Games that would make GREAT movies

Pick One: Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

This was a simple one. Nintendo may never let another movie be made from any of its franchises ever again (aside from Pokemon) but they really should give a thought to their Zelda series. The story to Zelda is a story line that’s always worked: the King Arthur-esque, coming-of-age tale. Zelda’s got it all, an aspiring and idealistic young boy with high dreams of saving his world, quenching his thirst for adventure, a damsel in distress, old wise men, back stories, history, destiny, talking trees and, of course, epic sword- clashing battles. It’s a failure free formula.

Some may argue, “We’ve seen that kind of movie before!”. They’re right, but between films like the classic Star Wars, the epic Lord of the Rings, the shitty Eragon and the upcoming Hobbit, Hollywood isn’t ready to drop the ‘take up your sword young warrior’ storyline just yet. We’ve also seen the battle between good and evil taking place in the medieval times before as well, but Zelda is a lot like Star Wars and LotR in that it all is taking place in its own little fairy tale world. Its earth but a different dimension of earth. Perhaps it can be earth in a time that history has forgot. Have you ever noticed that the medieval world is the same almost in every film? It would be cool to combine the castles and knights in shining armor world with a turn of-the-century slant with flying/gliding machines and early industrial machinery. Its something I’ve wanted to see, anyways.

As far as direction goes I think that filmmakers like Peter Jackson or Spielberg could do it, but with this film being based on a Nintendo game- it’s a safe bet they won’t go near reading the script. Perhaps the studios could go for a younger director or whomever did the Harry Potter movies. Its really about finding someone that can handle a LOT of special effects work because bringing to life the world of Zelda would be difficult and expensive. Perhaps this could be a Dreamworks animated feature and just do everything in CGI.

Zelda OoT was the best written Zelda story I’d ever seen and I revisit it anytime I play. That alone is the reason that this game gets SOOOOO much gushy press, even after 10+ years since its release on the Nintendo 64. As a film, the story should follow what was in the game 100% because seeing how it’s a world we may have seen before, the story would have to be able to keep audiences in their seats. There’s no need to bog everything down with action and sword fights, because even that can get boring after a few minutes (Matrix: Reloaded is a fine example of too much). Link needs interaction and advice from all the legends around him that are honing and crafting him into the statue of bravery needed to assemble the Tri Force (Ala Obi Wan and Yoda giving advice to Luke). Therefore, good screenwriting is a must- not just great stunt/fight choreography.

Who would play Link? that’s a toughie. I would love to see the Ocarina of Time storyline worked into a live action film but you would have to cast many different Links to get the sense of how he grows older as the story moves. I think just about any of those manufactured, bottle-blond, pop stars that Disney cranks out could perhaps play young link (only if he can fucking act, though). The final version of grown Link would have to be a dead-on perfect actor- I’m thinking perhaps someone that looks like Hayden Christensen but a little younger and more Shakespearian in his acting (unlike Hayden’s painful acting in Star Wars 2 & 3).

Last suggestion: Keep infamous game to film director Uwe Boll as far away from the making of the movie as possible. If he should arrive on set, the order to the catering crew is shoot to kill.

You gotta be kidding me: ANOTHER Street Fighter movie?!

Watch Micheal Clarke Duncan sink his career
Oscar buzz is in the air right now. Who’ll come out on top? Heath Ledger’s amazing Joker performance? The outrageous portrayal of a dude, playin’ a dude, disguised as a dude from Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder? Or that Slumdog movie that I didn’t hear squat about until award season? Time will tell. We all know what movies can easily become Oscar bait- and rarely are we ever surprised by the winners. Admit it, we all knew Forest Gump would steal the gold from Pulp Fiction those many years back. As long as its sappy, has an all star ensemble cast, foreign, has a retarded-or gay-or otherwise tragic character (played by Sean Penn, Tom Hanks or some newer actor with a hard to pronounce name), then it’s a sure bet for an Academy Award. What amazes me is that the comedy genre gets overlooked nearly every damn year- comedies that make millions of dollars more than say, Million Dollar Baby.

One film that has yet to even get nominated for an Academy Award is any film based on a video game. If your familiar with any of these movies than its certainly not hard to see why. Maybe these films might get a technical nod, but I’ve yet to hear about them and besides who the hell cares about the technical Oscars? Exactly… moving on.

The problem is… I don’t think anyone has REALLY clamored from a video game to film translation of any kind. Perhaps the serious fan boys of the Mario games begged for a live action movie but a majority of the players couldn’t have cared less either way. Those fan boys suddenly were rudely greeted in 1993 with The Mario Bros film and if that wasn’t enough The Wizard was just a 90 minute commercial for the then upcoming Mario Bros 3 game (and oddly, it worked). John Leguizamo and Fred Savage are still trying to shake off those crumbs of shit.

