1990's Fighting Game's Hardest Bosses

I'm a calm man (I think so and my friends would agree to as long as I lay off the booze) and I rarely lose my cool especially when it comes to something as simple as a video game. Its a real pain in the ass however to face a challenge so grueling, unforgiving and unfair that the controller to my SNES or my Genesis leaves a dent in my drywall. Everyone has- at one point- turned thier controller into a projectile so don't start laughing as you read, thats the main reason that 3rd party companies make replacement controllers for game systems. They certainly don't build controllers like they did the origional NES ones back in the 80's and I'm sure that they have the 'rage prone' gamer in mind for designing new ones: one hit against a wall or floor and boom!, plastic everywhere.

Fighting games of the 1990's didn't give us our victories very easily, and more times than many we all suffered the wrath of bosses so horribly hard that we would turn to our Game Genie's and cheat codes JUST to say 'I did it'. I choose to not grant myself a victory so cheaply until i had finished the game myself, and I when that was done, i'd dabble in that crap later. Gaming is supposed to be a challenge and in arcades the games were even harder because that roll of quarters that burned a hole in your pocket wasn't going to spend itself, now was it? Hell that girl in high school never believed it was your penis anyways.

Bosses in games are just like bosses at work, they cripple your spirit and successfully remind you that you CANNOT press a button fast enough and/or at the right time. No one ever really remembers an easy one like KI2's Gargos, or Mk2's Shao Kahn. Its those cheap, AI controlled, and borderline psychic oppenents that drove us normally calm gamers to the 'cheat' sections of the gaming magazines.

Let's take a look at some of the toughest (I think anyways):

Kintaro (MK2): According to the story of Mortal Kombat 2, Goro lost the first Mortal Kombat tournament and it might have something to do with the fact that he was weak and didn't block much. I beat Goro after 1 try just by doing jump kicks, (cakewalk!). But Kintaro, Goro's brother is way meaner and way pissed off. He blocks almost every thing that heads his way and doesn't give you a lot of oppurtunity to strike for free. I could only beat this four arm goliath with Kitana because he did fall for the 'fan lift' attack a lot, but he didn't fall for much else. To make matters worse, his stomp attack was hard enough to kill half the life bar, and every hit that he landed on you threw your character across the screen. Kintaro wasn't a fair fight, but he was possible to defeat and when you did, you already felt like you had beaten the whole game even though Shao Kahn was waiting for you next.

M.Bison (SF 2,3, Alpha and god only knows how many others): A flying, stomping, and scissor kicking threat to your sanity. The trick of beating Bison was just to 'get lucky' and hold back to make sure you block whatever he decides to hit you with next. There was no telling what he'd do either. One second he jumps and stomps your head than he follows it the next second a flaming hand slap of some kind. Then just when you think you got him and you channeling that final blow fireball, he flies at you with an electrically-charged arm out and blows past your projectile and fries you into defeat. At this point you either set your SNES on fire or you might have to explain to a zit-faced virgin that runs the arcade just WHY you put your fist into the screen of thier Street Fighter 2 cabinet.

Vega (SF2 the only one he was technically an unplayable 'boss' in): You ever had a fly bugging you while you sleep or drive and no matter what, you can't possibly kill it, because the little fucker dodges nearly every swipe of your hand and fly-swatter? Thats SF2's pretty boy fighter, Vega. Nevermind the sexual orientation or androngenus image of this all-too-vain SF2 brawler. What pissed more gamers like me off was the fact this asshole never stood still.

Eyedol (Killer Instinct): I hate this son of a bitch. Eyedol played as fair as Hitler. For starts he delievered punishing combos that killed have your life bar. Oh! But if you were lucky enough at all to have damaged him beforehand, then after the combo that he branded you with he'd end it with a club smash that sent you flying 30 feet in the air, giving him time to stomp his foot and recharge a portion of his health. The same club smash can also be used to slap incomming projectiles back at you with triple the speed, making you feel like a stupid cock for thinking you could 'fireball' you way to victory. Rare and Nintendo owe anyone that defeated Eyedol a hookers' blowjob, because the games endings just seemed too small a reward after trying to kill a boss that cheats.

Motaro and (sort of) Shao kahn (MK3): Forget how stupid he looked, or how much of the damn screen his horse/human body took up. Mortaro was a cheater. EVERY projectile attack bounced off of his body and hit you, so forget about trying to freeze him. A slight punch from this centurian turned you into a human cannon and threw you against the screens edge, and any time he blocked an attack you would be then picked up and pummeled with his fist. Your reward for beating him was having to fight an upgraded verion of Shao Kahn now armed with a 50 lbs sledgehammer that knocked you unconcious, leaving no wonder that MK3 blew so much.

Death (Timekillers): A notorious blocker, a heavy hitter, a speeder and not defeatable unless you stun him and then kill him via 'death move'. All the more reason that Timekillers was so ill-recieved.

[Thats really what comes to mind so far, if you readers have one leave me a comment and i'll try that one out, just keep in mind these are FIGHTING games from the 90's. I want to always keep this blog intersting even it if it is about the past. Thanks.]

Hell Comes to Dad's Office Computer

It's been said that the most vile and contoversial things can become the most popular, and in the world of gaming that fact is clearly seen. Many of of saw our first look at a gory video game with Mortal Kombat, the fighting game that might have just been a lame punch-kick game with digitized graphics if not for all the blood that spalttered with every hit your opponents face. Mortal Kombat would have died out if not for its adult themed violence. The Grand Theft Auto series gives a look at the thug life and gives us to oppurtunity to be as bad assed as we have always wanted to be, but were afriad to do in the real world. Resident Evil pits us a against an entire army of the undead, and puts you through an adventure that makes the heart race, surprising you forcing you to charge every corner with every barrel alblaze. Doom gave us gamers a chance to battle our asses off out of hell, mars and earth-bound hell, and it did this with a concept in gaming that continues today, First Person viewing.

