Wall Street's Kids love games

Yep, its THAT fucking fun.
Ditto
You know there ARE probably better screens than this but since I didn't play this game, this is what you get.

I’m no financial analyst, nor political analyst and you don’t have to insult me with it ok! I’m not very smart. There is one thing I am sharp on and it knowing bullshit when I hear it. A prime example is when the word ‘recession’ was being used when describing our economy a few months back. Everyone was asking “are we headed towards a recession?” People at where I work threw the phrase around as well - and asked me as if I was the kind of guy that reads a newspaper (I don’t need a newspaper I got the web). Some days I can’t remember what fucking day it is, now I have to remember the Word of the Month- screw that. Even in the haze of my first few awake hours at work before my tasks were at hand and the the only thing that keeps me from collapsing is a Mcdonalds iced coffee, I had an answer for the “Do you think we are heading into a recession?” pop quiz- and my answer was quite simple:

“I thought we were already in one.”

The fact is, in the last 8 years and even before 911 our economy was circling the drain and the terror attacks and the subsequent war in Iraq that followed didn’t help. Gas shot from $1.50 and then climbed to 2 bucks in less than a year ( now it nearly costs your damn blood). Stocks dropped like a stone in an empty pool. Then to add more insult to injury, jobs did a vanishing act. The poor bastards that made 10 and hour in a factory is forced to work now at wal-mart for way less because his old job got shipped to China. Ironically and painfully he is now stocking the very goods he once made (only now its made shittier and with lead). Wall Street and the biggest banks in the world had a damned party during these terrible times- giving out loans to people that had no earthly way of paying for them ( ‘Oh, yeah I had to HAVE money to PAY that mortgage and I needed a JOB to do it). Now the US gov has to pony up 700 billion to save their Harvard asses. That’s BILLION folks with a ‘B’.

How does this relate to video games? It doesn’t. Well… maybe it does. People are going to be paying for this- not the banks that fucked it all up but people like you and me. The video game market might take a hit for this. A new x box 360 isn’t going to fuel your car or heat your house and the latest installment of Mario isn’t going to make your upcoming higher taxes go away. It’s a damned shame because less than a decade ago the industry was at its highest and video games finally were outselling the music business. Mind you, back then the economy was WAY better when you compare it too now. Its like comparing apples and turds.

You even might think “Gee, at least this is a social and economic problem you CAN’T blame on games!”. Sorry it kind of is. Every time a stupid asshole storms into a school or building with a shotgun and plays Duck Hunt with classmates or co-workers- the video game industry takes a hit from Joe Lieberman, Hilary Clinton, Bush’s wife and also most of the conservatives on Capital Hill. Many of these blame flamers go on rants about how these games train and influence people to commit violent acts on others- while millions of others play these games and never hurt a soul. Meanwhile there are plenty of non violent games that really don’t influence anyone. Except maybe Tetris- I think of that game anytime I stack boxes at work.

Here is where I make my point after 4 goddamned paragraphs of my banter. Back in 1990 a video game was made for the NES called “Wall Street Kid”, a simulation game about the stock market that only about 3 people owned and 1 person liked (and that person probably wore a helmet indoors). I’ve never played this game because I care about the quality of my sanity but I can only imagine that it is an abortion in a NES cart. Based from what I’ve read- in this game you play a young investor that inherits $500,000 and is now trying to make more of that money by investing it into the stock market. While this sounds pretty educational and rewarding, it falls short. Along with the simulation of the stock market, you also have a girlfriend that you have to take out on dates, and buy things for so she’ll stay with you. You also have to make time for the gym and buy a yacht. I wish I was making all this up. In this game you can’t just make an honest and reasonable living and enjoy your life- you also have to maintain a relationship with a gold digging cunt and blow your cash on a castle that once belonged to a family. I don’t know why but I suddenly care about that family that just lost their castle to a pig.

I’d love to be able to trust the stock market a little more. Then if I ever inherit 500 k I can buy an old NES off eBAY and a copy of WSK. Then after learning all I can from the game I can then move to New York and spend some time on the trading floor- dressed in one of those suits or those stupid day glow vests. Raising my hand, yelling out numbers, looking at computer screens of symbols with numbers and at the time the closing bell rings I can find out that Adelphia took all the money I invested and gave it too the 2 sons and 1 father that owns the company so they can buy a 10,000 dollar umbrella stand. Then I can take the remaining 5 bucks and buy myself a McRib on my way to my new job at WalMart. Thanks Wall Street Kid. The McRib was good and the vest makes me look like a douchebag.