Did anyone really ask for these films? Was it even worth the millions of dollars and man hours to make them? The only time that fans asked, fans got and fans were pleased was Mortal Kombat. It wasn’t Citizen Kane but in terms of game-based films its fucking close. Maybe the same could be said for the CGI animated Final Fantasy, but if it wasn’t for that features amazing visual spectacle than it would have died a quiet death in theaters and never would have become a gamers’ favorite DVD.

Well Hollywood doesn’t think that the pure and interactive storytelling of video games hasn’t been stripped, raped and strangled enough. This month the un-asked for Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li will come to theaters and most likely will TRY, TRY, TRY to be worth your 9 bucks but it won’t. This is pseudo-reboot of the dismally awful Street Fighter movie made back in 1994 (the one with French Canadian actor Van Damme as American air force soldier Guile). Those who remember 94’ know that the movie was horrible, hell I was only 13 and I thought it was crap. At 13 ANYTHING could have impressed me. What ruined it all was that the makers of the film felt the need to have ALL the fucking characters from the game be part of the story- which any screenwriter will tell you is an awful idea. This latest film seems to focus its story on Chun Li which might give the movie something to work with, but still even if its good it’ll still not generate much buzz outside of the gamer community. The point is, and my question through this whole article is “Who the fuck asked for this?”.

While games- like Mario Bros- have very little material in them to become movies that doesn’t stop them from being made. However some games have stories to them that are worthy of the silver screen. The problem is, once the film is in the hands of a director, and a producer, all hell breaks loose. These men and women of Hollywood don’t play video games and don’t care how the original story goes, they’ll just simply write one that suits them. Max Payne came out last year and wasn’t very loyal to the original game story, and nor was Doom two years prior. The original story to 'Payne was action packed, tragic, and spoke high volumes of government espionage (something that today’s politically charged world needs) however the movie reportedly is more about drugs and action rather than the suspense that kept us all playing. The trick that directors and writers need to follow is the same thing that keeps people playing the game should be the same tricks that keep us watching films, its formula that works in films that even ARE NOT based on games. We keep playing games to see what is next for us in the next level- we keep watching a movie to see what will happen to our protagonist next. The two genres DO go hand in hand.

So what games deserve to be green lit and might generate box office success? I have picked a few- mind you most of these games are my personal faves. Also bear in mind however just because I love the game doesn’t mean I will include it on this list. I love Tetris- there is NO movie in Tetris, just a Family Guy sketch. I’ve also included some reasoning as to why it should be made and also how I would make it, if I had such Hollywood muscle. Think of these upcoming entries as me being the producer of these stories. Since most of these studios nowadays can’t seem to come up with anything new it might be worth some of those studio heads to take a gander at this list and maybe (you better) write me a damn check. Couple million should be fine…

(stay tuned)

Early Gaming in a (plastic) Nutshell

Front labels- Nothing very special except for the plastic casing on the Donkey Kong cart being a beige plastic.

Top view of the carts- I love the Coleco logo on a Nintendo game playable on the Atari 2600, its like none of the companies knew they'd be spending the 1980's trying to phase each other out.

This pic below shows both carts on the underside. I noticed that the black Atari cart on the top of the pic has a special spring-loaded guard that covers the chip, keeping the dust out. Coleco's Donkey Kong Cart, has the chip section exposed. Atari was very forward thinking, but the mechanics probably made the carts a little more expensive to produce. Later in the 80's Nintendo would keep the chip exposed, making the cost to produce them a lot cheaper, and also make the 30th time you attempt to load the game impossible unless you blew into the cart until you blew a blood vessel.

Ah.. The 80’s the time of big hair, snake skin mini skirts, cartoon character underroos, and the fall of the Berlin Wall. But fuck all that. To retro gamers there are only 2 words that mattered in the birth years of MTV: Nintendo and Atari.

The world of gaming today is very compact when compared to the 1980’s. Thanks to the CD media that dominates the world of gaming today video games are now easier to manufacture and also easier to destroy. All of us that have systems like the Playstation or even the early ill fated Sega CD can remember scratching a disc and permanently losing a 40 dollar investment. Perhaps due to insanity or due to high profits to be made for gamers replacing their destroyed games, video game manufacturers haven’t yet given the market an indestructible media for games.

Cartridge media in the 1980’s and on into the mid 90’s was THE way to manufacture games. Other companies with systems like the Turbo Graphix 16 console put their games on small ‘Hu-cards’ that looked like credit cards of the future- while it looked nothing like a bulky SNES cart the it still used the cart concept. The idea was simple and sane on every front weather it was a SEGA Genesis or a Super Nintendo: Electrical contacts feeding a game system information and displaying it on screen. The only drawback was the task of keeping those contact chips that protruded from the bottom of the cart free from the polluted and corrosive outside world.
I’m huge buyer of ridiculous but cheap and collectible crap. I love crap- as long as its interesting crap. Send me into a Goodwill or an antique shop and I’ll leave that place with something I never needed, did not come in for- but can’t possibly live without. In the case of last month I found two glorious gems: Atari Carts with unique and important gaming histories behind them.