In the early 90's computers had a new buzzword called "Virtual Reality". Origionally the idea wasn't JUST for video games, but eventually it made VR its best selling point. The idea was to put a person into a computer generated world and make them believe they were somehow inside it and affecting it, not just watching it and playing. VR's transition to video games was a natural and obvious one, and why not? Who wouldn't want to BE Mario rather than just watch Mario. The VR craze wasn't a long lived one, that is, if your idea of being inside a video world meant strapping and uncomfortable headset to your face that shined a brightly lit video LCD screen in your eyes. The screen showing you early wireframe polygon graphics that moved at slow framerates and looked just as they looked,... like graphics.

Despite it drawbacks, VR was still ok and convincing. County Fairs and arcades had VR stations where people could get lost in that trippy pixelated world where they could shoot, kill, dance, drive, or even just ride a roller coaster without actaully going anywhere. It was a pop-culture sensation and an easy venue for naughy things as well. One could go to virtual strip clubs and even have virtual sex. Gaming companies pounced on this concept. Nintendo was widely known for the development of its VR device called the "Virtual Boy" and it was a total flop. Nintendo's VB console had red stereostropic grapics with the resolution of its previous system the Game Boy, all you did was look into the oversized viewmaster-esque display and enjoy playing Tennis. The manual for the system advised its users to take breaks during playing to avoid the headaches that followed, few games were made and the system was garage sale fodder after it was canned. Kudos to nintendo for taking the risk. Sega had a much cooler full color VR system in the works, and it never got released (maybe they had other plans like competing against themselves by making another system identical to the Genesis). Bummer.

In the world of computers, VR was becoming popular as well, but the whole headset thing was kinda ignored. Why would you need that? When you look at the screen you lose all periferal vision anyways, and if the world is interesting enough then who cares if it projected from a screen on the desk or two inches from your eyes? The game idea of VR was to put you into the characters eyes and make you the one that controls what that character does.

There was probably a few attempts to make this all come to light, few of which are noticeable. The most notable attempt in first person gaming was a shooter called Wolfenstein 3D. W3D was you controlling a soldier blasting through level after level of a Nazi prison camp. The game was quite fun, you got different weapons and fought against hordes of Nazi foot soldiers, and even got to fight the big bad bosses at the end of each episode. The graphics were ok to the standards of () it showed us a cartoon of violence that we got to see through the eyes of a battle hardened prisoner of the 3rd reich. This game has some gore happy fun to it as well, making it a parents worst nightmare on daddy's home office computer. One company was brave enough to release this title: id Software.

Id software (pronouned 'Eed' not 'eye-dee') had an artist, John Carmack and that artist had a dream to make a fun submervise adventure in 3d worlds. Id software had been successful in creating a 3d graphics engine that was capable of putting you inside rooms and letting you navagate through them, open doors, interact with objects and yes, even shoot shit.

W3d came out in 1992 and was an undergorund sensation and a controverisial hit. The graphics didn't look all that, but the gameplay was and more. The controversy was there from the start, and why? well the violence was a good start, but also the use of nazi symbols made a lot of people uncomfortable. It makes no sence in this day and age, at least not to me the writer(Who wouldn't want to kill nazis? Its not like they don't have it comming). Most of the controvery was just from the blood, gore and the fact that you were running into rooms with guns, and parents just weren't ready or basically refused to excersize the right to put thier foot down and say, "no billy you may not play that game!" This was also before games like Mortal Kombat warped everyones fragile minds.

Id software was on the map in the gaming world and they met with a challenge. Many episodes were made of W3d and it was getting kinda old. How do you follow the funnest and most violent first person shotter without repeating the formula and boring the audience further. Id software bounced ideas about a car racing game with the adult violence theme in mind, but things moved back to the shooter format. They had advanced thier engines graphics capabilities as far as looks but they had decided to pit you the gamer against the grandaddy of all villans, Satan. After all Hitler had to become evil somehow? Why not make the devil your prime target.

Doom was what the name implied. You were fucking doomed from level one. Rooms were dark some had flikering lights, some had these computer panels on the wall, some were stone stuctures with a blocky gothic look, some walls looked as if they were constructed from a sheetrock made of human innards and flesh wallpapering it all like if Ed Gein was an interior designer. Some areas has pools of toxic waste that would damage you if you if you walked on it without a special suit. The environment wasn't scary really but we knew exactly what the game designers were thinking. Hell was now a realistic place, with wooden walls or large pools of blood that drained your health if you were to ever lose your footing and fall. The level design was bigger than in W3d, The game took place in a variety of settings like Mars, Hell, Earth with Hell on it, Mars with hell on it, Earth with Mars on it, Earth, Mars and Hell all put into a blender. I can only remember so much but it was all cool but eventually it all looked alike to me. So much in so little of a package. Each level was about getting to that red panel at the end. To reach that panel your going to have to get VERY fuckin creative or VERY fuckin lucky. The game play was the same thing, again and again, but it was the RIGHT same thing over and over.

Find key #1
To open the door #2
To throw switch #3
To bring up the drawbridge that leads to an exit.
And don't let the throng of zombies and fat monsters with flameball throwers for hands stop you.

