Guitar Hero saves rock (and the rest of us from crappy games)

Before Revolution X this is what bally-midway tried to cook up for quick buck. I doubt that it caused a line at any arcades.

Its been awhile folks, I’m not sure if I have 'fans' of my blog or not, but hell, I’m sorry to those that read my ranting on a regular basis. If I was perhaps paid to do this (which I would love) I would write all the time and actually keep a schedule and theme to everything that I compose. However the idea of my hobby becoming my work isn't very appealing, so that’s why I keep this so moderate. I don't want the thing that I love becoming my JOB.

Job= deadlines, payroll, taxes, Mondays.

I love gardening and landscaping, and many people I know and my family tell me "Gee Bob, why don't you do that for a living?" to which I respond "Why don't you just pull my fingernails out with a pair of pliers!" Point being, work is work, hobby is hobby. If business and pleasure were meant to go hand in hand, I would have nailed the hot fat chick I work with long ago (thus ruining my job).

Most of my delay came from the fact that I simply had NOTHING amazing or new to write about. I've covered fighting games, both good and bad, the legacy of some of my favorites like Doom and Metroid. What do I write now? another damn top ten-ner? Well yes- that did cross my mind, to which I wanted to write about the top ten WORST video games that are based on a genre that has NO game material in it: Music.
Now before you choke on your microwave burrito in objection as you read that let me point you to a fact. Music speaks directly to the ear first (then it speaks to all the other places like your mind, heart, body, soul, and all that bullshit). Every movie based on a musical act- unless its a recorded live concert in front of an audience or in an exotic location- usually sucks. Pink Floyd made an effort to promote and push The Wall album by not only recording the album, but also making a small film (that few are aware exists) and an elaborate stage show (that was a but too much, especially for what is in my opinion- a weak album by the Floyd). Simply put, there is very little need for visuals in music, even if there is drugs involved.
So why with the minimal or at least RARE success of the Rock Opera would musical acts want to cross over into the gaming world?

Don't get me wrong folks, some bands that I love would make kick ass video games. Slipknot would be the fighting game I’ve always dreamed of playing. Throw in GWAR and KISS and you've got a fighting game that would sell millions even if the actual game turned out to suck. Marlin Manson's twisted mind could be a great drawing board for a horror Goth game. Ted Nugent in a hunting game, where he can kill deer, oxen, and those harmless liberals that (somehow) piss him off. I don't even like rap, and I know that the life of Tupac would be a blockbuster spin-off of the GTA series, hell it apparently works for 50 Cent. But Leave it to the industry to not only NEVER think of these kind of ideas, but also to NEVER read this article to get them.

These days all those titles would have to be done in a way that I don't prefer games to done,: full 3d graphics, HD quality sound, all the bells, whistles and bullshit that remind us that they simply DON'T make them like they used to. If any game company was savvy enough to make a Slipknot VS Gwar VS KISS VS Mudvayne with 2d digitized graphics and I will almost completely lose my lust and wish for a fighting game that pits strippers against porn stars. I said almost.
Guitar Hero one of the games out there right now that I hate the most. As a guy that owns a REAL guitar and used to practice religiously- it pisses me off to see that rock and roll fantasies now come true in the virtual world. In my day, playing air or fake guitar meant you needed to quit drinking or for gods sake get laid. I'm jealous, ok! There... I said it. Its bad enough modern console controllers have more keys than a fucking telephone, now there are these new fangled controllers as well (I’m looking at you Nintendo Wii). Perhaps I'm an aged gamer, unable to adjust. That’s my prerogative.

In this new world of cooperate controlled video games made by, for and sold in in Wal-mart to a Wal-mart crowd for $59.99- a new game has come out that isn't a horrible idea, but its proved to me that not only have video games lost its underground appeal that kept us nerds happy but it also manages to sully the dangerous and rebellious image of rock as well: Guitar Hero: Aerosmith.

I’m not a fan of Steve Tyler and the gang but I cannot deny that the flamboyant, screechy, blues-injected and danceable sound of Aerosmith is catchy as it is cool. For the most part, their music hasn't aged at all. Song after song, innuendo after innuendo, and after what must seem like decades they just keep going and going (tell me the song Big Ten Inch doesn‘t make you laugh). Steve Tyler attacks the mic with his voice, and still moves enough to where on stage he looks like a mess of flailing scarves that dress his mic stand. Impressive, we see Mick Jagger move around on stage but not as good as he did during the 'Satisfaction' era (in fact his on stage persona reflects a man who has to make sure his hip replacement doesn't slip) and as for the price of darkness Ozzy Osborne- he might still be able to sing, but he can't fucking talk (or do much of anything else like take out the trash, or properly raise kids).Great music, and Guitar Hero: Aerosmith is a great way to not only preserve a great American rock act, but also help introduce it to a younger crowd.

But there was a time that this 'simulated' rock world of gaming didn't exist. Dance Dance Revolution was years away- let alone the idea of 'Rhythm Games'- hell, the only rhythm game made then was Simon. If a band wanted to be in a game they had to throw a dart on a board and whatever genre they landed on they placed the members of the band in THAT. As a result, we found ourselves seeing games that had little to do with making or hearing music, instead we just saw guitarists, singers and drummers off on adventures that no rocker would ever venture into doing. We might have dodged a bullet but there is no doubt that KISS would have become a lousy, unplayable platformer. Think of it, we may have also been subjected to seeing Public Enemy in a light gun game (that’s a true story too).

