Diamonds and Dogshit Report- Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon

I entered a trachea once, and the bitch never called back.

Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon

Sculptured Software/Heath Hero Network inc. 1993

SNES (but oddly enough never released for the crappier systems)

When a console dies off, it becomes a sort of free for all to see just exactly what was made for it. The Nintendo Gamecube- while largely ignored and died ungracefully and unfairly- is now being sought after due to its low aftermarket price and little-known gems of games that were released for it. Some of these games turn out to be great finds, proving that sometimes hype doesn't always equal success. Games like R-type are a fine example (I'd never heard of them until now, and I'm addicted to all games R-type), we rarely heard about it but when you've played it you wonder just how it got past you.

Then there’s the shit that was better left not made. Games based on sitcoms, movies, board games, TV soaps or any game with porn and nudity in it. You would think that these properties, with all the money invested towards them- that developers would put some extra TLC into them. Nope. ET, Enter the Matrix and even the Tim Allen sitcom "Home Improvement" all flopped once made into pixeled adventures.
Here's a game that isn't based on anything really other than a decent idea, but still was a pile o' shit. You play as Rex Ronan, a doctor doing a new experimental surgery to a patient that is dying of smoking-related symptoms. This patient is a heavy smoker and why? its his job. He worked as a salesman for a huge tobacco company and his career has now backfired and is killing him. Rex Ronan’s only big idea rather than chemo and telling this man to lay off the smokes is to shrink himself to a microscopic size and scrub out all the tar, pre-cancerous cells and even tooth stains. 9 years of medical school and the poor, micronic bastard has to travel into the center of this mans sternum to cure his cancer. Armed with a Ghostbusters-like ray gun, a flying ship, and dressed in full purple spandex, this man is ready to kick some cancerous ass.

The sci fi classic movie Fantastic Voyage comes to mind sure, but this wasn't really based on that. It is its own bad idea. RR:ES is a title as awful as it is obscure, but really the concept and story of the game isn't THAT bad its just poorly executed. This game suffers from bugs, failure controls and graphics that leave a lot to be desired. But I'll have more on that later.

Now as your scrubbing the inner walls of this mans throat and lungs, you'll face an army of nano robots. These bots are programmed to kill you before you complete your mission in saving this mans life and have been planted there by the tobacco company to insure that the patient never blows his whistle on them. You see, there’s another great idea: corporate paranoia. Unfortunately for the tobacco company they only built robots that were made of legos 'cause they die so easily. If they don't fall apart easily then they're cheap as hell and replicated 1,000 times. Bullshit.

This game is plagued (or cancer riddled) with the dullest missions and most lifeless levels. One such in particular is the level where you use your spaceship (or BODY ship-whatever) to travel through this patients bronchial tubes or wind pipe and have to avoid mucus (all in a very unplayable third person perspective). Not just any mucus though, its some kind of acidy mucus that eats away at the metal of your ship and is so solid that you can crash into it. Shooting at the snot balls gives you points and also is an expensive and dangerous alternative to just prescribing this man some cough syrup.

The look of the game is ok, but still could use some accuracy as far as human anatomy is concerned. I know that a humans throat does not have twists and turns and two-way tunnels and I never went to medical school or even college. Lungs in this game look like sewer tunnels lined with a semen-like substance that is supposed to be cancer cells. Robots are all cloned one after another and attack you in large groups making up for the ease of their demise by just all ganging up on you. The bullshittery is topped off by the worst sound samples and music that would make you want to stay inside an elevator to hear MIDI tracks of 'man eater' by Hall and

Oats until you attacked your eardrums with a q-tip and a hammer.

Sculptured Software gave us the Mortal Kombat games on the SNES and they also gave us this. I guess everyone makes mistakes, but how far does the process of making shit like this take before someone was smart enough to stand up in the office and say "Hey guys, this game is a travesty. Maybe we ought to stop here before it gets out of hand." Along with being boring its also an edutainment game that attempts to demonize tobacco, and the tobacco industry long before the meaningless laws were made.

According to the surgeon general and groups of heath-Nazi Californians, a man smoking a cig at the beach 20 feet away from you is attempting to kill you with his filthy habit. I don't smoke but as I played this I really suddenly had a hankering for a pack of camels. I just wanted to light up that loosy and suck that smooth, chemical enhanced flavor and be as fuckin cool as Steve-fuckin-Mcqueen. Ironic huh?