Fun as fuck. But that wasn't enough to create a hostile environment, you needed to hear it and sound played a good role. Most of Dooms sound effects were sampled. I still watch movies and hear Doom sounds of opening doors, rockets flying, and demons growling. But the shotgun sound sticks into your head and doesn't let go. I can hear that in my sleep. the chainsaw buzz makes you WANT to tear some demon flesh..

Your enemies were a diverse lot, solidiers, pink demons that bite, brown imps that throw fireballs at you, flaming skulls, skeletons with rocket launchers, really bad ass looking monsters that... well you get the picture, it was big even though all of the characters were just 2d images that were drawn in multiple angles. These enemies gave your trigger finger a workout with an array of different weapons that you could use.

Your weapons were a diverse -and simple to weild- lot as well. You had the shitty pistol, your fist (with a pointy ring on the index finger), a shotgun (in doom 2 you got a double barreled shotgun), a chainsaw (on mars!?), a plasma shooter, a rocket launcher, a chaingun (to make you feel like the terminator) and who could forget the big fucking gun called the BFG 9000. Fire one round of the BFG and watch all your enemies flash out in a green spark. Watch the rocket launcher turn that Pinky demon into mush. The chainsaw was too much fuckin fun and handy when your trigger happy adventure leaves you with no bullets.

Your weapons were your only ally and it was fun not to have to worry about who NOT to shoot at, most games these days just bog you down with crappy AI controlled side soldiers that LOVE standing in front of your barrel. Another great note was that it was almost impossible to screw up, there was no 'secondary fire' that caused you to lob a grenade at a bad moment, all one needed to do was hit the fire button.

If you even still have the CD (or Floppy disk package) give Doom and Doom 2 a whirl. Theres a good chance you might not like it as much as Halo or Halflife. Your surprised at the origionals limitations, its like playing pacman again. Its still beyond fun to enter that cheat code and go beserk but suddenly your brought back to the old days. Your character can't jump. The rooms are long and 1 story, the games engine couldn't have rooms above a room. Enemies are as dumb as dumb, the only thing they have in mind is to run at you with arms flailing. You can't look up, down or all around. Believe it or not THIS was hardcore entertainment in that time and we still had a long way to go.

Your challenges never went beyond JUST STAY ALIVE, it was a survial game, not really startegy. The cyberdemon is a GREAT example of this. You see this skyscraper with metal legs and your first instinct is to shoot it. Good idea, you just better run like hell while you do it, or you'll become rocket fodder in no time. The sound of those stomping feet are still in my head. I would run my character around the entire level looking for that heath pack or ammo crate and meanwhile I can hear him stomping his ass my way, looking from me.

Dying in this game was something horrifying. Your tough as nails character would let out a shreak and your viewpoint would drop to the floor. The screen would go red and the image of your character at the bottom of the screen looked as he had just recently just called Mike Tyson a pussy. Another insult to injury was that the view also turns to what ever son of a bitch shot you down. Thats just teasing you, but at least you learned about that imp that was hiding in the corner you never thought to look.

The point to all this is that Id software was and to this day still is absolutely genius at creating a sence of urgency. You panicked while playing Doom. It was hell and you had a damn fun time fighting through the place. At the end of the game nothing was better than seeing that kill count from the final level of doom 2, when you had to get upon a platform and drive a rocket into the demon's head monted on the wall of that last, big arena. It sounds simple and it would be if only that head on the wall wasn't spitting out floating boxes that transported more demons that would get in your way. Doom had a scoring system as well that displayed at the end of each level, but really did anyone care? Not me.

Multiple versions of the game were made. Doom 2 was bigger and badder. The aformetioned double barrel shotgun was a treat to use. new enemies filled the screen and by the final version of Doom (called Final Doom) the developers went all out to make your life hell, but of course they also new that you the gamer knew the id cheat codes which gave you inviciblity. There was then no harm in making levels filled with every monster times 1000. It was overkill and the most outrageous company with the most successful shooter ever made moved on to other projects.

Though Doom gave people entertainment, it also gave others ideas. Controversy of course erupted in the wake of the columbine shooting, when 2 students with a lot of guns but no brains whatsoever walked into thier school and turned it into a Doom level. They killed (13) students and then eventually themselves. Since the two boys were avid players of Doom, it was obvious that the game was going to have the right wing finger pointing to it and it did. It was a controversy that ultimently was labeled as ludicris to most of the gaming world since millions of other people that had played Doom never hurt anyone. Games like Doom really shouldn't JUST be denied to young children, parents need to also look at thier kids mental state before you let him escape into a world of death and destruction, because you never know if your scatterbrained teen might just lose thier sense of realilty altogether. At the age of 14-17 a kid needs a job more than a video game and internet access.

I played doom religiously and never hurt a soul. Theres proof for you. I know that the gun in my characters hand is just a sprite. I also know that while killing demons is ok, killing people is not, because:

A. Its wrong, and most importantly,

B. Its against the law!

Id software did move on, and suffered through the heat, flack and success of Doom. Nearly every gaming console had a realease of Doom. Even low end ones like the Snes and the Sega genesis (with the 32X attachement) had a version worthy of the name. The greatest success for id even continued when they made another great legendary shooter: Quake. Quake would go on to be the game that not only gave us everything Doom lacked, but also powered other great shooters of the future like Half Life.