Donkey Kong and ET: The Extraterrestrial

Atari had the gaming world in a virtual monopoly in the late 70’s and into the early 80’s. The 1982 gaming crash gave the company a huge setback that would allow Nintendo the opportunity to scoop up the mess and reconstruct the video gaming market. Or so the story might say. Many people exaggerate the 82 crash, stating as if the gaming market would have never risen again if Nintendo hadn’t picked up the pieces. The truth is, Nintendo was in the right place at the right time. Atari didn’t die, and the company is still in the market as a publisher.

Another truth can be seen in the pictures above, on the Donkey Kong cart. Coleco- the manufacturer of the cart , Nintendo- creators of the famous game, and Atari-the makers of the 2600 system, had themselves a 3 way business back in the day, all of them working together to make the first home installment of the most popular arcade game of that time. (too bad it wasn’t as good.)

ET has a much more notorious history. The film by Steven Spielberg was the biggest hit of its time, meaning that merchandising was fair game. And like its predecessor -Star Wars- anything you could slap that almost phallic alien face on would (and did) make money. Except for this fucking thing. Atari was willing to gamble the company’s future on what would be the first ever video gaming license from a major motion picture and subsequently they would later be falling flat on their face (or to be literal into a landfill).

Three crucial things were mishandled and caused the company millions and would give Nintendo an open field to play on.

1. Short development time: This game was a rushed effort and if you’ve been unlucky enough to play it then you’d know. The controls barely respond and the gameplay is needlessly tedious. It’s the worst day of your life- REPEATED. Falling into a hole 16 times isn’t fun no matter what famous character from a famous film. Famed designer of games like Yar’s Revenge was given a meager 5 weeks to bang out this game and even for the primitive technology of the 2600, that’s not nearly enough time. This was the FIRST time any video game was to be based on a big hit movie and they didn’t even cough up a decent schedule. Plus Atari spent a TON of money to license the game- which brings us to…

2. Bad calls with numbers. Atari spent over 20 million dollars to get the rights to make this game, and that was unheard of at the time. Coleco spent only $250,000 on the rights to Donkey Kong for the later made Colecovision console- so that puts it all into perspective. To make matters worse is even when the game flopped on its release, Atari had also made over 4 million carts of the game. Trouble with that is that there were fewer than 2 million Atari 2600 systems in US households at the time. The idea was that maybe system sales would pick up, but Atari should have known better since they had done that same damn thing with Pac-Man and lost millions.

3. The game just plain blows. It does. The object of the game is to make ET fall into holes and find pieces of his phone to ‘phone home’. However once in the hole a glitch in the game keeps you from coming out of the ditch. That points out the ‘repeated nightmare’ thing I mentioned earlier. I was just a baby at the time this game was made, but as a retro gamer I cannot believe this… thing was allowed out of the door at Atari corp. We all make mistakes but with a 20 million dollar + investment, mistakes should at least allow you to break even. There isn’t a strong enough word to describe this fuck up. In the end Atari was $500 million in the hole and millions of copies of ET were bulldozed and buried in New Mexico. The ailing video game company would later be sold and divided.

Now with histories like this, you’d think that these two carts would be worth some cash right? Wrong. I checked values of these two ‘gems’ and found that of the 50 cents each I paid - the carts values are only a buck apiece. Oh well, a dollar made isn’t bad. But for me the money's not the point, I now have two bits of gaming history that would otherwise been thrown away, propping up a table, or buried in New Mexico.

Wait, this isn't from the 90's at all. Shit.

Wall Street's Kids love games

Yep, its THAT fucking fun.
Ditto
You know there ARE probably better screens than this but since I didn't play this game, this is what you get.

I’m no financial analyst, nor political analyst and you don’t have to insult me with it ok! I’m not very smart. There is one thing I am sharp on and it knowing bullshit when I hear it. A prime example is when the word ‘recession’ was being used when describing our economy a few months back. Everyone was asking “are we headed towards a recession?” People at where I work threw the phrase around as well - and asked me as if I was the kind of guy that reads a newspaper (I don’t need a newspaper I got the web). Some days I can’t remember what fucking day it is, now I have to remember the Word of the Month- screw that. Even in the haze of my first few awake hours at work before my tasks were at hand and the the only thing that keeps me from collapsing is a Mcdonalds iced coffee, I had an answer for the “Do you think we are heading into a recession?” pop quiz- and my answer was quite simple:

“I thought we were already in one.”