Aerosmith had their first shot in a light gun game called Revolution X. Midway made the arcade game that featured digitized graphics of the band in various cameos in the games story and as you play, you rescue the members of the band. The plot to this game has nothing to do with music other than explaining vaguely to you "Music is the revolution". You- on the other hand have to fight the war for them while the rest of the world is being taken over by a fascist government hell-bent on banning Rock Music and tattoos. Their soldier of choice? a man in a black and bright yellow suit wearing a gas mask... cloned about 1 million times. This starts out ok, but it doesn't take long to get old, its like an airline flight that won't land. You don't want to be on a plane longer than 5 hours, much as you won't want to shoot wave after wave of badly designed and emotionless soldiers for longer than 10 minutes. The ring leader to this army of Nazi rejects is a raven haired, busty leather dominatrix that kind of seems to be the inspiration of Ann Coulter: evil, fascist, and almost fuck-able if she wasn't such a cunt.

Your weapon is even more laughable, a machine gun that shoots CDs. Not just ANY CDs, but explosive CDs that blow a hole into a man, however no matter how or where you hit your enemies, they just fall to the ground and die. It would have been nice to see some limbs fly, but even Midway- the most edgy company of that time- didn't take that risk. I get lots of AOL sample CDs in the mail and I got to tell you, using them as a Frisbee and watching them shatter against the side of a barn is a recipe for fun, but this game totally destroys it for me. Now whenever I see the reflective confetti of AOL's complete waste of time, I think of this game.

This idea might sound better than say, Shaq-fu. But in those days Shaquille O’Neil was the SHIT. Aerosmith, on the other hand was not in popular demand like Shaq. So games like Michael Jordan’s Chaos in the Windy City and Shaq-fu got made in a time that there was SOMEONE out there willing to shell out dough to buy it, but I cannot see a kid at the age of 12-15 thinking ‘Aerosmith in a video game? AWESOME I’m spending my allowance on THAT.” Lets also be reminded, this wasn’t a game about music- it was literally a patched in guest spot for a band that hadn’t been on MTV since the 80’s.

Now, I’m not knocking this game too much, the arcade version is really good. The Arcade version to REV:X is the perfect light gun quarter muncher. However, Sega Genesis and SNES owners didn't get that lucky. The underpowered systems couldn't bring the same experience home, which makes me wonder just why the hell they bothered. The background songs like "Feed the rage" get cut into annoying and repetitive loops. The animation was choppy, causing Steve Tyler and the band to move in two step animation. For god's sake the soldiers barely moved it was like they were on a track. You know those spooky houses they build at the fair that you ride a rickety car through? This game replaces the cardboard cutouts of Dracula and ghosts with paper dolls of armed men lead by a busty leather fetishist.

At the time this game was released its reception was so-so. After all these years however, this game has NOT aged well at all. The even sadder part is that this game wasn't the first licensed musical property to be made into a shitty game, Journey has that honor.
In 1983, Bally/Midway made Journey: the arcade game. Fun fact to this game is that it was the first game to have digitized, photo real sprites, which in those days could only give you a simple black and white image of the band members faces. Steve Perry, along with his band mates, travel the galaxy in that space ship that’s seen on the covers of their albums and go from planet to planet. On each planet you play an mini game that involves them recovering their stolen musical instrument. Not a horrible idea, and if you have MAME definitely check it out- the mini-games are quite fun, even if the idea and plot of the game is total crap. Again the years haven’t been kind to that title either.

As much as I hate the new trend of virtual guitar games, I cannot deny WHY they are popular. If not for Guitar Hero and Rock Band we would have been forced to see musicians try to be Mario and rescue groupies from the clutches of a stuffy high school principle that hates rock. This industry never learns its lesson in making BAD video games so there’s no doubt such crap would have made it too modern consoles and continued to fail. Let us also not forget that GH might have saved rock and roll music and in this day of being spoon fed music through MTV (most all of it crap) so we should be grateful.

Gameboy: The little engine that killed

Last week as I was vacationing at a small campground in Allegan Mi, I stumbled across something as I was cleaning and fixing water damage that had occurred after the winter months and ravaged my mothers cottage. This place was used only 2 weeks a year by me, and whenever I'm there- a new project is waiting. To my chagrin, I helped my mother move her antique (and by antique I mean extremely heavy) 4 post bed into another room and then... I saw it.

My sister Judy's lost Gameboy Advance SP- it had been sitting on a wet carpet since early spring and was under that bed for nearly 2 years. She'd lost it and was never able to find it, and had NO idea that it was there this whole damn time. For the most part she had forgotten about it and was content with her Gameboy DS Lite that was still able to play old GB games.

I flicked the power switch and wouldn't you just know it- IT WORKS. The battery lasted another 3-4 days as well which was amazing as well. I still need to get a charger but after giving my sis 30 dollars I found myself owning my first handheld system since my original Gameboy. I know that I could have gone on Ebay and gotten a GBA SP for like 10 bucks but for an 8 year old, my sister Judy drives a hard bargain.