Id software returned in 2004 with Doom 3. Again, everyone had to tweak thier gaming rigs to play it just like back in the day with the old Doom. The graphics were dark but good enough to still scare us into a frezny and make us want to play with the lights on. The game was not near perfect. It was long, repetative, way to dark and had some feature problems that made the game seem to not make sence (like the flashlight that could not be used along with a weapon), but really the harshest reviews of Doom 3 were made by people expecting the origonal experience (which will NEVER happen). The first Doom game are on a plane so high that nothing will ever out do it. It was nice to see that the old dogs of ID learned new tricks and showed the other tough kids on the block how a shooter is made. Not even Microsoft and its 'Halo' series can reach the same legendary status as Doom had. [Hmm do I dare challenge the big 'M' with the big 'H' title that is worshipped by biggest ' L's '(losers). Yeah fuck it, why not. This is MY blog dammit.]

The first person shooter is in full swing now, and the Microsoft X box 360 has carried the torch. Halo dominates the scene (though I don't know why seeing how its the most overrated shooter of all time). There is now millions of people around the world who 'frag' each other on a 24/7 time frame. Its nuts! War is no longer fought in the real world and if it is, its flying way over the heads of Halo, Counterstrike and Unreal players all over the world. The harsh words of flaming get thrown around in chat rooms, spoken by gamers who talk as if they're foul mouthed fourth graders on crack. A man in America is fighting in a virtual hell right now against everyone in the world VIA broadband connection, all for the sake of higher points. I'm not saying its wrong, I'm not saying its sad, or even that the industry has forgotten the point of good gaming, I'll just say that I miss the good old days, when all that mattered was getting to that red panel and ending the level. The rest of those 'professional' Halo players can enjoy living in thier sister's basement.

The Quarter Munchies-the Arcade Classics

If you can think of a pic to put into this article than go ahead and let me know, for an entry this somber I'm kind of out of ideas, visually.

At every arcade back in the day, you could see what games are popular and which weren't. What amazes me is the games that were NOT all the popular but still stayed in those arcades.
I'm not referring to the great classics like the NEO GEO games, because SNK had never made a shitty game for arcades. Midway rarely did either (I said RARELY). In fact there were few companies that made shit that didn't deserve a cabinet. But every once in a while a game company would crank out a so-so title that really gets outshinned by the Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter cabinets. Yet, through the haze of popularity and after all the hype over that big-name fighting game is calmed, that shitty game still manages to keep its spot on the arcade floor, even when that popular (yet expensive to play) House Of The Dead machine has been hauled away by the vendors.


When I was kid I used to go to this shitty roller rink in Florida (so shitty I can't remember the name of the place and as far as I know now that place is now probably a strip joint). Thier back room was a little arcade filled with more games then pairs of rental skates that were availiable at the front counter. The room had a door that sealed off all the pounding, repatative, extasy induced crap music, and let the games speak thier language of love and hate. Im not meaning to oversell this, but I loved games as a kid, more than roller blading in circles under colored lights, anyways.

I was too busy with Mortal Kombat 2 and the Killer Instinct games to even notice Timekillers but I had seen it and thought it was kinda mediocre looking on the outside and besides which this son-of-a-bitch punk kid was playing on it, and I hated and still hate playing against strangers. I just wanted to play MK and be part of the cool crowd that refused to try anything else.

I was down to 1 quarter and that after a failed try at scavenging for another out of all the return chutes, I finally gave up and said 'screw it' andf went to the now abandoned Timekillers game. It only need 1 quarter which was nice considering most of the other games needed 2. I played 1 match of this fighting game and I was very impressed but not as blown away as I wanted to be, maybe it was just the fact that it was my last game before I packed it in and headed home. I saw a game though that was way more violent than MK and KI. In the one one match I played that the computer beat my ass on, my fighter, Rancid, lost both limbs and on the second round got his head chopped off. It was sick! I liked it but when your a snot-nosed brat at the age of 14 anything with blood or boobs is fuckin Oscar-worthy.

Years later, I had gone to that same roller rink and noticed that the arcade was now really in the crapper. Almost all the games were gone, including the quarter thives like MK, KI and Street Fighter. I can kinda guess that business went bad there and perhaps all the games were damaged by little dickheads that broke the joysticks or deliberately jammed the buttons in too far. The point is, this was now 1999 and the arcade was being replaced, and by what? The Sony Playstation, the Dreamcast (before it failed) and other home consoles that delievered arcade quality without the long drive to the real arcade. It was an electronic graveyard.

In fact the only new game at this arcade was Dance Dance Revolution, which (in case you've been on an island for the past 9 years) is a stupid assed attemp to combine video games, music and phys-ed class. I like to play a video game cause I'm fuckin lazy! People crowded around this machine like Jesus was on the screen and everyone had leporsy. It was sad. The joystick was replaced with a foot pad, and frankly the crowd that surrounded this thing all looked like a rich kid, hipster group, not the usual skateboarding punks with the pizza complexion and the pizza making job.


I remember seeing an old Mortal Kombat 1 cabinet, just the first game, not the sequels. I foundly remember playing that again and seeing what had started it all. I also remember kicking that games ass, and winning my first arcade game and finishing it completely.

These days, we have home game systems that rock with great 5.1 surround sound, killer graphics, and games that couldn't possibly function in an arcade. Can you imagine Halo in an arcade? Game companies now make millions off of the 50 dollars we spend on the CD's for games at Walmarts and Best Buys, so screw quarters, screw driving to the arcade and screw that fat bastard that emptied the machines at the end of the night or that other fat fuck that delivered games on a two wheeler cart. We got our X boxes and the only bastard behind that is Gates (well sorta).

Its weird. If any arcades are still thriving you'll still find a pac-man machine, a Timekiller machine, and a origional Street Fighter 1 cabinet. Maybe those are still makin some dough for them, by people like me. People that DON'T go to video arcades to have a computer give them dance lessons.