The fact is, in the last 8 years and even before 911 our economy was circling the drain and the terror attacks and the subsequent war in Iraq that followed didn’t help. Gas shot from $1.50 and then climbed to 2 bucks in less than a year ( now it nearly costs your damn blood). Stocks dropped like a stone in an empty pool. Then to add more insult to injury, jobs did a vanishing act. The poor bastards that made 10 and hour in a factory is forced to work now at wal-mart for way less because his old job got shipped to China. Ironically and painfully he is now stocking the very goods he once made (only now its made shittier and with lead). Wall Street and the biggest banks in the world had a damned party during these terrible times- giving out loans to people that had no earthly way of paying for them ( ‘Oh, yeah I had to HAVE money to PAY that mortgage and I needed a JOB to do it). Now the US gov has to pony up 700 billion to save their Harvard asses. That’s BILLION folks with a ‘B’.

How does this relate to video games? It doesn’t. Well… maybe it does. People are going to be paying for this- not the banks that fucked it all up but people like you and me. The video game market might take a hit for this. A new x box 360 isn’t going to fuel your car or heat your house and the latest installment of Mario isn’t going to make your upcoming higher taxes go away. It’s a damned shame because less than a decade ago the industry was at its highest and video games finally were outselling the music business. Mind you, back then the economy was WAY better when you compare it too now. Its like comparing apples and turds.

You even might think “Gee, at least this is a social and economic problem you CAN’T blame on games!”. Sorry it kind of is. Every time a stupid asshole storms into a school or building with a shotgun and plays Duck Hunt with classmates or co-workers- the video game industry takes a hit from Joe Lieberman, Hilary Clinton, Bush’s wife and also most of the conservatives on Capital Hill. Many of these blame flamers go on rants about how these games train and influence people to commit violent acts on others- while millions of others play these games and never hurt a soul. Meanwhile there are plenty of non violent games that really don’t influence anyone. Except maybe Tetris- I think of that game anytime I stack boxes at work.

Here is where I make my point after 4 goddamned paragraphs of my banter. Back in 1990 a video game was made for the NES called “Wall Street Kid”, a simulation game about the stock market that only about 3 people owned and 1 person liked (and that person probably wore a helmet indoors). I’ve never played this game because I care about the quality of my sanity but I can only imagine that it is an abortion in a NES cart. Based from what I’ve read- in this game you play a young investor that inherits $500,000 and is now trying to make more of that money by investing it into the stock market. While this sounds pretty educational and rewarding, it falls short. Along with the simulation of the stock market, you also have a girlfriend that you have to take out on dates, and buy things for so she’ll stay with you. You also have to make time for the gym and buy a yacht. I wish I was making all this up. In this game you can’t just make an honest and reasonable living and enjoy your life- you also have to maintain a relationship with a gold digging cunt and blow your cash on a castle that once belonged to a family. I don’t know why but I suddenly care about that family that just lost their castle to a pig.

I’d love to be able to trust the stock market a little more. Then if I ever inherit 500 k I can buy an old NES off eBAY and a copy of WSK. Then after learning all I can from the game I can then move to New York and spend some time on the trading floor- dressed in one of those suits or those stupid day glow vests. Raising my hand, yelling out numbers, looking at computer screens of symbols with numbers and at the time the closing bell rings I can find out that Adelphia took all the money I invested and gave it too the 2 sons and 1 father that owns the company so they can buy a 10,000 dollar umbrella stand. Then I can take the remaining 5 bucks and buy myself a McRib on my way to my new job at WalMart. Thanks Wall Street Kid. The McRib was good and the vest makes me look like a douchebag.

Now if every school shooting gets blamed on games why can’t this pile of shit be blamed for this crisis with the economy? Because it was made back in 1990? Hell most of the people work for these banks were in their 20s in those days and might have owned a Nintendo. The seeds of insane financial decision making were sown in those years. Then suddenly when the time was right BAM they became an insider with the NYSE and using the ‘Nintendo Logic’ they crippled the market.

Ok- Now that I’ve failed to convince you that (unless your dangerously retarded), then why are video games blamed for violence in our society? I don’t think that the Lehman brothers played Wall Street Kid. Washington Mutual’s heads are too old too be playing video games that are almost 2 decades old. But still, Wall Street Kids played games with us. It was all a damn game to them.

“I never understood why the people of France chopped off Marie Antoinette’s head- NOW I FUCKIN’ GET IT!” -

LEWIS BLACK
(BLACK ON BROADWAY)

To check out an even more ‘Not so nice’ review of Wall Street kid check out Seanbaby.com HERE and look at other horrible ideas to base NES games on.