The 90's saw a revolution in the hopes of a smoke free world. First there were smoking sections to keep those smelly breathed, yellow toothed offenders in a small corner of the restaurant or bar. Then they had to go outside. Now we have them standing 25 feet from the building. I guess next they'll just make them smoke in oncoming traffic. What’s that smell? hmm nope its not a Marlboro- its the sweet smell of Prejudice, ladies and gents. I know smoking is bad and expensive but- for fucks sake- why not just have smoking bars and non-smoking bars and let Americans MAKE UP THEIR OWN MIND!? They have gay bars right? I'm not gay so I don't go (unless I just want to get my dance on)

oh wait. I know why- because that would be called *freedom*, something that died about 8 years ago.

Enough of the rants. I just have a problem with educational games and propaganda. This game is both. So it might be good that this game didn't make any tracks and was discovered on a ROM collection CD while I was bored. But think about it- back in the old days of gaming people could buy this sort of thing on a cartridge and spend almost 40 bucks for it.

On a happy note, Fantastic Voyage would be a great game, provided it was medically accurate and more fun than cleaning the walls of a mans lungs. You could have different missions and objectives. Like curing prostate cancer! Who wouldn't want to be play a video game that takes place inside a mans 'gouch'? Wait...never mind.

My first Genesis Article

Sheena Vs the worst car salesman ever
By the way the last two pics are just level 1
Bosses in this game just rape you as the game moves on.

Contra Hard Corps (1994-Konami) : A Tribute to the hardest fucking game I ever played.

Here it is folks, a Sega Genesis Article where I don't bash, knock, defame, or even negatively criticize Sega. I do however cut into Konami though, so sorry. On my blog I use my first amendment right to victimize games, and its developers. I will be fair and just this time and this page wont end in someone getting depressed or being told that their game SUCKS, because this game actually kicked ass back in the day, the downside was that it was not for newbies or people who think that just because they conquered Halo or Guitar Hero, they can defeat ANY game.

Super Nintendo had the some great titles going for them in 1992, few that I can remember. Contra III: the alien wars , was the only one that really sticks in my head. I loved playing it and after hours and hours of grueling over trying to defeat it, I finally finished the game until the very end (only to find that I needed to select the higher difficulty level in order to see the ending which was total horseshit, 'Normal' is enough). In those times Contra was the original NES's hardest games and Contra III up-ed that ante even more, resulting in a gaming experience that wasn't designed to be beaten, it was designed to beat you. If I could go back in time I would love to have bought stock in Galoob and Codemasters, the makers of the Game Genie cheating prep, because I'm certain they sold units like crazy due to this very game.

Sega owners were-I imagine- very bitter. They didn't get a version of Contra at the same time, so after Komani's office perhaps getting loaded with hate mail from pissed Sega fans, they had a go at making a version of the game that was for the 'edgier' system at that time. Contra Hard Corps released in 1994 to good reception, we loved it... at first.

Fact: This is the hardest game ever made

I believe that opinions generally turn into FACTS after a majority of people agree. CHC has been on the ' top hardest games' of all times near the top more than any other game I've heard about. This game isn't just hard to me, to me its nearly impossible to get through it without a Game Genie which points me to the fact that this title has NO cheat codes built into its programming, so a Game Genie is the only way.

From the constant onslaught of aliens and robots, to the speed at which they move, to unpredictable patterns, to those fucking monsters also having GREAT aim. This game was the only one that could turn a calm man like myself and make me want use my Genesis controller in to a boomerang. I'm terrible at this game anyways but its difficulty makes me so bad that I cannot even finish level 1. Its tough, and apparently I'm not alone in saying this.

Contra games were designed for arcades with the purpose of eating rolls after roll of quarters. These games are not impossible to defeat, as long as you remember from the last time you played, just HOW you died before, but Contra was the game that kept you coming back for more. Maybe you'd make it an inch or two THIS time.

However, CHC was not a bad game. It-in my humble opinion- is one of the top 5 best games that the Genesis had to offer. Its features include selectable characters, multiple paths and endings, and speed that the SNES wasn't able to do with its processor being half the power. The graphics are not as good as Contra III on the SNES. BUT with as long as this game is, one could imagine that the game's look would suffer just a bit. This game doesn't give you as many foot soldier battles like in CIII, instead we get about 5 boss battles per stage. Huge Bosses, some of which take up the whole goddamn screen, and with the faster processor you'll never see their swipe of death coming at you until it hits.