Strange Finds- The MK Game-in-a -controller thingy

[this review was written by myself, however before this blog was made it was originally posted on the Ultimate Console Database website. The owner of that site- "mark" -has small reviews and personal thoughts on nearly EVERY game system ever made since Atari's 2600 machine and even before then. Awesome site so please check it out, I owe a lot of thanks to him for not trashing what could have been just ANOTHER Mortal Kombat review. Thanks, Mark]

At the tender age of 11 (or maybe 12) I was in a bowling alley arcade. As I bounced around from one Street Fighter II game to the next I discovered something that seemed odd. A group of about 5 adults crowded around an arcade game that I couldn't make out because I was so very small and unable to see over them. Adults? In a arcade? What, no beer at home?

At about 10 pm I got my last 2 quarters from my deadbeat father and headed back to the arcade. The crowd was gone and I could see the machine they had been gawking at for the last 4 hours. I didn't really read the name, which was odd now that i think of it, but the screen seemed to be alive to me. Then when I noticed 2 joysticks and on the screen some punching, kicking and fireball throwing, my 50 cents found a home. This encounter would scar my mind. This was Mortal Kombat.

A gong sounded and I picked my fighter, Sonia. I always picked female fighters in video game because most of the time those characters were faster, and fun for an 11 year old to watch jump around on screen. I did my first round and my character was real. Street Fighter was a cartoon that came to life, all in all, good fun but this was far more subversive. I jump kicked my opponent only to get jacked by an uppercut that would spray out the first sight of blood I'd ever seen in a game before. My jaw dropped. The third round I was already hypnotized. The sounds were agonizing, the music was darker than SFII and I had made it winning until I found my character killed by being upper-cutted into the famous 'The Pit' level. The image of Sonia Blade being impaled in a lower level of a level upon spikes sticking out of the ground next to other dead bodies drawn into the background was like watching Faces of Death. I had that dirty feeling, I had lost 2 quarters and saw something so "grown up." I loved it, but this was the kind of game my mother didn't hear about when I got home. Well,... not until its console release on the SNES (best 16-bitter in my opinion by the way). The SNES version was limited but still bad ass fun and I didn't even need the quarters to have it. Unfortunately the SNES release had no blood, or even a code for it like the SEGA Genesis release. The "fatalities" were there but some were modified (no head-exploding fun for Rayden or Head-ripping-with-spine-intact fun for Subzero) which was a downer, but MK II's console release pulled out more stops and gave me what I saved 2 months allowance over.

11 years later, I cruise into a Walmart and check out those videogame in a controller gadgets and find something (in the stack of bullshit Atari rehashes) - Mortal Kombat TV game. The rest of the day I felt like a teenager again. The quality and gameplay can be compared to the SNES versions and this time, NO CENSORSHIP! Blood, Original Fatalities, Special moves, All in a great and small package. The controller itself is cool looking, though uncomfortable for long playing. Don't expect the joypad to be sensitive, expect a red blistery thumb instead (it makes me wonder how that passed the test stage). Also the there is loading times, including for Shang Tsungs morphing from character to character, very annoying, its not a CD so why the hell am I waiting? Goro is there in his four armed glory, the mysterious Reptile, those funny and cool shadows in the moon on "The Pit" level. Its all here and its all still good. Great gift for someone that hasn't owned a system since the PS1.

Midway's name is on the controller, along with Jakks Pacific. It takes 4 AA's and also an included 2032 button cell for its memory (I suppose at Jakks they think we care about keeping our high score initials saved). There's a input on the front of the unit and link cable included for 2 player hookups which is a good move. As I said before, the joypad is heavily textured for grip and after an hour your thumb will be throbbing. Included in the packaging is the manual to the game which features unnecessary character stories and all the finishing moves, I wish they'd done that 11 years ago it would have saved me a lot of flipping through EGM's. A great deal for less than 20 bucks, and better than what the cart cost me 11 years ago.

The Good: A nostalgia classic in a small, cool looking package. Doesn't gobble batteries, and gives you the adult oriented SEGA Genesis blood, with good looking SNES quality looks and playability. FOR JUST 20 FUCKING DOLLARS. Niiiice.

The Bad: Its hard to type right now my thumb is sore. I guess the loading times on a non-CD game(?) give my joypad thumb a chance to rest (sarcasm).

The Ugly: Thank you Jakks for the ability to use a button cell battery for saving my high score, now I can type in SEX and ASS or other 3 letter obscenities and treasure them forever.

I've fallen out of the MK loop. It went to 3D action during the PS1 days and since then I haven't cared for it. Its bad enough Sub Zero has the unrealistic ability to yank your head off and leave the spine in great shape (?). I don't care to see it every time, and every sequel from 100 different angles. Midway has and always will be wringing out the corpse of MK and if a penny seeps from any orifice of it, they'll surely keep it going. I'll stick to the game that started it all, and was the back cover story of the 16 bit golden age that lead to the end of those days, and Midway can sell Mortal Kombat Go Cart Racing (no, that game doesn't exist) to some other 11 year old gaming brat.

Worst Fighting games of the 1990's-Part 4-Third time isn't the charm

Why WHY WHY are Shang Tsung's pants so tight? (Not... that... uhh i was uhh... looking.)

I'm lazy today. Screw it, not every Mortal Kombat game needs a standing ovation, especially this one.

Mortal Kombat 3

Midway/Willaims

1995

Hype does a lot of damage. We all loved and played MK2 until our fingers bled and our brains had turned to mush from trying to execute all the moves. Movies were made and merchandise was cranked out giving us the impression that this was no longer just a video game- it was culture. We had Mortal Kombat in our veins, we injected it, we loved it and craved it. All this hype is the excuse to why the third game was so... not good.

