Guitar Hero saves rock (and the rest of us from crappy games)

Before Revolution X this is what bally-midway tried to cook up for quick buck. I doubt that it caused a line at any arcades.

Its been awhile folks, I’m not sure if I have 'fans' of my blog or not, but hell, I’m sorry to those that read my ranting on a regular basis. If I was perhaps paid to do this (which I would love) I would write all the time and actually keep a schedule and theme to everything that I compose. However the idea of my hobby becoming my work isn't very appealing, so that’s why I keep this so moderate. I don't want the thing that I love becoming my JOB.

Job= deadlines, payroll, taxes, Mondays.

I love gardening and landscaping, and many people I know and my family tell me "Gee Bob, why don't you do that for a living?" to which I respond "Why don't you just pull my fingernails out with a pair of pliers!" Point being, work is work, hobby is hobby. If business and pleasure were meant to go hand in hand, I would have nailed the hot fat chick I work with long ago (thus ruining my job).

Most of my delay came from the fact that I simply had NOTHING amazing or new to write about. I've covered fighting games, both good and bad, the legacy of some of my favorites like Doom and Metroid. What do I write now? another damn top ten-ner? Well yes- that did cross my mind, to which I wanted to write about the top ten WORST video games that are based on a genre that has NO game material in it: Music.
Now before you choke on your microwave burrito in objection as you read that let me point you to a fact. Music speaks directly to the ear first (then it speaks to all the other places like your mind, heart, body, soul, and all that bullshit). Every movie based on a musical act- unless its a recorded live concert in front of an audience or in an exotic location- usually sucks. Pink Floyd made an effort to promote and push The Wall album by not only recording the album, but also making a small film (that few are aware exists) and an elaborate stage show (that was a but too much, especially for what is in my opinion- a weak album by the Floyd). Simply put, there is very little need for visuals in music, even if there is drugs involved.
So why with the minimal or at least RARE success of the Rock Opera would musical acts want to cross over into the gaming world?

Don't get me wrong folks, some bands that I love would make kick ass video games. Slipknot would be the fighting game I’ve always dreamed of playing. Throw in GWAR and KISS and you've got a fighting game that would sell millions even if the actual game turned out to suck. Marlin Manson's twisted mind could be a great drawing board for a horror Goth game. Ted Nugent in a hunting game, where he can kill deer, oxen, and those harmless liberals that (somehow) piss him off. I don't even like rap, and I know that the life of Tupac would be a blockbuster spin-off of the GTA series, hell it apparently works for 50 Cent. But Leave it to the industry to not only NEVER think of these kind of ideas, but also to NEVER read this article to get them.

These days all those titles would have to be done in a way that I don't prefer games to done,: full 3d graphics, HD quality sound, all the bells, whistles and bullshit that remind us that they simply DON'T make them like they used to. If any game company was savvy enough to make a Slipknot VS Gwar VS KISS VS Mudvayne with 2d digitized graphics and I will almost completely lose my lust and wish for a fighting game that pits strippers against porn stars. I said almost.
Guitar Hero one of the games out there right now that I hate the most. As a guy that owns a REAL guitar and used to practice religiously- it pisses me off to see that rock and roll fantasies now come true in the virtual world. In my day, playing air or fake guitar meant you needed to quit drinking or for gods sake get laid. I'm jealous, ok! There... I said it. Its bad enough modern console controllers have more keys than a fucking telephone, now there are these new fangled controllers as well (I’m looking at you Nintendo Wii). Perhaps I'm an aged gamer, unable to adjust. That’s my prerogative.

In this new world of cooperate controlled video games made by, for and sold in in Wal-mart to a Wal-mart crowd for $59.99- a new game has come out that isn't a horrible idea, but its proved to me that not only have video games lost its underground appeal that kept us nerds happy but it also manages to sully the dangerous and rebellious image of rock as well: Guitar Hero: Aerosmith.

I’m not a fan of Steve Tyler and the gang but I cannot deny that the flamboyant, screechy, blues-injected and danceable sound of Aerosmith is catchy as it is cool. For the most part, their music hasn't aged at all. Song after song, innuendo after innuendo, and after what must seem like decades they just keep going and going (tell me the song Big Ten Inch doesn‘t make you laugh). Steve Tyler attacks the mic with his voice, and still moves enough to where on stage he looks like a mess of flailing scarves that dress his mic stand. Impressive, we see Mick Jagger move around on stage but not as good as he did during the 'Satisfaction' era (in fact his on stage persona reflects a man who has to make sure his hip replacement doesn't slip) and as for the price of darkness Ozzy Osborne- he might still be able to sing, but he can't fucking talk (or do much of anything else like take out the trash, or properly raise kids).Great music, and Guitar Hero: Aerosmith is a great way to not only preserve a great American rock act, but also help introduce it to a younger crowd.