Guitar Hero saves rock (and the rest of us from crappy games)

Before Revolution X this is what bally-midway tried to cook up for quick buck. I doubt that it caused a line at any arcades.

Its been awhile folks, I’m not sure if I have 'fans' of my blog or not, but hell, I’m sorry to those that read my ranting on a regular basis. If I was perhaps paid to do this (which I would love) I would write all the time and actually keep a schedule and theme to everything that I compose. However the idea of my hobby becoming my work isn't very appealing, so that’s why I keep this so moderate. I don't want the thing that I love becoming my JOB.

Job= deadlines, payroll, taxes, Mondays.

I love gardening and landscaping, and many people I know and my family tell me "Gee Bob, why don't you do that for a living?" to which I respond "Why don't you just pull my fingernails out with a pair of pliers!" Point being, work is work, hobby is hobby. If business and pleasure were meant to go hand in hand, I would have nailed the hot fat chick I work with long ago (thus ruining my job).

Most of my delay came from the fact that I simply had NOTHING amazing or new to write about. I've covered fighting games, both good and bad, the legacy of some of my favorites like Doom and Metroid. What do I write now? another damn top ten-ner? Well yes- that did cross my mind, to which I wanted to write about the top ten WORST video games that are based on a genre that has NO game material in it: Music.
Now before you choke on your microwave burrito in objection as you read that let me point you to a fact. Music speaks directly to the ear first (then it speaks to all the other places like your mind, heart, body, soul, and all that bullshit). Every movie based on a musical act- unless its a recorded live concert in front of an audience or in an exotic location- usually sucks. Pink Floyd made an effort to promote and push The Wall album by not only recording the album, but also making a small film (that few are aware exists) and an elaborate stage show (that was a but too much, especially for what is in my opinion- a weak album by the Floyd). Simply put, there is very little need for visuals in music, even if there is drugs involved.
So why with the minimal or at least RARE success of the Rock Opera would musical acts want to cross over into the gaming world?

Don't get me wrong folks, some bands that I love would make kick ass video games. Slipknot would be the fighting game I’ve always dreamed of playing. Throw in GWAR and KISS and you've got a fighting game that would sell millions even if the actual game turned out to suck. Marlin Manson's twisted mind could be a great drawing board for a horror Goth game. Ted Nugent in a hunting game, where he can kill deer, oxen, and those harmless liberals that (somehow) piss him off. I don't even like rap, and I know that the life of Tupac would be a blockbuster spin-off of the GTA series, hell it apparently works for 50 Cent. But Leave it to the industry to not only NEVER think of these kind of ideas, but also to NEVER read this article to get them.

These days all those titles would have to be done in a way that I don't prefer games to done,: full 3d graphics, HD quality sound, all the bells, whistles and bullshit that remind us that they simply DON'T make them like they used to. If any game company was savvy enough to make a Slipknot VS Gwar VS KISS VS Mudvayne with 2d digitized graphics and I will almost completely lose my lust and wish for a fighting game that pits strippers against porn stars. I said almost.
Guitar Hero one of the games out there right now that I hate the most. As a guy that owns a REAL guitar and used to practice religiously- it pisses me off to see that rock and roll fantasies now come true in the virtual world. In my day, playing air or fake guitar meant you needed to quit drinking or for gods sake get laid. I'm jealous, ok! There... I said it. Its bad enough modern console controllers have more keys than a fucking telephone, now there are these new fangled controllers as well (I’m looking at you Nintendo Wii). Perhaps I'm an aged gamer, unable to adjust. That’s my prerogative.

In this new world of cooperate controlled video games made by, for and sold in in Wal-mart to a Wal-mart crowd for $59.99- a new game has come out that isn't a horrible idea, but its proved to me that not only have video games lost its underground appeal that kept us nerds happy but it also manages to sully the dangerous and rebellious image of rock as well: Guitar Hero: Aerosmith.

I’m not a fan of Steve Tyler and the gang but I cannot deny that the flamboyant, screechy, blues-injected and danceable sound of Aerosmith is catchy as it is cool. For the most part, their music hasn't aged at all. Song after song, innuendo after innuendo, and after what must seem like decades they just keep going and going (tell me the song Big Ten Inch doesn‘t make you laugh). Steve Tyler attacks the mic with his voice, and still moves enough to where on stage he looks like a mess of flailing scarves that dress his mic stand. Impressive, we see Mick Jagger move around on stage but not as good as he did during the 'Satisfaction' era (in fact his on stage persona reflects a man who has to make sure his hip replacement doesn't slip) and as for the price of darkness Ozzy Osborne- he might still be able to sing, but he can't fucking talk (or do much of anything else like take out the trash, or properly raise kids).Great music, and Guitar Hero: Aerosmith is a great way to not only preserve a great American rock act, but also help introduce it to a younger crowd.