Before you all write to me, telling me that MK3 was a the best of the whole series, let me remind you that this game was- in so many ways- way too hype driven, and not at all an improvement in anyway of the previous game, even though it tried. It was almost like a repeat of a good Seinfeld episode, but with all the great parts taken out, like when Kramer says 'I'm out!' and throws his money on the table after losing a bet over masturbation. MK 2 was a gameplay spectacle that didn't need to be improved or changed. Leave it to Midway though, to keep up with the trends and make a 'combo-based' MK game.

Instead of the easy to execute combos that juggled your opponent around you were now forced to endure and ass kicking that was inescapable, should you find yourself on the receiving end (and against the computer that was quite often the case). Now you had to rapidly smash HK, HK BACK HK, or HP, HP, LP, HK, BACK+HK. If done correctly you could eat away a small chunk of someone elses life bar, if not then your fucked cause the computer is easily able to execute these combos.

HP, HP, LK, HK+BANG YOUR FUCKING HEAD AGAINST THE FUCKING ARCADE CABINET.

Killer Instinct was gaining ground and giving us fast action that the Mortal Kombat games didn't have (which was still ok, my eyes don't need 24-7 exercise from adrenaline junkie games). Mortal Kombat 2 was faster but as far as combos were concerned we had juggle moves that gave us the obligation to remember all these odd patterns. KI was successful and Mortal Kombats' third edition was on the table at Midway, which meant the game now had to compete, not just conquer the moment it hit arcades. Why Midway would compete with a game that THEY themselves also distributed is beyond me.

Along with a combo system that was too hard to keep on top of, there was the addition of bland characters that just... sucked. Stryker was my big gripe (or second actually). This guy was supposed to be a cop that was representing earth in a new Mortal Kombat and this pig was especially good at stopping riots. How? You might ask, well he's armed with a nightstick, a riot-made-rubber pellet gun, and some grenades. He looks like a bottle blond pansy, like the guys that pull you over for an illegal left turn and act like you've just burned an American flag. Sonya is back and played by an actress that isn't a very convincing martial artist. In fact I think she just got hired cause her tits are bigger than the original Sonya. The funniest thing is she does a vertical bicycle kick that looks like she's just doing aerobics. Jax got completely fucked with and was given new bionic arms. This game doesn't really take place in the future so to be honest the only way today's bionic arms would be of any combative use would be for you to remove one of them from your stumps and use it as a club. Leave it also to Midway to create ANOTHER stereotypical Native American Indian/Martial Artist with the NightWolf character (those spandex pants with the straps and revealing holes really speak pride and dignity of the American Indian)

The biggest sin this game committed was the loss of our beloved ninjas. Scorpion is gone but the games story doesn't explain why. Sub-zero is back but his mask is off and he's now dressed in an all-to-reveiling-bondage-like suit. The Bravehart inspired stripe down Zero's eye tell us that the designer couldn't think of much else to do other than give Sub-Zero a half-assed scar and no idea as to why he has it. What replaced the ninjas? These 2 robots that are obviously men in suits wearing plastic chest plates, and they both look the same aside from being palette swaps of one costume. Bullshit and lazy!

Sheeva was a great attempt at making all us 15-year old gamers horny and confused. Sheeva was a Goro like 4 armed character that is a woman with the biggest rack you've seen in a fighting game (in those days). The trouble is, those were fake boobs, you can tell because she doesn't have the 'bounce' of real tits like our Fatal Fury babe, Mai Shiranui. She was fun to play as but its just a desperate and obvious attempt at sex appeal. Again, LAME.

[Before you write me off as a pervert, first off YES I am, and second, imagine the sexual possibilities of a woman with 2 extra arms. close your eyes and think! Only a virgin would not find that hot.]

The only saving grace of the character line-up was that Kano was back, (Fuck yeah!) and Johnny Cage was gone (that actor was fired for the Bloodstorm ad thing) .

Fatality was the code word for the MK games and it made us so happy to disembowel our enemies. We love ripping the heads off, blowing up from the inside out, or just plain bleeding our opponents dry. This was an experience in video gaming that didn't need an improvement, just GIVE US MORE than 2 fatalities, PLEASE. Nope. Instead we get served with a stupid idea that must have been the idea of a fourth grader called 'Animalites'. Each character could now turn into an animal and attack them to kill them off . Most all of these finishing moves involved turning into a wolf and biting the opponents crotch. Hmm they must have ran out of ideas.

What really blew wasn't the playable fighters but the first boss. Motaro is the thing you fight before Shao Khan (again) and he's a centaur (you know half man-half horse) and he takes up about half the damn screen. Projectiles bounce off him and hit you, so forget about freezing or spearing him. Every hit he lands knocks you clear across the room and drains a third off your life bar. Its an experience so frustrating the controller might hit the wall 4 to 5 times before you actually win. Kintaro wasn't even this hard. The main trick to defeating Motaro is jump like a rabbit on meth and air kick him any chance you get but if he blocks it, he'll pick you up by your neck and pummel you.

Shao Kahn makes a return, (cause according to the games story, the second tournament never was finished) and this time he's brought his sledge hammer. Defeating this asshole will require a cheat code, some kind of trick, or about 50 tries. He now is armed with a huge sledge hammer that not only kills a third of the life bar but also makes you temporarily dizzy, thus giving Kahn another free shot at you. Another thing thats kinda stupid is that his weapon seems to come from behind his back, like as if he is a Warner Brothers cartoon character. So there you are running up to Shao Kahn ready to deal some damage and suddenly BAM! that fuckin hammer knocks you out, and Kahn-y can now put his boot into you while your reeling in pain. At least he's not as big a pain in the ass as Motaro.

