenna tip, but as odd as it looks, its a lot better than Jim using his head as a whip. Princess-whats-her-name has a Betty Boop in a full-bodied 'bubble bee suit' look. Its very hard to describe and honestly I feel stupid even trying to right now, because if you are reading this right now there's a good chance you played this game and you remember all this, but its always fun to look back (that is the point of this blog).

These characters animated better than anything else in those days thanks to EJ being published and made on a very beefy 24 meg cart which was rarely heard of in platformers or any game for that matter. The gaming world called this motion technology 'Animotion' but I'm sure that was just fancy talk for 'We worked on this game harder than any other have before us'. The work showed and after awhile during playing, you just forgot it was a game and began to control a VERY fun cartoon. More impressive was also what was going on BEHIND and AROUND Jim.

The world of Earthworm Jim was a diverse place, each level looking and playing different and unique from the other. The first level called 'New Junk City' takes place in a cartoon version of a junk yard, with crows flying around and pecking at you and guard dogs nipping at your heels. Another level called 'Down The Tubes' takes place underwater inside tubing that looks like a hamster tube maze and get this; you also get to ride a hamster at one point! No two levels look the same at all and that was a surprise back in those days, usually we'd see the same brick walls and the same trees over and over (*cough* Mario! *cough*) but not here. Another plus was that you were never moving JUST left to right, EJ had you moving zig-zag style from one area to another, up, down, all around and even forward away from the screen into space like on the 'Andy Asteroids' levels.

This was also part of the challenge, no longer could you just run and jump. You had to think, be creative and figure out things. This was more of a challenge for players because NOW they had to really look at the levels and see for themselves just WHY we couldn't get that green diamond in 'What The Heck' to levitate Jim from point A to point B. Gaming magazines must have been in good business in 1994 because plenty of us were thumbing through EGM's and Gamepro's trying to get tips on how to help Jim save the universe. Strategy guides could never help us perfectly time and help us swing Jim around from hook to hook on certain levels and gamers had to find a pattern to go by and never, ever stay from it. It was a challenge but never so frustrating that we had to fling our controllers into a wall because we died 100 times a level.

A game that is designed by a cartoonist deserves and requires cartoon-ish sound. If you thought Hanna Barbara had some sound effects that were unique then your still right, cause EJ had a sound effects cache that was familiar and nostalgic, even in those days. Jim's voice samples (done by creator TenNapel) sounded like he had a funny southern twang, but was a hillbilly that was trying too hard to be cool. Whenever Jim said "Groovy" I giggled, it was funny. Hit a speed orb in Andy Astroids and you'll hear Jim scream "Whoa NELLY!",- goofy as Hell. The music ranged from serious rock sounds, to backwood-sy banjo shit and the 'What The Heck' level had elevator music that was interrupted by rampant screams of unseen victims being held prisoner in the land of 'Heck',- totally goofy. The sounds of EJ was a layer of video gaming art that before then was sometimes overlooked or just took a back seat to the games visuals. This was 94' so we'd better hear something better than 'Doinks' and 'Pings' like in Mario.

The result was good. The game was fun and great sales of the title followed. A lot less was sacred in a game now. You could now use a video game as a good medium for comedy. This was really the first successful 'comedy game' and this game had a blast making fun of other games that were in the same vein. It was a gross out game as well, seeing that one of the enemies of EJ was a anthropomorphic ball of snot named Major Mucus, but it was all in good fun,... what kid doesn't pick his nose?

Was anything wrong with EJ? Yes, it got famous. Jim spawned merchandising that was ranked next to Mortal Kombat and Mario. Everything from action figures to a Saturday morning cartoon came out from the success of Earthworm Jim. The inevitable yet predictable sequel was good, but lighting didn't strike twice and honestly I didn't like it as much. Other games have been made but the fact that I can't remember any of them is a bad sign (I even know all the names of the Full House line-up). The only cool EJ plug I liked was his cameo appearance in Clayfighter 63 and a 3/4 (to bad that game sucked). But the original EJ was a gem and it came at a time when most of us thought that platformers were on the way out. Earthworm Jim revived a genre that was getting its ass kicked by the 'Fighting games' that ruled in the 90's and showed that an old dog like the 'platformer' could be taught new tricks.

Years later, TenNapel moved on after EJ to do the game 'The Neverhood' that had a sequel to it called 'Skullmonkeys'. Skullmonkeys was a stop-motion, clay-mated platformer on the PS1 that really felt like Earthworm Jim, even though it looked NOTHING like it. I was so sure that it was made by the same creator even at that time, so its good to know that I was right about that when I did my research JUST before writing this article. I also think I should add that because of that revelation I now see that art is easy to find and easy to recognize. Video games really don't get a lot of credit for artistic achievement even today and its not fair.

But that's a different subject for a different time.