The only way I was able to finish this game was using the Game Genie. It must have taken me an hour to get through it, its a long run, and its loaded with hundreds of unique and creatively designed enemies and a story that is pretty well thought up (for 1994).

One thing that I loved and hated about this game was the final level. You'll think that you've reached your last boss battle, and suddenly NOPE its not over. Then your flying on a rocket ship clinging to the outside of it and shooting at alien filth that pokes its tentacles out of the panels and NOPE still more to kill. Then you'll be at the tip of the climbing and flying rocket and be forced to kill another giant boss that has about 5 different attack patterns as you try to fire away at its red 'weak spot'. Action movies don't mount the dangerous tension this high.

When its all over the games ending is really quite small. You know why? Because you weren't really supposed to beat this game. It was a different time, a time when you had to commit to winning. No saves, no cheats, and no mercy. Further proving the fact that they don't make them like they used to.

Diamonds and Dogshit Report- Dogshit- Nintendo starts seeing red

I am currently writing an article about Sega and its rise and fall. Ultimately that piece of writing will be a truthful and brutally honest commentary on HOW that company blew it and now no longer makes consoles. But in the process of writing that, I thought: Nintendo has had some stinkers too. The Power Glove was Nintendo's worst peripheral back in the 80's, so bad that even its 90 minute movie/commercial starring Fred Savage (The Wizard) couldn't save it. That however was the 80's and I hadn't gotten into gaming then. Nintendo enjoyed a prosperous and well deserved place at the top back in the 1990's with the SNES and its Gameboy systems, which gives good reason that they would take some risks, try to cash in on a trend, and then lose.

Nintendo loves to try something new weather its needed or not. Lately they've released the Nintendo DS, a portable with 2 screens, one of them being a touch screen, not to mention N64 graphic and sound capabilities. So far that has been a success, even as currently the Game Cube is eating the dust of the original Xbox and PS2, Nintendo manages to keep afloat with its portable market. But Nintendo can't afford to fuck things up now, drastic moves in the wrong direction will send them into bankruptcy and force them to join the ranks with Atari and Sega as 'failed console companies'. As far as consoles Nintendo only has 1 failure: The Virtual Boy.

In the 1990's Virtual Reality was this buzzword that hit the gaming world by storm and it seemed to have one common element that would make an ordinary game seem like a virtual game: a screen inside a pair of large goggles. If the screen was 2 inches away from your face than you suddenly were IN the game. Games like Doom and Hexen gave us a new genre called the 'first person shooter'. This was a time when people didn't want to just SEE Mario beat king Kuppa they wanted to BE Mario and beat king Kuppa. Trouble is, console makers really didn't know what to do with VR. Sega had a cool VR system in the works but it never made it past the prototype phase. Even the Atari Jaguar had a VR system planned as a cool peripheral. Nintendo ran with this concept and the inventor of the Gameboy, Gunpei Yokoi dreamed up a product.

The VB came out in 1995 and on the outside this thing looked pretty,... interesting. VB looked like a pair of huge googles mounted on the tripod. This device has some interesting hardware inside, such as a 32 bit processor. Another thing that made this thing unique was its ability to play a different set of graphics in each eye creating an illusion of 3d, similar to the effects used to make 3d glasses. The controller was pretty innovative being that it was made to be switchable between left and right handed. Not a horrible idea in all, but it came with one HUGE flaw. Red graphics!

This thing only had 2 colors in its display, red and black. Games like Mario Tennis on this machine gave the impression that our favorite Italian plumber was playing tennis in Hell. Red Mario hitting the red ball to Red Yoshi, under a black sky. That is tennis in Hell, not the usual bright happy place Mario dwells and roams. I could mention other games but honestly this was all I had played. I remember displays of this thing set up at Blockbusters. I was so young at the time and even then I was soooo not impressed. I played about 2 minutes of Mario Tennis before my eyes began to hurt a little. This machine had a manual that was loaded with warnings telling kids to not play this thing for more that an hour and take breaks to rest your eyes. Hmm I wonder just HOW they found out that this thing was dangerous to eyes?