But there was a time that this 'simulated' rock world of gaming didn't exist. Dance Dance Revolution was years away- let alone the idea of 'Rhythm Games'- hell, the only rhythm game made then was Simon. If a band wanted to be in a game they had to throw a dart on a board and whatever genre they landed on they placed the members of the band in THAT. As a result, we found ourselves seeing games that had little to do with making or hearing music, instead we just saw guitarists, singers and drummers off on adventures that no rocker would ever venture into doing. We might have dodged a bullet but there is no doubt that KISS would have become a lousy, unplayable platformer. Think of it, we may have also been subjected to seeing Public Enemy in a light gun game (that’s a true story too).

Aerosmith had their first shot in a light gun game called Revolution X. Midway made the arcade game that featured digitized graphics of the band in various cameos in the games story and as you play, you rescue the members of the band. The plot to this game has nothing to do with music other than explaining vaguely to you "Music is the revolution". You- on the other hand have to fight the war for them while the rest of the world is being taken over by a fascist government hell-bent on banning Rock Music and tattoos. Their soldier of choice? a man in a black and bright yellow suit wearing a gas mask... cloned about 1 million times. This starts out ok, but it doesn't take long to get old, its like an airline flight that won't land. You don't want to be on a plane longer than 5 hours, much as you won't want to shoot wave after wave of badly designed and emotionless soldiers for longer than 10 minutes. The ring leader to this army of Nazi rejects is a raven haired, busty leather dominatrix that kind of seems to be the inspiration of Ann Coulter: evil, fascist, and almost fuck-able if she wasn't such a cunt.

Your weapon is even more laughable, a machine gun that shoots CDs. Not just ANY CDs, but explosive CDs that blow a hole into a man, however no matter how or where you hit your enemies, they just fall to the ground and die. It would have been nice to see some limbs fly, but even Midway- the most edgy company of that time- didn't take that risk. I get lots of AOL sample CDs in the mail and I got to tell you, using them as a Frisbee and watching them shatter against the side of a barn is a recipe for fun, but this game totally destroys it for me. Now whenever I see the reflective confetti of AOL's complete waste of time, I think of this game.

This idea might sound better than say, Shaq-fu. But in those days Shaquille O’Neil was the SHIT. Aerosmith, on the other hand was not in popular demand like Shaq. So games like Michael Jordan’s Chaos in the Windy City and Shaq-fu got made in a time that there was SOMEONE out there willing to shell out dough to buy it, but I cannot see a kid at the age of 12-15 thinking ‘Aerosmith in a video game? AWESOME I’m spending my allowance on THAT.” Lets also be reminded, this wasn’t a game about music- it was literally a patched in guest spot for a band that hadn’t been on MTV since the 80’s.

Now, I’m not knocking this game too much, the arcade version is really good. The Arcade version to REV:X is the perfect light gun quarter muncher. However, Sega Genesis and SNES owners didn't get that lucky. The underpowered systems couldn't bring the same experience home, which makes me wonder just why the hell they bothered. The background songs like "Feed the rage" get cut into annoying and repetitive loops. The animation was choppy, causing Steve Tyler and the band to move in two step animation. For god's sake the soldiers barely moved it was like they were on a track. You know those spooky houses they build at the fair that you ride a rickety car through? This game replaces the cardboard cutouts of Dracula and ghosts with paper dolls of armed men lead by a busty leather fetishist.

At the time this game was released its reception was so-so. After all these years however, this game has NOT aged well at all. The even sadder part is that this game wasn't the first licensed musical property to be made into a shitty game, Journey has that honor.
In 1983, Bally/Midway made Journey: the arcade game. Fun fact to this game is that it was the first game to have digitized, photo real sprites, which in those days could only give you a simple black and white image of the band members faces. Steve Perry, along with his band mates, travel the galaxy in that space ship that’s seen on the covers of their albums and go from planet to planet. On each planet you play an mini game that involves them recovering their stolen musical instrument. Not a horrible idea, and if you have MAME definitely check it out- the mini-games are quite fun, even if the idea and plot of the game is total crap. Again the years haven’t been kind to that title either.

As much as I hate the new trend of virtual guitar games, I cannot deny WHY they are popular. If not for Guitar Hero and Rock Band we would have been forced to see musicians try to be Mario and rescue groupies from the clutches of a stuffy high school principle that hates rock. This industry never learns its lesson in making BAD video games so there’s no doubt such crap would have made it too modern consoles and continued to fail. Let us also not forget that GH might have saved rock and roll music and in this day of being spoon fed music through MTV (most all of it crap) so we should be grateful.