Do you remember the first Gameboys, folks? The black and green display? The only 6 hour battery life? The bulkyness of the OG model before Nintendo shrunk it into the Gameboy Pocket. I sure do. I also remember rabid dog Sega Game gear fans picking on me because they all had that flashy and expensive color screen system that could gobble six AA's in just a few hours. The Gameboy was my first foray into console gaming and it was a great start. It was just a matter of time before I'd spend all the rest of my Christmas break without sunlight or friends.

The Gameboy is the highest selling console of all time. Its sold over 100 million units as of 2006 (thanks wikipedia). The Gameboy became also the reason for a 30 something yuppie to like video games with the GB's killer app Tetris. Super Mario Land showed us that the Gameboy could give us an NES in a small portable package- all that was wrong with it was its GREEN SCREEN.

A 2.6 inch (diagnally) screen using LCD technology-primitive even for 1989- displayed cartridge-stored games. Even in those days that sort of tech wasn't new nor exciting at all. Other companies invested in this idea and flopped, this due partially to the 83 video game crash. The Epoch Game Pocket Computer tried this idea, being a game console to use a monochromatic display to play games from ROM formats. Does anyone own one of these systems?... I thought so.

The Gameboy might not have been considered a big deal to the average consumer when it first came out, and it might not have been a big deal at Nintendo either. Still Nintendo was looking to expand upon its Game and Watch system- which had been a huge hit at that time. Nintendo was able to see that there still could be a market for portable gaming. All you had to do was make it interchangeable, easy to use, and give it a price that will work.

At $89.99 the Gameboy was released in 1989, and sold like hotcakes that Xmas. I remember seeing many adults owning them and playing them. I'd never seen a grown man playing a video game unless he was smoking pot a the same time. Nintendo had something to hold gamers attention while they were working on the next gen system of that time: the Super Nintendo (or SNES).

Sega even though they were getting some much needed attention for its Genesis console was ready to really compete. In 1990 they rolled out the Game Gear system- a portable version of their Master System console. I myself loved the idea of a color screen, but its asking price was kinda steep. Plus the Gamegear was also horrible with batteries. But even with its cons an 8 bit monster with a color display should have been enough to stop all over the Nintendo's Gameboy sales. It didn't.

Atari's Lynx also tried to one up the jolly green screen giant. The Lynx was pure 16 bits, color screen and built with a legendary company name. I never saw the Lynx as anything more than a unnecessary "rich boy's" toy. I never saw it again, except for in magazines. No one I knew owned one.

But by 1998 after Sega had trashed the Gamegear and Atari was a fart in the wind- the Gameboy finally was resurrected with a Color screen and more RAM. After almost a decade Nintendo dominated in a market filled with more powerful products and came out on top.

The Nintendo DS lite is a 64 bit portable able to display full 3d graphics and is armed with 2 damn screens. Leave it too the big N to never shy from innovation weather we asked for it or not (the Wii remote is a fine example). Thanks Judy

Diamonds and Dogshit Report- Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon

I entered a trachea once, and the bitch never called back.

Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon

Sculptured Software/Heath Hero Network inc. 1993

SNES (but oddly enough never released for the crappier systems)

When a console dies off, it becomes a sort of free for all to see just exactly what was made for it. The Nintendo Gamecube- while largely ignored and died ungracefully and unfairly- is now being sought after due to its low aftermarket price and little-known gems of games that were released for it. Some of these games turn out to be great finds, proving that sometimes hype doesn't always equal success. Games like R-type are a fine example (I'd never heard of them until now, and I'm addicted to all games R-type), we rarely heard about it but when you've played it you wonder just how it got past you.

Then there’s the shit that was better left not made. Games based on sitcoms, movies, board games, TV soaps or any game with porn and nudity in it. You would think that these properties, with all the money invested towards them- that developers would put some extra TLC into them. Nope. ET, Enter the Matrix and even the Tim Allen sitcom "Home Improvement" all flopped once made into pixeled adventures.
Here's a game that isn't based on anything really other than a decent idea, but still was a pile o' shit. You play as Rex Ronan, a doctor doing a new experimental surgery to a patient that is dying of smoking-related symptoms. This patient is a heavy smoker and why? its his job. He worked as a salesman for a huge tobacco company and his career has now backfired and is killing him. Rex Ronan’s only big idea rather than chemo and telling this man to lay off the smokes is to shrink himself to a microscopic size and scrub out all the tar, pre-cancerous cells and even tooth stains. 9 years of medical school and the poor, micronic bastard has to travel into the center of this mans sternum to cure his cancer. Armed with a Ghostbusters-like ray gun, a flying ship, and dressed in full purple spandex, this man is ready to kick some cancerous ass.

The sci fi classic movie Fantastic Voyage comes to mind sure, but this wasn't really based on that. It is its own bad idea. RR:ES is a title as awful as it is obscure, but really the concept and story of the game isn't THAT bad its just poorly executed. This game suffers from bugs, failure controls and graphics that leave a lot to be desired. But I'll have more on that later.

Now as your scrubbing the inner walls of this mans throat and lungs, you'll face an army of nano robots. These bots are programmed to kill you before you complete your mission in saving this mans life and have been planted there by the tobacco company to insure that the patient never blows his whistle on them. You see, there’s another great idea: corporate paranoia. Unfortunately for the tobacco company they only built robots that were made of legos 'cause they die so easily. If they don't fall apart easily then they're cheap as hell and replicated 1,000 times. Bullshit.