This game didn't really say 'disappointing' until the hype had cooled and people had a chance to REALLY play the game. It was almost just like Mortal Kombat 2, but it wasn't. All our favorite characters were gone and replaced with duds. Midway must have listened to the crying and bitching, so they gave us the revamped version of MK 3 called Ultimate MK3.

Ultimate MK3 was an improvement. We got back all our ninjas, including the addition of 2 other pallette swaps that no one cared about (Raine, and Ermac). Millena and Kitana were back and we also got Jade and Smoke (the 2 hidden characters of MK2). It was so much better, and even now I wonder why they didn't just have us wait for THAT version rather than screw us with an MK game with so many holes in it.

Oh well, I'll still pick MK3 over the fourth Mortal Kombat game any day. That game was just wrong!

Worst Fighting games of the 1990's-Part 3-Bloody Hell

(This next game got its attention for 1 reason, It got the actor who played Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat fired. Since I fucking hated Johnny cage, I'll give this travesty some credit. At least we didn't have to see that egotistical pansy ruin Mortal Kombat 3 (that game ruined itself).

I won't name the actor who played Cage, but I'm sure you can google it if you'd like. The actor had appeared in a magazine ad dressed as the Johnny Cage character standing next to a cabinet to an arcade game that Midway didn't make, with his hand on the controls. Midway fired him because of his presence in that ad being a contractual no-no. I remember seeing him in the ad as well in a game magazine back in the day, smiling his ass off, which was obviously Oscar-worthy acting because the game he stood next to wasn't worth cracking a smile.

If a game maker is going to hijack a mascot from someone else's franchise then that might tell you that the company really is into being shady. Frankly thats like getting Sega to have Mario appear in an ad for its next Sonic game. You know what other buisnesses are this shady? The Mafia.)

BloodStorm

Incredible Technologies/Chun Soft/ Strata

1994

I won't bother talking you through the craze and hype of Mortal Kombat again, because we all saw it and I already have enough MK pages to sink your ship. In this vain however, Strata needed to compete with the famous fighting game. Its previous try-TimeKillers, wasn't cutting it and they needed to follow that with a much more vile fighter that would get the sadists of arcades to drop them their quarters. One would expect them to give up the failed formula of Timekillers and try something new, get better artists, animate characters better, throw in some nudity, make the game fun, or for goods sake have a better way of attacking other that just mashing buttons into the floor. But NOOOOOO.

Mortal Kombat had blood, and was famous. So the makers of another way-to-violent-game, came up with a game more bloody than MK and its Timekillers game combined. They called it Bloodstorm.

[Game Developer: Hey chief, You know that insanely red and bloody game that were working on, well dammit, I just can't think of a name for it.

45-year-old-Game Developers' boss: Well the best way to sell a game is to give it a good name, not just make it fun and re-playable there, sonny. If we have that we'll take the arcade world by storm!

Developer: IT GOT IT! Blood,... Storm! Blood Storm! We can even remove the space in the middle of the 2 words and make it ONE word. We can invent a word!

Boss: Good job, sonny. Now get out of my office and feed my ostriches.]

Using the finest cheap comic book artists from England, and the greatest animators of Mrs. Cornholepeckers 5th grade class, they cranked out a fighting game filled with characters that made no sense, all fighting for the most original prize that any hero or villain could fight for: World domination! Yeah makes sense, no fictional protagonist/antagonist has EVER wanted that before.

These fighters all get something about their look that either makes them very futuristic or very primitive. All of them are ridiculous in some way or form, from either having a giant concrete fist to smash you with, having a bionic eye or fighting in a thong.

Excess ensues on an even grander scale. Characters can lose limbs thus giving the other guy an advantage. Once you've lost both arms your stuck with using your feet or at worse, headbutting. Its just that sad. This game features a block button as well ala Mortal Kombat. Why, you might ask? Because anyone who liked using the 'hold back' feature of Timekillers will surely go mutinous and move on. One could guess they were trying to piss people off.

Blood fills the screen in larger amounts, like in Kill Bill Vol1 or this game wasn't trying to be funny with it. Heads can be cut off at anytime by any opponent via 'death moves' that can be even executed at the beginning of a match (mind you, the CPU always blocks it, unless they are 'stunned').

This game tries to be innovative to the eyes by giving us some rendered 3d objects to use as weapons. The end result looks like crap, a cartoon character armed with a CGI-looking rocket launcher on his back. It doesn't look right, in fact it looks cheap. You can either be an animated game with cartoon-ish graphics or a CGI game, both together look like ass. Each character in the game has a CGI looking weapon and after you defeat a character you can steal it. Shoulder mounted rocket launchers, optical laser eyes, giant concrete fists, and belts with pockets that carry explosives. By the end of the game your fighter looks like he or she could lighten the load a bit, trying to carry enough gear to start a war.

This little ditty has tons of unneeded and who-gives-a-shit secrets. If you win a match in a special way, you get to fight against a secret hidden super tough boss, don't worry about losing those fights though, the match is only for shits, giggles, frustration, and the off chance of higher points. I've encountered two of these travesties, one is named Blood which is a red clad fighter with a red body, and a distracting, moving spraying blood splatter for a head. The other fighter I found was called "Shadow" who is a character that is invisible and forces you to follow his shadow on the floor. I have yet to beat these challengers, mostly due to the cheap bastard AI this game uses. I also found it just a little too easy to get access to fighting the secret characters, which makes this game even more of a pain in the ass. No one wants a CHORE of fighting an impossible cheap opponent just because they lopped off a head at the end of a match.