Maybe it was timing, maybe it was lack of software, maybe it was the red screen, or fuck perhaps the fact that after an hour your got a headache while using this thing, truthfully this thing has all this to blame for its failure. The price didn't help either: $169.00. A Game Boy with its green and white screen didn't cost more that $40 at this point in time, and at least that thing didn't cause eye damage unless you played the fucking thing in the dark. Few games were made for this machine. None of them really took advantage of the 'virtual' concept of putting you IN the game, most of the games just showed you a Viewmaster effect, but in motion. In less than a year Nintendo stopped pushing this device and began focusing a little more on the N64. Smart move.

Gunpei was fired after this, which is really a sad loss. The Game Boy he invented was THE system that made the industry rethink of the handheld market as something to take seriously. In 1997 he was killed in a car accident after losing his job at Nintendo.

Was it fate? If it is then that makes the Virtual Boy responsible for murder. The Jaguar sucked, but the worst of that fallout was that a few designers and programmers might have had to go look for another job. Nintendo now has hand helds that rock and all of them are made to the standard that Gunpei had always wanted, for example he had origionally said 'no' to a color version of the Game Boy until technology was made to make the battery life longer. This is one the reasons color game units like the Sega Game Gear didn't hold a great fight against the 'green giant' Game Boy. Gunpei is rumored to have said that the VB wasn't to his liking when it was released and was rushed out too early, and he was absolutely right. A year after his death the Game Boy color came out and the rest is history.

I make trips to antique shops and Goodwills alot. I'm looking for things like this. I don't know why but I love a loser. I can't really explain it. Oh well.

Diamons and Dogshit Report 2 - A Diamond- Earthworm Jim

No cows were actaully hurt while making Earthworm Jim

For God's sake keep Pete safe! (Pete is that purple dog)
1994's Extreme Sports Event: Jim versus Major Mucus
Art that is silly and at the same time, serious.

No super-space-cyber-suit would be complete without undies!

Earthworm Jim

Shiny/Playmates/Virgin

1994

Somewhere between madness and genius there is a thing called 'brilliance'.

Earthworm Jim was madness, brilliance, genius and art all thrown into one package, and it came in the form of a run-and-shoot platformer in 1994. EJ was a grossly funny cartoon brought to life in a video game and its purpose was to take all the things that made up video gaming culture and subvert them as part of a parody. Along with its unique acerbic attitude toward games in those days, it also put a new character in the rankings of gaming, right next to Mario and Sonic. This game made you laugh and challenged you at the same time (lets put a strong emphasis on the word 'challenge').

The story to EJ was as odd as it was ludicrous, and that might have been done on purpose. The main character that you play as is the result of an accident, according to the games story. The games story (in short) tells us that a 'Ultra-high-tech-indestructible-super-space-cyber-suit' falls from space onto earth, and landed onto an earthworm. This earthworm ends up crawling inside of the suit and mutating from an ordinary crow-fearing, dirt-eating worm into a super intelligent heroic super earthworm named Jim. Now this story wouldn't be complete without a villain and it has one named Psy-crow, who is a funky looking (duh) crow that wears a suit similar to Jim's and he wants Jim's suit instead (I guess Jim's suit really rocks). What Psy-Crow also wants is to kidnap Princess Whats-her-name (that's the characters name, I'm not making that shit up). But Whatever, few of us actually cared about the story, we cared about the game.

What made the game so fun was the 'look'. The world in EJ was weird and cartoon-inspired from top to bottom, in fact that's what I digged about this game the most. I was and I am still an art nut and EJ always impresses me. The game was designed by a cartoon vet Doug TenNapel. The art and design of EJ looks like it takes creative points from Ren and Stimpy and the muscled character designs of Simon Bisley. Jim has his earthworm body sticking out of the collar hole of the muscular upper torso'ed yet skinny legged suit, It looks absolutely ridiculous, but its supposed to look silly, its a cartoon. Jim has the ability to pull out his head and 'whip' at things like enemies and hooks conveniently placed in level for which Jim could use to swing himself around. This game of course isn't complete without Jim being armed with a gun. His gun shoots what looks and sounds like regular bullets but it looks like a 50's inspired ray gun with an antenna tip, but as odd as it looks, its a lot better than Jim using his head as a whip. Princess-whats-her-name has a Betty Boop in a full-bodied 'bubble bee suit' look. Its very hard to describe and honestly I feel stupid even trying to right now, because if you are reading this right now there's a good chance you played this game and you remember all this, but its always fun to look back (that is the point of this blog).