Now if every school shooting gets blamed on games why can’t this pile of shit be blamed for this crisis with the economy? Because it was made back in 1990? Hell most of the people work for these banks were in their 20s in those days and might have owned a Nintendo. The seeds of insane financial decision making were sown in those years. Then suddenly when the time was right BAM they became an insider with the NYSE and using the ‘Nintendo Logic’ they crippled the market.

Ok- Now that I’ve failed to convince you that (unless your dangerously retarded), then why are video games blamed for violence in our society? I don’t think that the Lehman brothers played Wall Street Kid. Washington Mutual’s heads are too old too be playing video games that are almost 2 decades old. But still, Wall Street Kids played games with us. It was all a damn game to them.

“I never understood why the people of France chopped off Marie Antoinette’s head- NOW I FUCKIN’ GET IT!” -

LEWIS BLACK
(BLACK ON BROADWAY)

To check out an even more ‘Not so nice’ review of Wall Street kid check out Seanbaby.com HERE and look at other horrible ideas to base NES games on.

Diamonds and Dogshit Report- Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon

I entered a trachea once, and the bitch never called back.

Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon

Sculptured Software/Heath Hero Network inc. 1993

SNES (but oddly enough never released for the crappier systems)

When a console dies off, it becomes a sort of free for all to see just exactly what was made for it. The Nintendo Gamecube- while largely ignored and died ungracefully and unfairly- is now being sought after due to its low aftermarket price and little-known gems of games that were released for it. Some of these games turn out to be great finds, proving that sometimes hype doesn't always equal success. Games like R-type are a fine example (I'd never heard of them until now, and I'm addicted to all games R-type), we rarely heard about it but when you've played it you wonder just how it got past you.

Then there’s the shit that was better left not made. Games based on sitcoms, movies, board games, TV soaps or any game with porn and nudity in it. You would think that these properties, with all the money invested towards them- that developers would put some extra TLC into them. Nope. ET, Enter the Matrix and even the Tim Allen sitcom "Home Improvement" all flopped once made into pixeled adventures.
Here's a game that isn't based on anything really other than a decent idea, but still was a pile o' shit. You play as Rex Ronan, a doctor doing a new experimental surgery to a patient that is dying of smoking-related symptoms. This patient is a heavy smoker and why? its his job. He worked as a salesman for a huge tobacco company and his career has now backfired and is killing him. Rex Ronan’s only big idea rather than chemo and telling this man to lay off the smokes is to shrink himself to a microscopic size and scrub out all the tar, pre-cancerous cells and even tooth stains. 9 years of medical school and the poor, micronic bastard has to travel into the center of this mans sternum to cure his cancer. Armed with a Ghostbusters-like ray gun, a flying ship, and dressed in full purple spandex, this man is ready to kick some cancerous ass.

The sci fi classic movie Fantastic Voyage comes to mind sure, but this wasn't really based on that. It is its own bad idea. RR:ES is a title as awful as it is obscure, but really the concept and story of the game isn't THAT bad its just poorly executed. This game suffers from bugs, failure controls and graphics that leave a lot to be desired. But I'll have more on that later.

Now as your scrubbing the inner walls of this mans throat and lungs, you'll face an army of nano robots. These bots are programmed to kill you before you complete your mission in saving this mans life and have been planted there by the tobacco company to insure that the patient never blows his whistle on them. You see, there’s another great idea: corporate paranoia. Unfortunately for the tobacco company they only built robots that were made of legos 'cause they die so easily. If they don't fall apart easily then they're cheap as hell and replicated 1,000 times. Bullshit.

This game is plagued (or cancer riddled) with the dullest missions and most lifeless levels. One such in particular is the level where you use your spaceship (or BODY ship-whatever) to travel through this patients bronchial tubes or wind pipe and have to avoid mucus (all in a very unplayable third person perspective). Not just any mucus though, its some kind of acidy mucus that eats away at the metal of your ship and is so solid that you can crash into it. Shooting at the snot balls gives you points and also is an expensive and dangerous alternative to just prescribing this man some cough syrup.

The look of the game is ok, but still could use some accuracy as far as human anatomy is concerned. I know that a humans throat does not have twists and turns and two-way tunnels and I never went to medical school or even college. Lungs in this game look like sewer tunnels lined with a semen-like substance that is supposed to be cancer cells. Robots are all cloned one after another and attack you in large groups making up for the ease of their demise by just all ganging up on you. The bullshittery is topped off by the worst sound samples and music that would make you want to stay inside an elevator to hear MIDI tracks of 'man eater' by Hall and

Oats until you attacked your eardrums with a q-tip and a hammer.