Gameboy: The little engine that killed

Last week as I was vacationing at a small campground in Allegan Mi, I stumbled across something as I was cleaning and fixing water damage that had occurred after the winter months and ravaged my mothers cottage. This place was used only 2 weeks a year by me, and whenever I'm there- a new project is waiting. To my chagrin, I helped my mother move her antique (and by antique I mean extremely heavy) 4 post bed into another room and then... I saw it.

My sister Judy's lost Gameboy Advance SP- it had been sitting on a wet carpet since early spring and was under that bed for nearly 2 years. She'd lost it and was never able to find it, and had NO idea that it was there this whole damn time. For the most part she had forgotten about it and was content with her Gameboy DS Lite that was still able to play old GB games.

I flicked the power switch and wouldn't you just know it- IT WORKS. The battery lasted another 3-4 days as well which was amazing as well. I still need to get a charger but after giving my sis 30 dollars I found myself owning my first handheld system since my original Gameboy. I know that I could have gone on Ebay and gotten a GBA SP for like 10 bucks but for an 8 year old, my sister Judy drives a hard bargain.

Do you remember the first Gameboys, folks? The black and green display? The only 6 hour battery life? The bulkyness of the OG model before Nintendo shrunk it into the Gameboy Pocket. I sure do. I also remember rabid dog Sega Game gear fans picking on me because they all had that flashy and expensive color screen system that could gobble six AA's in just a few hours. The Gameboy was my first foray into console gaming and it was a great start. It was just a matter of time before I'd spend all the rest of my Christmas break without sunlight or friends.

The Gameboy is the highest selling console of all time. Its sold over 100 million units as of 2006 (thanks wikipedia). The Gameboy became also the reason for a 30 something yuppie to like video games with the GB's killer app Tetris. Super Mario Land showed us that the Gameboy could give us an NES in a small portable package- all that was wrong with it was its GREEN SCREEN.

A 2.6 inch (diagnally) screen using LCD technology-primitive even for 1989- displayed cartridge-stored games. Even in those days that sort of tech wasn't new nor exciting at all. Other companies invested in this idea and flopped, this due partially to the 83 video game crash. The Epoch Game Pocket Computer tried this idea, being a game console to use a monochromatic display to play games from ROM formats. Does anyone own one of these systems?... I thought so.

The Gameboy might not have been considered a big deal to the average consumer when it first came out, and it might not have been a big deal at Nintendo either. Still Nintendo was looking to expand upon its Game and Watch system- which had been a huge hit at that time. Nintendo was able to see that there still could be a market for portable gaming. All you had to do was make it interchangeable, easy to use, and give it a price that will work.

At $89.99 the Gameboy was released in 1989, and sold like hotcakes that Xmas. I remember seeing many adults owning them and playing them. I'd never seen a grown man playing a video game unless he was smoking pot a the same time. Nintendo had something to hold gamers attention while they were working on the next gen system of that time: the Super Nintendo (or SNES).

Sega even though they were getting some much needed attention for its Genesis console was ready to really compete. In 1990 they rolled out the Game Gear system- a portable version of their Master System console. I myself loved the idea of a color screen, but its asking price was kinda steep. Plus the Gamegear was also horrible with batteries. But even with its cons an 8 bit monster with a color display should have been enough to stop all over the Nintendo's Gameboy sales. It didn't.

Atari's Lynx also tried to one up the jolly green screen giant. The Lynx was pure 16 bits, color screen and built with a legendary company name. I never saw the Lynx as anything more than a unnecessary "rich boy's" toy. I never saw it again, except for in magazines. No one I knew owned one.

But by 1998 after Sega had trashed the Gamegear and Atari was a fart in the wind- the Gameboy finally was resurrected with a Color screen and more RAM. After almost a decade Nintendo dominated in a market filled with more powerful products and came out on top.

The Nintendo DS lite is a 64 bit portable able to display full 3d graphics and is armed with 2 damn screens. Leave it too the big N to never shy from innovation weather we asked for it or not (the Wii remote is a fine example). Thanks Judy

Diamonds and Dogshit Report- Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon

I entered a trachea once, and the bitch never called back.

Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon

Sculptured Software/Heath Hero Network inc. 1993

SNES (but oddly enough never released for the crappier systems)

When a console dies off, it becomes a sort of free for all to see just exactly what was made for it. The Nintendo Gamecube- while largely ignored and died ungracefully and unfairly- is now being sought after due to its low aftermarket price and little-known gems of games that were released for it. Some of these games turn out to be great finds, proving that sometimes hype doesn't always equal success. Games like R-type are a fine example (I'd never heard of them until now, and I'm addicted to all games R-type), we rarely heard about it but when you've played it you wonder just how it got past you.