But there was a time that this 'simulated' rock world of gaming didn't exist. Dance Dance Revolution was years away- let alone the idea of 'Rhythm Games'- hell, the only rhythm game made then was Simon. If a band wanted to be in a game they had to throw a dart on a board and whatever genre they landed on they placed the members of the band in THAT. As a result, we found ourselves seeing games that had little to do with making or hearing music, instead we just saw guitarists, singers and drummers off on adventures that no rocker would ever venture into doing. We might have dodged a bullet but there is no doubt that KISS would have become a lousy, unplayable platformer. Think of it, we may have also been subjected to seeing Public Enemy in a light gun game (that’s a true story too).

Aerosmith had their first shot in a light gun game called Revolution X. Midway made the arcade game that featured digitized graphics of the band in various cameos in the games story and as you play, you rescue the members of the band. The plot to this game has nothing to do with music other than explaining vaguely to you "Music is the revolution". You- on the other hand have to fight the war for them while the rest of the world is being taken over by a fascist government hell-bent on banning Rock Music and tattoos. Their soldier of choice? a man in a black and bright yellow suit wearing a gas mask... cloned about 1 million times. This starts out ok, but it doesn't take long to get old, its like an airline flight that won't land. You don't want to be on a plane longer than 5 hours, much as you won't want to shoot wave after wave of badly designed and emotionless soldiers for longer than 10 minutes. The ring leader to this army of Nazi rejects is a raven haired, busty leather dominatrix that kind of seems to be the inspiration of Ann Coulter: evil, fascist, and almost fuck-able if she wasn't such a cunt.

Your weapon is even more laughable, a machine gun that shoots CDs. Not just ANY CDs, but explosive CDs that blow a hole into a man, however no matter how or where you hit your enemies, they just fall to the ground and die. It would have been nice to see some limbs fly, but even Midway- the most edgy company of that time- didn't take that risk. I get lots of AOL sample CDs in the mail and I got to tell you, using them as a Frisbee and watching them shatter against the side of a barn is a recipe for fun, but this game totally destroys it for me. Now whenever I see the reflective confetti of AOL's complete waste of time, I think of this game.

This idea might sound better than say, Shaq-fu. But in those days Shaquille O’Neil was the SHIT. Aerosmith, on the other hand was not in popular demand like Shaq. So games like Michael Jordan’s Chaos in the Windy City and Shaq-fu got made in a time that there was SOMEONE out there willing to shell out dough to buy it, but I cannot see a kid at the age of 12-15 thinking ‘Aerosmith in a video game? AWESOME I’m spending my allowance on THAT.” Lets also be reminded, this wasn’t a game about music- it was literally a patched in guest spot for a band that hadn’t been on MTV since the 80’s.

Now, I’m not knocking this game too much, the arcade version is really good. The Arcade version to REV:X is the perfect light gun quarter muncher. However, Sega Genesis and SNES owners didn't get that lucky. The underpowered systems couldn't bring the same experience home, which makes me wonder just why the hell they bothered. The background songs like "Feed the rage" get cut into annoying and repetitive loops. The animation was choppy, causing Steve Tyler and the band to move in two step animation. For god's sake the soldiers barely moved it was like they were on a track. You know those spooky houses they build at the fair that you ride a rickety car through? This game replaces the cardboard cutouts of Dracula and ghosts with paper dolls of armed men lead by a busty leather fetishist.

At the time this game was released its reception was so-so. After all these years however, this game has NOT aged well at all. The even sadder part is that this game wasn't the first licensed musical property to be made into a shitty game, Journey has that honor.
In 1983, Bally/Midway made Journey: the arcade game. Fun fact to this game is that it was the first game to have digitized, photo real sprites, which in those days could only give you a simple black and white image of the band members faces. Steve Perry, along with his band mates, travel the galaxy in that space ship that’s seen on the covers of their albums and go from planet to planet. On each planet you play an mini game that involves them recovering their stolen musical instrument. Not a horrible idea, and if you have MAME definitely check it out- the mini-games are quite fun, even if the idea and plot of the game is total crap. Again the years haven’t been kind to that title either.

As much as I hate the new trend of virtual guitar games, I cannot deny WHY they are popular. If not for Guitar Hero and Rock Band we would have been forced to see musicians try to be Mario and rescue groupies from the clutches of a stuffy high school principle that hates rock. This industry never learns its lesson in making BAD video games so there’s no doubt such crap would have made it too modern consoles and continued to fail. Let us also not forget that GH might have saved rock and roll music and in this day of being spoon fed music through MTV (most all of it crap) so we should be grateful.