Sculptured Software gave us the Mortal Kombat games on the SNES and they also gave us this. I guess everyone makes mistakes, but how far does the process of making shit like this take before someone was smart enough to stand up in the office and say "Hey guys, this game is a travesty. Maybe we ought to stop here before it gets out of hand." Along with being boring its also an edutainment game that attempts to demonize tobacco, and the tobacco industry long before the meaningless laws were made.

According to the surgeon general and groups of heath-Nazi Californians, a man smoking a cig at the beach 20 feet away from you is attempting to kill you with his filthy habit. I don't smoke but as I played this I really suddenly had a hankering for a pack of camels. I just wanted to light up that loosy and suck that smooth, chemical enhanced flavor and be as fuckin cool as Steve-fuckin-Mcqueen. Ironic huh?

The 90's saw a revolution in the hopes of a smoke free world. First there were smoking sections to keep those smelly breathed, yellow toothed offenders in a small corner of the restaurant or bar. Then they had to go outside. Now we have them standing 25 feet from the building. I guess next they'll just make them smoke in oncoming traffic. What’s that smell? hmm nope its not a Marlboro- its the sweet smell of Prejudice, ladies and gents. I know smoking is bad and expensive but- for fucks sake- why not just have smoking bars and non-smoking bars and let Americans MAKE UP THEIR OWN MIND!? They have gay bars right? I'm not gay so I don't go (unless I just want to get my dance on)

oh wait. I know why- because that would be called *freedom*, something that died about 8 years ago.

Enough of the rants. I just have a problem with educational games and propaganda. This game is both. So it might be good that this game didn't make any tracks and was discovered on a ROM collection CD while I was bored. But think about it- back in the old days of gaming people could buy this sort of thing on a cartridge and spend almost 40 bucks for it.

On a happy note, Fantastic Voyage would be a great game, provided it was medically accurate and more fun than cleaning the walls of a mans lungs. You could have different missions and objectives. Like curing prostate cancer! Who wouldn't want to be play a video game that takes place inside a mans 'gouch'? Wait...never mind.

The show that made the 90's ( no not 'Friends')

People ask me sometimes WHY I write a blog about video games that are old, outdated, rarely played or suck altogether. Truthfully I do it for all the youngsters out there who have no idea just how primitive games used to be. I have 2 sisters that did not grow up in the 80's Nintendo era, so they haven't a clue just how big Mario was, and the blood they've seen in GTA and Doom 3 may have never happened if Mortal Kombat hadn't warped fragile young minds and pissed off bitchy soccer moms everywhere. The 1990's was a great decade for games (not to mention the only decade I really remember, hell in 1985 I was wearing GI:Joe underoos and eating my boogers) and other media as well. The PC was becoming a household tool thanks to Windows 95, the Internet was growing so fast, and people became millionaires in a matter of days with it (and lost those millions in less than a day). But video games were not the only thing that shook the media world, and got jaded middle Americans to get off their fat asses and bitch to the US government to tell others what they can and cannot see. Television and Radio was breaking rules that never really existed in the first place but that didn't stop many pussies from thinking otherwise.

Since this blog is called Video games AND the 90's I figured I'd cover both.

Beavis and Butthead- (1994/SNES/Genesis/Gameboy and Gamegear)

Beavis and Butthead was THE show of the 90's. Its first appearance was a crudely animated short by the shows creator Mike Judge called "Frog Baseball", in which Beavis and Butthead catch a live frog and use it as a baseball, then laugh like two jackasses when its dead. Horrible. But I couldn't stop laughing. This was just the beginning. MTV picked up the show and before you could say "Fartknocker" or "Buttmunch" it was a regular show and on every night. I loved it, each episode was just a day in the life of 2 dumbassed teenagers that just went through life (and laughed like idiots along the way). They lived in a shitty house in a white trash part of town, they worked in a fast food joint and they also lived together it seemed but they were not related, they were just good friends (not gay either- at least I don't think so). The adults in the show weather they were the boss at Burger World or their high school principal and teachers did everything they could to tame these two ass-wads to no success. Who needs education, social acceptance, and a work ethic when you have a TV, a baseball bat, a frog, some firecrakers, and a chainsaw that you just stole from ole' Mr. Anderson next door.