This game is plagued (or cancer riddled) with the dullest missions and most lifeless levels. One such in particular is the level where you use your spaceship (or BODY ship-whatever) to travel through this patients bronchial tubes or wind pipe and have to avoid mucus (all in a very unplayable third person perspective). Not just any mucus though, its some kind of acidy mucus that eats away at the metal of your ship and is so solid that you can crash into it. Shooting at the snot balls gives you points and also is an expensive and dangerous alternative to just prescribing this man some cough syrup.

The look of the game is ok, but still could use some accuracy as far as human anatomy is concerned. I know that a humans throat does not have twists and turns and two-way tunnels and I never went to medical school or even college. Lungs in this game look like sewer tunnels lined with a semen-like substance that is supposed to be cancer cells. Robots are all cloned one after another and attack you in large groups making up for the ease of their demise by just all ganging up on you. The bullshittery is topped off by the worst sound samples and music that would make you want to stay inside an elevator to hear MIDI tracks of 'man eater' by Hall and

Oats until you attacked your eardrums with a q-tip and a hammer.

Sculptured Software gave us the Mortal Kombat games on the SNES and they also gave us this. I guess everyone makes mistakes, but how far does the process of making shit like this take before someone was smart enough to stand up in the office and say "Hey guys, this game is a travesty. Maybe we ought to stop here before it gets out of hand." Along with being boring its also an edutainment game that attempts to demonize tobacco, and the tobacco industry long before the meaningless laws were made.

According to the surgeon general and groups of heath-Nazi Californians, a man smoking a cig at the beach 20 feet away from you is attempting to kill you with his filthy habit. I don't smoke but as I played this I really suddenly had a hankering for a pack of camels. I just wanted to light up that loosy and suck that smooth, chemical enhanced flavor and be as fuckin cool as Steve-fuckin-Mcqueen. Ironic huh?

The 90's saw a revolution in the hopes of a smoke free world. First there were smoking sections to keep those smelly breathed, yellow toothed offenders in a small corner of the restaurant or bar. Then they had to go outside. Now we have them standing 25 feet from the building. I guess next they'll just make them smoke in oncoming traffic. What’s that smell? hmm nope its not a Marlboro- its the sweet smell of Prejudice, ladies and gents. I know smoking is bad and expensive but- for fucks sake- why not just have smoking bars and non-smoking bars and let Americans MAKE UP THEIR OWN MIND!? They have gay bars right? I'm not gay so I don't go (unless I just want to get my dance on)

oh wait. I know why- because that would be called *freedom*, something that died about 8 years ago.

Enough of the rants. I just have a problem with educational games and propaganda. This game is both. So it might be good that this game didn't make any tracks and was discovered on a ROM collection CD while I was bored. But think about it- back in the old days of gaming people could buy this sort of thing on a cartridge and spend almost 40 bucks for it.

On a happy note, Fantastic Voyage would be a great game, provided it was medically accurate and more fun than cleaning the walls of a mans lungs. You could have different missions and objectives. Like curing prostate cancer! Who wouldn't want to be play a video game that takes place inside a mans 'gouch'? Wait...never mind.

The show that made the 90's ( no not 'Friends')

People ask me sometimes WHY I write a blog about video games that are old, outdated, rarely played or suck altogether. Truthfully I do it for all the youngsters out there who have no idea just how primitive games used to be. I have 2 sisters that did not grow up in the 80's Nintendo era, so they haven't a clue just how big Mario was, and the blood they've seen in GTA and Doom 3 may have never happened if Mortal Kombat hadn't warped fragile young minds and pissed off bitchy soccer moms everywhere. The 1990's was a great decade for games (not to mention the only decade I really remember, hell in 1985 I was wearing GI:Joe underoos and eating my boogers) and other media as well. The PC was becoming a household tool thanks to Windows 95, the Internet was growing so fast, and people became millionaires in a matter of days with it (and lost those millions in less than a day). But video games were not the only thing that shook the media world, and got jaded middle Americans to get off their fat asses and bitch to the US government to tell others what they can and cannot see. Television and Radio was breaking rules that never really existed in the first place but that didn't stop many pussies from thinking otherwise.

Since this blog is called Video games AND the 90's I figured I'd cover both.

Beavis and Butthead- (1994/SNES/Genesis/Gameboy and Gamegear)

Beavis and Butthead was THE show of the 90's. Its first appearance was a crudely animated short by the shows creator Mike Judge called "Frog Baseball", in which Beavis and Butthead catch a live frog and use it as a baseball, then laugh like two jackasses when its dead. Horrible. But I couldn't stop laughing. This was just the beginning. MTV picked up the show and before you could say "Fartknocker" or "Buttmunch" it was a regular show and on every night. I loved it, each episode was just a day in the life of 2 dumbassed teenagers that just went through life (and laughed like idiots along the way). They lived in a shitty house in a white trash part of town, they worked in a fast food joint and they also lived together it seemed but they were not related, they were just good friends (not gay either- at least I don't think so). The adults in the show weather they were the boss at Burger World or their high school principal and teachers did everything they could to tame these two ass-wads to no success. Who needs education, social acceptance, and a work ethic when you have a TV, a baseball bat, a frog, some firecrakers, and a chainsaw that you just stole from ole' Mr. Anderson next door.