Speaking of cheap, the bosses of this game suck too, one of them being a rendered polygon 3d robot that towers to about 15 feet tall. I can't really describe it, its just the lamest damn fighting game character. Its like MK3's Motaro only way dumber and lazier in the design department. The other boss is a flying character that looks like a 1st generation CGI looking bat. If fighting against a boss the size of a damn mosquito sounds like fun to you, then please don't ever mate. The fact that I cannot be any more descriptive, or remember their names is a bad sign too.

Incredible Technologies no longer exists as a game developer as far as I know. The thing that surprises me the most is that BloodStorm was even getting prepped for a sequel before that company imploded. Those out there looking for a good hybrid of Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat should just try Timekillers, and they'll see why gore and cartoons in video games is a tightrope walk between art and playability, and clearly Incredible just didn't walk it.

Worst Fighting Games of the 1990's part 2

Now turn your head and cough.
Read that ridiculous shit on the pic, just read it.

Killer Instinct 2

Rare/Nintendo

1996

Killer Instinct 1 was a surprise, a success and not to mention great alternative to the the blood soaked world of Mortal Kombat, and the cartoonish world of Street Fighter. We had looks, sounds, speed, and intensity all in one, complete package. We all felt KI's sting, and we needed to see it happen again, we begged the folks and Nintendo and Rare to give us a sequel, we clamored for it. If we had known that they were going to screw it up this badly, we would have probably kept our mouth shut.

KI2 was in arcades in the coolest looking arcade cabinet, with our good busty friend Orchid on the side of it, staring us down with those huge... eyes. The game featured updated graphics, and sound that really WASN'T changed but that was ok, the sound was fine to begin with. Everything looked great on the outside, but KI2 was like a chick with a Wonderbra on, and lots of make-up, and you find out after that hot date when you've taken her home that she's on the rag, (but still didn't bother telling you about that).

The characters are my first gripe. Cinder was awesome in the first game, c'mon! The Human Torch in a fighting game, what wasn't to like? Riptor wasn't a bad idea either, a human and dinosaur mixed, why not? But in KI2 they scrapped those and gave us the addition of new fighters that are as boring as they are forgettable. The worst part is they kept most of the other lame-wads too, like Combo, Saberwolf and Spinal and just kicked them up a notch by updating their look. The new graphics gave Orchid a much better bounce in her step which is fine, but she also had to now compete against other sex-appealed whores, like Kim Wu, and Maya. Conan the Barbarian must be really pissed he wasn't picked for the role of Tusk. Tj Combo doesn't look like a boxer anymore, now he just looks like an ass in camo pants. Saberwolf has bionic arms, ...Whatever. Nothing great to see here folks, move along.

But what takes the cake and hurls it, then eats it again, is the fighting system. Before, combos were as easy as start and follow with other buttons, and mix it up. Now here, we get a clunky and complicated system of "Auto" and "Manual" moves that don't perform nearly as satisfying as before. Now you have to have an 'opener', hit certain buttons in sequence and then close it so that the CPU opponent doesn't lay waste to your sorry ass with an even longer combo than yours. If you loved KI 1 and was able to bust out 13 hit 'Killer' combos than playing this game will totally insult your whatever previous skills you might have had.

The story to KI2 is worse than the one before. Now the game seems to take place 2000 years in the past. The logic behind that, is that when Orchid defeated Eyedol (yay! go Orchid!), Eyedol's death released energies so strong that it caused a time warp. Yes that's right, the ultimate excuse for having a trip in time, a WARP. I guess as a result of this warp, all the fighters now control and fight like ass, just like people from long ago. They adapted you see.

Not even Orchids skimpier outfit could save this game, or Maya's annoyingly bouncing chest. I like boobs, but jezz when it comes to a video game I'm %100 sure they're fake.

To top all this off, this game is easy, too damn easy. Gargos is the final boss (he's just a gargoyle) and if he was any easier he'd just stand there and beg to be hit for some kind of sexual kick. I should never have to up the difficulty ante on an arcade game. I guess after KI1 a lot of people bitched about how tough Eyedol was (he was too), but really that's the whole point of the game, and since its in an arcade, there is no reason it shouldn't munch at a roll of quarters.

I was mad back in 1996 and I'm still mad about this disappointment. I can only guess that the people at Nintendo and Rare didn't want the series to last, so they roasted this turkey. This game also had to compete against others like, Tekken and Soul Caliber so it was doomed from the beginning. If you also get beaten out by the Street Fighter Alpha games, then that's saying something, its saying that it was better the first time around.

Nintendo 64 FINALLY had a KI release entiltled KI Gold. Due to the N64's cartridge media that meant poor sound (compared to CDs) and no movies for all the characters. The first KI didn't even make it to the N64, which is really the fault of the N64 not really being a completed project.

[In fact a good side note is that during the opening ads for KI one in arcades, theres a teaser showing the 'Ultra 64' logo and the announcer of KI telling us that this game was going to be made for homes in 1995 only on the Nintendo Ultra 64. If the Ultra 64 was made instead of the N64, things might have worked out for Nintendo and they wouldn't have gotten stomped so badly by Sony and its Playstation.]

When the X Box 360 was in the works KI3 was announced and recently the development for it was cancelled. Maybe that's for the best. I can only imagine what kind of shit they'd give birth to for the third time around.

Fighting games are a dying genre really, and perhaps if Killer Instinct was translatable into a first person shooter, it might stand a chance on the modern systems. As crazy as I may sound, KI the FPS might work, after all I'd love to put a bullet into Spinals cackling skull. And repeat.