My father and I had a fondness for this jackassery in motion and it became a huge hit when it was made into a real reoccurring show on 5 nights a week. This was a cartoon that was finally made for adults, there was no apologies, and controversy of course came in spades for this show. Kids mimicked the show, burned down houses, and the like, just like their heroes on TV. Why would anyone want to be like the boys from the show? Simple,... because we were kids. Even if the show was made for adults only, fuck that MTV isn't going to snitch to my mom. As a result MTV would be forced to start the show with a disclaimer that told you to get some common sense, and the show was also only showed on late night TV.

The controversy in retrospect is kinda trivial and silly now when one thinks about it. Family Guy, South Park, and the late night run of Cartoon Network has even racier shows and more edgier jokes than Beavis and Butthead ever had. I think the reason behind that is that B&B wasn't about being subversive and crude, it was just good fun. South Park goes out of its way to offend you, all for just the sake of being offensive (IMO that show fucking blows). Family Guy (much better than South Park) is a cavalcade of slapstick and funny inside jokes, but it doesn't seem to have a 'direction'. Aqua Teen is good but... -Jesus fucking hell- forget it, what is that writing staff smoking. B&B was more grounded in reality than any of those shows. We were or at least knew a Beavis or a Butthead. Nothing they did was ever 'too stupid' or 'too surreal'. Even when the boys nearly wreak the town from rolling in a giant truck tire that rolls into traffic and derails a train you can still think 'It could happen, why not?'

MTV was looking to get away from its long established music roots. B&B was MTV's ticket to get away from music videos and focus their attention on lame shows involving groups of hot college students living in an apartment, or shows with people doing things like hitting themselves in the nuts with a hammer. How did the boys affect and subsequently kill the music video market? Simple. They watched those very videos and roasted them to the point where we finally saw the uselessness of the music videos. Like a puppet show the boys watched music vids and said on TV what the rest of the world was thinking.

"This sucks"

and

"What the hell is this crap"

Music videos are a stupid idea really, all of them are the same: There is a story centered around the song, and meanwhile the artist and his or her band are playing in the next room. Maybe there a hot chick coming out of a swimming pool in slow motion or the band is playing while wading in a septic tank, and bam! Theres your video. Sure, MTV still slings music videos around, chewing up young musically inept talents and then spitting them out so they can become bad film stars, but fuck all that. MTV should no longer stand for 'Music Television' anymore. Change the name.

In the early 90's these two boys stirred up hell, only to become a movie that even the snootiest critics had to like. The animated film: Beavis and Butthead Do America was a smash hit, and proved that even the simplest idea could be sustained for 90 minutes. I personally think its a brilliant movie for its time, and is a now rarity. You don't see animation like that anymore, now its all CGI with big name actors just supplying voices. Maybe the next summer blockbuster will center around blades of grass with the grass trying hard to make friends with the autum leaves that just fell on them. With voices by Jerry Seinfeld as a Larry the lawnmower , Edward Norton as Leafy and Chris Rock as the Grass. I'm rolling my eyes now- fuck that idea.

South Park, Family Guy and Robot Chicken- even if they all managed to join forces- can never be as good as B&B. Even the creators of those shows have tipped their hats to them in some way or another. You don't create laughter with just your fowl mouth little shits (I'm looking at you Trey Parker and Matt Stone), you will not become legendary with cut scenes and slapstick (FG creator Seth Macfarlane). Above all, those shows may have just been farts in the wind if not for Mike Judge giving us something sick and twisted to prepare ourselves with.

Mike Judge would later create the very down to earth animated family show King of the Hill. A show that B&B would probably consider "Wussy crap". Its very interesting to see that the creator of the first big subversive cartoon was able to later make something that even my grandmother can enjoy. Could the South Park guys do that? I wouldn't really want them to.

Beavis and Butthead-if real people- would be at least in their mid to late 20's by now (2008). The world has changed. You cannot get through life without a debit card and gas costs you your fucking blood. An airplane is impossible to get on now without being nearly probed anally. Fast food joints now have to tell you just HOW unhealthy their food is, because some stupid fat fuck sued them. People also blow themselves up in public, gun down Amish school children, and get themselves killed from having sex with a horse. I ask, are we REALLY getting more civilized? B&B were a couple of fucked up kids, but they'll never be as uncivilized as the real world.

Oh... shit, I forgot this was supposed to be an article about the Beavis and Butthead Video game made back in 94.

It sucks. I mean really sucks. Yep... total shit of a game. There. I'm done.