My father and I had a fondness for this jackassery in motion and it became a huge hit when it was made into a real reoccurring show on 5 nights a week. This was a cartoon that was finally made for adults, there was no apologies, and controversy of course came in spades for this show. Kids mimicked the show, burned down houses, and the like, just like their heroes on TV. Why would anyone want to be like the boys from the show? Simple,... because we were kids. Even if the show was made for adults only, fuck that MTV isn't going to snitch to my mom. As a result MTV would be forced to start the show with a disclaimer that told you to get some common sense, and the show was also only showed on late night TV.

The controversy in retrospect is kinda trivial and silly now when one thinks about it. Family Guy, South Park, and the late night run of Cartoon Network has even racier shows and more edgier jokes than Beavis and Butthead ever had. I think the reason behind that is that B&B wasn't about being subversive and crude, it was just good fun. South Park goes out of its way to offend you, all for just the sake of being offensive (IMO that show fucking blows). Family Guy (much better than South Park) is a cavalcade of slapstick and funny inside jokes, but it doesn't seem to have a 'direction'. Aqua Teen is good but... -Jesus fucking hell- forget it, what is that writing staff smoking. B&B was more grounded in reality than any of those shows. We were or at least knew a Beavis or a Butthead. Nothing they did was ever 'too stupid' or 'too surreal'. Even when the boys nearly wreak the town from rolling in a giant truck tire that rolls into traffic and derails a train you can still think 'It could happen, why not?'

MTV was looking to get away from its long established music roots. B&B was MTV's ticket to get away from music videos and focus their attention on lame shows involving groups of hot college students living in an apartment, or shows with people doing things like hitting themselves in the nuts with a hammer. How did the boys affect and subsequently kill the music video market? Simple. They watched those very videos and roasted them to the point where we finally saw the uselessness of the music videos. Like a puppet show the boys watched music vids and said on TV what the rest of the world was thinking.

"This sucks"

and

"What the hell is this crap"

Music videos are a stupid idea really, all of them are the same: There is a story centered around the song, and meanwhile the artist and his or her band are playing in the next room. Maybe there a hot chick coming out of a swimming pool in slow motion or the band is playing while wading in a septic tank, and bam! Theres your video. Sure, MTV still slings music videos around, chewing up young musically inept talents and then spitting them out so they can become bad film stars, but fuck all that. MTV should no longer stand for 'Music Television' anymore. Change the name.

In the early 90's these two boys stirred up hell, only to become a movie that even the snootiest critics had to like. The animated film: Beavis and Butthead Do America was a smash hit, and proved that even the simplest idea could be sustained for 90 minutes. I personally think its a brilliant movie for its time, and is a now rarity. You don't see animation like that anymore, now its all CGI with big name actors just supplying voices. Maybe the next summer blockbuster will center around blades of grass with the grass trying hard to make friends with the autum leaves that just fell on them. With voices by Jerry Seinfeld as a Larry the lawnmower , Edward Norton as Leafy and Chris Rock as the Grass. I'm rolling my eyes now- fuck that idea.

South Park, Family Guy and Robot Chicken- even if they all managed to join forces- can never be as good as B&B. Even the creators of those shows have tipped their hats to them in some way or another. You don't create laughter with just your fowl mouth little shits (I'm looking at you Trey Parker and Matt Stone), you will not become legendary with cut scenes and slapstick (FG creator Seth Macfarlane). Above all, those shows may have just been farts in the wind if not for Mike Judge giving us something sick and twisted to prepare ourselves with.

Mike Judge would later create the very down to earth animated family show King of the Hill. A show that B&B would probably consider "Wussy crap". Its very interesting to see that the creator of the first big subversive cartoon was able to later make something that even my grandmother can enjoy. Could the South Park guys do that? I wouldn't really want them to.

Beavis and Butthead-if real people- would be at least in their mid to late 20's by now (2008). The world has changed. You cannot get through life without a debit card and gas costs you your fucking blood. An airplane is impossible to get on now without being nearly probed anally. Fast food joints now have to tell you just HOW unhealthy their food is, because some stupid fat fuck sued them. People also blow themselves up in public, gun down Amish school children, and get themselves killed from having sex with a horse. I ask, are we REALLY getting more civilized? B&B were a couple of fucked up kids, but they'll never be as uncivilized as the real world.

Oh... shit, I forgot this was supposed to be an article about the Beavis and Butthead Video game made back in 94.

It sucks. I mean really sucks. Yep... total shit of a game. There. I'm done.

My first Genesis Article

Sheena Vs the worst car salesman ever
By the way the last two pics are just level 1
Bosses in this game just rape you as the game moves on.

Contra Hard Corps (1994-Konami) : A Tribute to the hardest fucking game I ever played.

Here it is folks, a Sega Genesis Article where I don't bash, knock, defame, or even negatively criticize Sega. I do however cut into Konami though, so sorry. On my blog I use my first amendment right to victimize games, and its developers. I will be fair and just this time and this page wont end in someone getting depressed or being told that their game SUCKS, because this game actually kicked ass back in the day, the downside was that it was not for newbies or people who think that just because they conquered Halo or Guitar Hero, they can defeat ANY game.