These characters animated better than anything else in those days thanks to EJ being published and made on a very beefy 24 meg cart which was rarely heard of in platformers or any game for that matter. The gaming world called this motion technology 'Animotion' but I'm sure that was just fancy talk for 'We worked on this game harder than any other have before us'. The work showed and after awhile during playing, you just forgot it was a game and began to control a VERY fun cartoon. More impressive was also what was going on BEHIND and AROUND Jim.

The world of Earthworm Jim was a diverse place, each level looking and playing different and unique from the other. The first level called 'New Junk City' takes place in a cartoon version of a junk yard, with crows flying around and pecking at you and guard dogs nipping at your heels. Another level called 'Down The Tubes' takes place underwater inside tubing that looks like a hamster tube maze and get this; you also get to ride a hamster at one point! No two levels look the same at all and that was a surprise back in those days, usually we'd see the same brick walls and the same trees over and over (*cough* Mario! *cough*) but not here. Another plus was that you were never moving JUST left to right, EJ had you moving zig-zag style from one area to another, up, down, all around and even forward away from the screen into space like on the 'Andy Asteroids' levels.

This was also part of the challenge, no longer could you just run and jump. You had to think, be creative and figure out things. This was more of a challenge for players because NOW they had to really look at the levels and see for themselves just WHY we couldn't get that green diamond in 'What The Heck' to levitate Jim from point A to point B. Gaming magazines must have been in good business in 1994 because plenty of us were thumbing through EGM's and Gamepro's trying to get tips on how to help Jim save the universe. Strategy guides could never help us perfectly time and help us swing Jim around from hook to hook on certain levels and gamers had to find a pattern to go by and never, ever stay from it. It was a challenge but never so frustrating that we had to fling our controllers into a wall because we died 100 times a level.

A game that is designed by a cartoonist deserves and requires cartoon-ish sound. If you thought Hanna Barbara had some sound effects that were unique then your still right, cause EJ had a sound effects cache that was familiar and nostalgic, even in those days. Jim's voice samples (done by creator TenNapel) sounded like he had a funny southern twang, but was a hillbilly that was trying too hard to be cool. Whenever Jim said "Groovy" I giggled, it was funny. Hit a speed orb in Andy Astroids and you'll hear Jim scream "Whoa NELLY!",- goofy as Hell. The music ranged from serious rock sounds, to backwood-sy banjo shit and the 'What The Heck' level had elevator music that was interrupted by rampant screams of unseen victims being held prisoner in the land of 'Heck',- totally goofy. The sounds of EJ was a layer of video gaming art that before then was sometimes overlooked or just took a back seat to the games visuals. This was 94' so we'd better hear something better than 'Doinks' and 'Pings' like in Mario.

The result was good. The game was fun and great sales of the title followed. A lot less was sacred in a game now. You could now use a video game as a good medium for comedy. This was really the first successful 'comedy game' and this game had a blast making fun of other games that were in the same vein. It was a gross out game as well, seeing that one of the enemies of EJ was a anthropomorphic ball of snot named Major Mucus, but it was all in good fun,... what kid doesn't pick his nose?

Was anything wrong with EJ? Yes, it got famous. Jim spawned merchandising that was ranked next to Mortal Kombat and Mario. Everything from action figures to a Saturday morning cartoon came out from the success of Earthworm Jim. The inevitable yet predictable sequel was good, but lighting didn't strike twice and honestly I didn't like it as much. Other games have been made but the fact that I can't remember any of them is a bad sign (I even know all the names of the Full House line-up). The only cool EJ plug I liked was his cameo appearance in Clayfighter 63 and a 3/4 (to bad that game sucked). But the original EJ was a gem and it came at a time when most of us thought that platformers were on the way out. Earthworm Jim revived a genre that was getting its ass kicked by the 'Fighting games' that ruled in the 90's and showed that an old dog like the 'platformer' could be taught new tricks.

Years later, TenNapel moved on after EJ to do the game 'The Neverhood' that had a sequel to it called 'Skullmonkeys'. Skullmonkeys was a stop-motion, clay-mated platformer on the PS1 that really felt like Earthworm Jim, even though it looked NOTHING like it. I was so sure that it was made by the same creator even at that time, so its good to know that I was right about that when I did my research JUST before writing this article. I also think I should add that because of that revelation I now see that art is easy to find and easy to recognize. Video games really don't get a lot of credit for artistic achievement even today and its not fair.

But that's a different subject for a different time.