Then there’s the shit that was better left not made. Games based on sitcoms, movies, board games, TV soaps or any game with porn and nudity in it. You would think that these properties, with all the money invested towards them- that developers would put some extra TLC into them. Nope. ET, Enter the Matrix and even the Tim Allen sitcom "Home Improvement" all flopped once made into pixeled adventures.
Here's a game that isn't based on anything really other than a decent idea, but still was a pile o' shit. You play as Rex Ronan, a doctor doing a new experimental surgery to a patient that is dying of smoking-related symptoms. This patient is a heavy smoker and why? its his job. He worked as a salesman for a huge tobacco company and his career has now backfired and is killing him. Rex Ronan’s only big idea rather than chemo and telling this man to lay off the smokes is to shrink himself to a microscopic size and scrub out all the tar, pre-cancerous cells and even tooth stains. 9 years of medical school and the poor, micronic bastard has to travel into the center of this mans sternum to cure his cancer. Armed with a Ghostbusters-like ray gun, a flying ship, and dressed in full purple spandex, this man is ready to kick some cancerous ass.

The sci fi classic movie Fantastic Voyage comes to mind sure, but this wasn't really based on that. It is its own bad idea. RR:ES is a title as awful as it is obscure, but really the concept and story of the game isn't THAT bad its just poorly executed. This game suffers from bugs, failure controls and graphics that leave a lot to be desired. But I'll have more on that later.

Now as your scrubbing the inner walls of this mans throat and lungs, you'll face an army of nano robots. These bots are programmed to kill you before you complete your mission in saving this mans life and have been planted there by the tobacco company to insure that the patient never blows his whistle on them. You see, there’s another great idea: corporate paranoia. Unfortunately for the tobacco company they only built robots that were made of legos 'cause they die so easily. If they don't fall apart easily then they're cheap as hell and replicated 1,000 times. Bullshit.

This game is plagued (or cancer riddled) with the dullest missions and most lifeless levels. One such in particular is the level where you use your spaceship (or BODY ship-whatever) to travel through this patients bronchial tubes or wind pipe and have to avoid mucus (all in a very unplayable third person perspective). Not just any mucus though, its some kind of acidy mucus that eats away at the metal of your ship and is so solid that you can crash into it. Shooting at the snot balls gives you points and also is an expensive and dangerous alternative to just prescribing this man some cough syrup.

The look of the game is ok, but still could use some accuracy as far as human anatomy is concerned. I know that a humans throat does not have twists and turns and two-way tunnels and I never went to medical school or even college. Lungs in this game look like sewer tunnels lined with a semen-like substance that is supposed to be cancer cells. Robots are all cloned one after another and attack you in large groups making up for the ease of their demise by just all ganging up on you. The bullshittery is topped off by the worst sound samples and music that would make you want to stay inside an elevator to hear MIDI tracks of 'man eater' by Hall and

Oats until you attacked your eardrums with a q-tip and a hammer.

Sculptured Software gave us the Mortal Kombat games on the SNES and they also gave us this. I guess everyone makes mistakes, but how far does the process of making shit like this take before someone was smart enough to stand up in the office and say "Hey guys, this game is a travesty. Maybe we ought to stop here before it gets out of hand." Along with being boring its also an edutainment game that attempts to demonize tobacco, and the tobacco industry long before the meaningless laws were made.

According to the surgeon general and groups of heath-Nazi Californians, a man smoking a cig at the beach 20 feet away from you is attempting to kill you with his filthy habit. I don't smoke but as I played this I really suddenly had a hankering for a pack of camels. I just wanted to light up that loosy and suck that smooth, chemical enhanced flavor and be as fuckin cool as Steve-fuckin-Mcqueen. Ironic huh?

The 90's saw a revolution in the hopes of a smoke free world. First there were smoking sections to keep those smelly breathed, yellow toothed offenders in a small corner of the restaurant or bar. Then they had to go outside. Now we have them standing 25 feet from the building. I guess next they'll just make them smoke in oncoming traffic. What’s that smell? hmm nope its not a Marlboro- its the sweet smell of Prejudice, ladies and gents. I know smoking is bad and expensive but- for fucks sake- why not just have smoking bars and non-smoking bars and let Americans MAKE UP THEIR OWN MIND!? They have gay bars right? I'm not gay so I don't go (unless I just want to get my dance on)

oh wait. I know why- because that would be called *freedom*, something that died about 8 years ago.

Enough of the rants. I just have a problem with educational games and propaganda. This game is both. So it might be good that this game didn't make any tracks and was discovered on a ROM collection CD while I was bored. But think about it- back in the old days of gaming people could buy this sort of thing on a cartridge and spend almost 40 bucks for it.

On a happy note, Fantastic Voyage would be a great game, provided it was medically accurate and more fun than cleaning the walls of a mans lungs. You could have different missions and objectives. Like curing prostate cancer! Who wouldn't want to be play a video game that takes place inside a mans 'gouch'? Wait...never mind.