Super Nintendo had the some great titles going for them in 1992, few that I can remember. Contra III: the alien wars , was the only one that really sticks in my head. I loved playing it and after hours and hours of grueling over trying to defeat it, I finally finished the game until the very end (only to find that I needed to select the higher difficulty level in order to see the ending which was total horseshit, 'Normal' is enough). In those times Contra was the original NES's hardest games and Contra III up-ed that ante even more, resulting in a gaming experience that wasn't designed to be beaten, it was designed to beat you. If I could go back in time I would love to have bought stock in Galoob and Codemasters, the makers of the Game Genie cheating prep, because I'm certain they sold units like crazy due to this very game.

Sega owners were-I imagine- very bitter. They didn't get a version of Contra at the same time, so after Komani's office perhaps getting loaded with hate mail from pissed Sega fans, they had a go at making a version of the game that was for the 'edgier' system at that time. Contra Hard Corps released in 1994 to good reception, we loved it... at first.

Fact: This is the hardest game ever made

I believe that opinions generally turn into FACTS after a majority of people agree. CHC has been on the ' top hardest games' of all times near the top more than any other game I've heard about. This game isn't just hard to me, to me its nearly impossible to get through it without a Game Genie which points me to the fact that this title has NO cheat codes built into its programming, so a Game Genie is the only way.

From the constant onslaught of aliens and robots, to the speed at which they move, to unpredictable patterns, to those fucking monsters also having GREAT aim. This game was the only one that could turn a calm man like myself and make me want use my Genesis controller in to a boomerang. I'm terrible at this game anyways but its difficulty makes me so bad that I cannot even finish level 1. Its tough, and apparently I'm not alone in saying this.

Contra games were designed for arcades with the purpose of eating rolls after roll of quarters. These games are not impossible to defeat, as long as you remember from the last time you played, just HOW you died before, but Contra was the game that kept you coming back for more. Maybe you'd make it an inch or two THIS time.

However, CHC was not a bad game. It-in my humble opinion- is one of the top 5 best games that the Genesis had to offer. Its features include selectable characters, multiple paths and endings, and speed that the SNES wasn't able to do with its processor being half the power. The graphics are not as good as Contra III on the SNES. BUT with as long as this game is, one could imagine that the game's look would suffer just a bit. This game doesn't give you as many foot soldier battles like in CIII, instead we get about 5 boss battles per stage. Huge Bosses, some of which take up the whole goddamn screen, and with the faster processor you'll never see their swipe of death coming at you until it hits.

The only way I was able to finish this game was using the Game Genie. It must have taken me an hour to get through it, its a long run, and its loaded with hundreds of unique and creatively designed enemies and a story that is pretty well thought up (for 1994).

One thing that I loved and hated about this game was the final level. You'll think that you've reached your last boss battle, and suddenly NOPE its not over. Then your flying on a rocket ship clinging to the outside of it and shooting at alien filth that pokes its tentacles out of the panels and NOPE still more to kill. Then you'll be at the tip of the climbing and flying rocket and be forced to kill another giant boss that has about 5 different attack patterns as you try to fire away at its red 'weak spot'. Action movies don't mount the dangerous tension this high.

When its all over the games ending is really quite small. You know why? Because you weren't really supposed to beat this game. It was a different time, a time when you had to commit to winning. No saves, no cheats, and no mercy. Further proving the fact that they don't make them like they used to.

Difference between improvement and revolution (the Street Fighter story)

(sorry for writing an article that ends in depression-haha)

In 1987, video games had made a successful comeback. Nintendo had helped the industry recover from the crippling 1983 video game crash and arcades made a healthy profit. Arcades were delivering the games that were not always availiable to home consoles and if they were, the games were extremely limited. A prime example is a game called Strider, a platformer in arcades that was so poorly handled on the NES that people assumed that it really WASN'T the same Strider.

Arcades had some great games, but the NES was making things easier; no trip to play games- just plug and play. The downside to that was nearly EVERY game on the original NES was about the same. Beat Em Up's were huge and this was mainly due to the popular Double Dragon series. From that point on games were all about walking left to right and punching and kicking ANYTHING that walked in your direction. WHY? because those fucks kidnapped your girlfriend. Again.

This formula was wearing thin around 85. The same man attacking you over and over really starts to suck at about Level six and most of these games didn't even have good endings that made you feel good about your accomplishment. It would have been nice to see after awhile a cool cartoon porno scene come up after you've saved your frail waif again from the clutches of the evil crime boss-ninja-robot assassin- whatever. But again, it was all about the adventure getting to the end, and if the roll of quarters you brought to the arcade didn't get you there, then the Game Genie cartridge strap-on could.

Fuck that. It was old news. Then something happened. A little company called Capcom took the beat em up concept and made something of it that didn't require the monotony of fighting the same man twice. Head to head action, colorful characters and special moves. The even stranger part is that no one saw it coming and most of it hadn't been done in such a grand scale before.

Anything would have been better than its main competitor. The only other fighting game at the time that was Head to head style was the 2600's Atari game simply titled 'Karate'. This game blows beyond anything else. The classic mess ET: the extra terrestrial is 6 feet under the ground in New Mexico and this game is probably still floating around in pawn shops and antique stores, is there no justice in the world? If you want to see just how awful things can get on the 2600 then click here. Your Lego collection could look better at fighting than this.

But with this piece of shit giving reason for you to attack an Atari cart with a hammer, Street Fighter premiered in that same time and blew minds. When your partner games in the Arcade is ANOTHER Double Dragon clone and a 4 color Atari pong game with stick men, then success presents itself naked at your bedside.

For those of you that don't remember or have never played, Street Fighter 1 was amazingly small compared to its latter game Street Fighter II. In the first installment, you only got to pick 1 man, Ryu (Yes, THAT Ryu). You would have light-medium-and fierce punches and kicks to mix it up. You got 3 special moves which we all saw in SFII: the hurricane kick, the fireball, and the Shroyuken punch. Despite all these limits, it was still the best thing out there, and was only available at arcades and on the Turbo Graphix console (that few of us owned). It doubtful that the NES would have been able to pull this game off, seeing that it was so detailed and had real (but crappy) digitized voiced dialogue [to be honest the only phrase you could hear being spoken was after you won a match when your opponent said "What strength! But remember there are many guys like you all over the world." ].

The reception wasn't all that big for the first Street Fighter but it was enough to prompt a sequel. The rest-as they say- is history, but the jump from 1 to II was big. There was 8 fighters instead of just 1. The story was different for each character you picked. SFII may have been just a way of classically reviving a dead franchise because in video games 6 years is a LONG wait for a sequel. 6 years gave us a lot of time to get better home systems made which is why the SNES version might be the best arcade translation ever for that time.

The Genesis released the Champion Edition of SFII but with only 3 buttons on the controller for a 6 button game WHY FUCKIN' BOTHER. Nintendo and the SF games gave the industry a clue when it came to designing a game controller: you needed at least 6 buttons. These games are very reason Sega had to make the Model 3 Genesis (with a new 6 button controller).

The list of later Street Fighter games is long enough for me to not want to name them all on this page- if you want that list, go to wikipedia. It seemed to take a long time for this series to make a Street Fighter 3, and when it finally did the reception was lukewarm and bittersweet. We even got to see the series get a 3d face lift with the Street Fighter EX games, giving the snail paced Virtua Fighter a run for its money.

As of writing this, Street Fighter 4 is on its way to the latest generation systems like the Xbox 360, PS3 and the Wii. I, however don't own any of these systems and really am not holding my breath on this newest chapter.

Am I too old? No. Am I pissed that it took over a decade for Capcom to count to 4? No. My real reason for not caring about SF4 is that I'm one of a few that remember the series true roots and the real secret to all its charm. Whatever 3d multi-polygon- cinematic shit comes of this new game will just depress me even more.

Sometimes change isn't always good.

Land before 'Prime' (aka: my 'Fuck Halo' article)

[Whilst I was prancing around at a Wal-mart, I noticed the racks I call the 'Covet wall'. The video game racks, this section of the store gets me a lot of shady looks, mostly because I get caught humping the PS3 case. I won't lie, I want that thing. Behind these racks of all I lust, I see it. HALO. ]

Fuck Halo!

Sorry x-box fans- it just has to be said.

During the holidays I was keeping my researching eye on the 3 latest and greatest consoles on the market: The Wii, PS3, and the Xbox 360. All of these systems are fantastic and each of them have that ONE great feature that separates one from the other, weather its a new fangled way to control games or graphics so good you can count the strands of the characters ass hair.It was amazing the Nintendo won some ground with its underpowered, yet innovatively functional Wii (last year which was the consoles launch they couldn't even give those things away).

There are some 'killer apps' that have debuted in games. Guitar Hero, where you use a fucked up controller to play 'imaginary riffs' of legendary songs. Rock Band- a game just like GH but way more complicated and covers all the instruments along with a guitar. These games are fine in my book but it kinda pisses me off that 'party games' seem to dominate right now as of writing this article (1-12-08). While games with stories and real epic scale seem to be out of ideas or taking from other greater ideas from the past (IE. Bionic Commando is getting a xBox 360 face lift).

In this pile of games that are either sequels, remakes or crap is a game that is so derivative and dull that it amazes me that people spend hours playing it. Ha-fucking-lo. I understand the greatness of its multiplayer functions, and I guess i just don't have that gene in me that digs being called slurs over and over and being fragged repeatedly by people who spend their lives playing this shit.

These people that play this game hours on end are a sad lot. Most of them unemployed and overweight. I'm sure many of them don't have girlfriends and if they do, they are most certainly embarrassed to be with that couch tumor that's playing Halo. There is a line fanboys must draw in order to keep things sane. There's 1.)a big fan, then there's 2.)pathetically obsessed, then 3.) useless to society. Number 1 is someone that plays a game moderately and has beaten the game a few times and at the most knows a few tricks and secrets. Number 2 is someone that knows all the tricks, but still has to enter a cheat code, look at an FAQ but hell if you want that 'Special ending' your going to have to make an effort even if your up till 3am and have to call in sick at work and sacrifice a night of sex. If your number 3, then fuck you. Number 3 people have no job, don't need sleep, and can't have sex because a giant roll of fat covers their genitalia. That fan is death matching against everyone via broadband, and doing it all from his mothers basement.

I love FPS's and its single player story is very well done, but this games level design leaves something to be desired. That something is VARIETY.

Before I go further I should point out whom you play as in Halo. The Master Chief. A bio engineered man in a battle suit from the future. The United Nations has awoken you from cryo-stasis while your spaceship is under attack. This idea isn't all that new nor original, in fact its Demolition Man meets Universal Soldier meets Aliens. What are you fighting against? The covenant, an alien race hell bent on destroying man because...

because... Shit they don't really mention that. Well at least not in the games campaign mode. Anyways the covenant are a diverse group with a few different ranks from tall foot soldiers called Elites to pint-sized pawns called Grunts that remind you of Ewoks from Star Wars. The one thing I found cool about this game is that Grunts are really pussies and run away screaming as you run behind them with barrels blazing.

The rest of Halo,-at least the first game-is dominated with repetitive levels that love to tease and force you to walk back through them 3 times or more. For a game that only came on 1 cd, it took me forever to finish it. The ending wasn't worth my time, either. Its a good game but not life consumingly good.

Many who grew up in the 80's and 90's remember a great series Nintendo came up with in the heyday of the NES. Metriod! This was a side scroller with a protagonist with a special suit and what was better is that inside that suit was a hot chick name Samus. Master Chief needed to go hunting and find weapons, while Samus was already armed. Samus had an arm cannon with unlimited regular ammo and could fire a variety of special rockets. The NES version of Metroid was interesting because Samus's suit was usually tight pants and a pair of 'fuck me' knee high moon boots. The Snes version she was more covered and in a suit that allowed her to morph into balls, and dash through whatever got into her way. For the time these were all amazing ideas and it was all original.

Samus is a bounty hunter, a free spirit, a lone wolf. She has her own damn spaceship. Her own weapons. Her mission is to recover a Metroid organism and bring it back to scientists for it to be analyzed. Metriods however are highly desirable and every slimy fuck in the galaxy wants to reproduce them and perhaps make them into a weapon. Its 1 woman against the universe and the only thing guarding her is her special suit.

Master Chief on the other hand is a total flunky. He is part of the United Nations armed forces and is forced to do what he's told. Aside from a protective suit he doesn't get much else, except for Cortana, an artificial intelligence program in the form of a woman that lives inside his helmet. Cortana is a nagging bitch, constantly telling Master Chief everything she thinks he needs to know. Sucks to be a puppet on a string for someone that isn't even real.

Super Metriod rocks. I loved this game during the SNES days. In fact everyone loved it, and it is long considered the best the SNES had to offer. The levels look lush and dark and surreal, the sound is organic and yet still very much other-worldly futuristic. The gameplay is very easy to follow, but at the same time there's a lot of times you have to 'figure it out for yourself'. Your first time playing this you will take hours trying to finish it. Over 3 hours in fact. Enemies are all very detailed and not all of them really attack you, most of them are just creatures on the planet of Zebus that are just minding their own business, while others just simply don't want you fucking around them at all. Dead enemies will leave power-ups and health assuring you that you should NEVER run low on anything unless your careless and fire rockets at anything that looks funny.

What sells SM to me the most is the music and sound. Its a great soundtrack- dark, mysterious. It actually reminds me of Jerry Goldsmith's Alien film score. Most of the levels have a Jaws-like pulse that massages the ear, telling you that your not in kansas anymore. Its beginning cinematic is creepy, just showing you a lab setting with the Metroid organism floating in a jar, the camera panning across it, and your ears catch the squeals of its screams. Whatever the Metroid is, its probably dangerous even if it does look kind of like a cute jellyfish. It might be cute, but jellyfish still sting.

Halo does use the concept of moving through the same level twice, SM has this as well, but its better used. The only reason your going through an area again on SM is because your suit has a new ability and you'll need to use that to attain a higher power-up or to advance to another level. Halo's use of this is scripted, unavoidable and really just comes off as a lazy way to lengthen the game. Jumping puzzles is a platform staple that always pisses me off. I never cared for Super Mario World's use of always moving platforms and the way Mario moved as if there was a layer of margarine on the floor. Metriod has jumping puzzles but they are easier to navigate due to Samus not having grease on the bottom of her boots. I once saw Samus fall 50 feet down a tunnel and landed just fine. On the other hand, Halo never is about making any fantastic leaps and very rarely will it matter how you time your moves. In fact, Halo doesn't even need a jump button, unless your avoiding a landmine or playing a deathmatch game and you want to really piss off someone by bouncing around like a bunny on meth. SM gave us a challenge but it was one that was satisfying to complete.

and finally...

Halo: Combat Evolved had 2 endings, if you beat the game on a regular difficulty, you got a regular ending. On the highly difficult Legendary setting you got a better ending. Since I don't have the fucking patience to barrel through the Legendary setting, I'll probably won't see the latter ending except for on Youtube. Super Metroid had 2 endings as well. If you defeated the but it took you over 3 hours you got to see Samus with the visor on her helmet off, revealing her face. If you defeated this monster sized game in UNDER 3 hours, you got to see her out of her suit and in her black undies. No shit. look it up here. For game made in these days, partial nudity was the ultimate reward and we never got to see it. I don't know anyone that could beat SM in under 3 hours. Halo's legendary ending cannot top Samus in a black swimsuit. Not in a million years.

Even with the great sound, playability, graphics and even a chance at T and A, Metroid didn't get another chance to shine until the GameCube released Metroid prime, which Halo stomped all over. Sad. The Game Cube had the best looking games and Microsoft still put a mudhole in its ass, and with what 'killer app'?

Fuck it, I'm not even going to say (or type) its name again.

Point is, if you love to collect SNES shit and you haven't had a chance at playing Super Metroid, your missing out on one of the best games the SNES ever made.