Difference between improvement and revolution (the Street Fighter story)

(sorry for writing an article that ends in depression-haha)

In 1987, video games had made a successful comeback. Nintendo had helped the industry recover from the crippling 1983 video game crash and arcades made a healthy profit. Arcades were delivering the games that were not always availiable to home consoles and if they were, the games were extremely limited. A prime example is a game called Strider, a platformer in arcades that was so poorly handled on the NES that people assumed that it really WASN'T the same Strider.

Arcades had some great games, but the NES was making things easier; no trip to play games- just plug and play. The downside to that was nearly EVERY game on the original NES was about the same. Beat Em Up's were huge and this was mainly due to the popular Double Dragon series. From that point on games were all about walking left to right and punching and kicking ANYTHING that walked in your direction. WHY? because those fucks kidnapped your girlfriend. Again.

This formula was wearing thin around 85. The same man attacking you over and over really starts to suck at about Level six and most of these games didn't even have good endings that made you feel good about your accomplishment. It would have been nice to see after awhile a cool cartoon porno scene come up after you've saved your frail waif again from the clutches of the evil crime boss-ninja-robot assassin- whatever. But again, it was all about the adventure getting to the end, and if the roll of quarters you brought to the arcade didn't get you there, then the Game Genie cartridge strap-on could.

Fuck that. It was old news. Then something happened. A little company called Capcom took the beat em up concept and made something of it that didn't require the monotony of fighting the same man twice. Head to head action, colorful characters and special moves. The even stranger part is that no one saw it coming and most of it hadn't been done in such a grand scale before.

Anything would have been better than its main competitor. The only other fighting game at the time that was Head to head style was the 2600's Atari game simply titled 'Karate'. This game blows beyond anything else. The classic mess ET: the extra terrestrial is 6 feet under the ground in New Mexico and this game is probably still floating around in pawn shops and antique stores, is there no justice in the world? If you want to see just how awful things can get on the 2600 then click here. Your Lego collection could look better at fighting than this.

But with this piece of shit giving reason for you to attack an Atari cart with a hammer, Street Fighter premiered in that same time and blew minds. When your partner games in the Arcade is ANOTHER Double Dragon clone and a 4 color Atari pong game with stick men, then success presents itself naked at your bedside.

For those of you that don't remember or have never played, Street Fighter 1 was amazingly small compared to its latter game Street Fighter II. In the first installment, you only got to pick 1 man, Ryu (Yes, THAT Ryu). You would have light-medium-and fierce punches and kicks to mix it up. You got 3 special moves which we all saw in SFII: the hurricane kick, the fireball, and the Shroyuken punch. Despite all these limits, it was still the best thing out there, and was only available at arcades and on the Turbo Graphix console (that few of us owned). It doubtful that the NES would have been able to pull this game off, seeing that it was so detailed and had real (but crappy) digitized voiced dialogue [to be honest the only phrase you could hear being spoken was after you won a match when your opponent said "What strength! But remember there are many guys like you all over the world." ].

The reception wasn't all that big for the first Street Fighter but it was enough to prompt a sequel. The rest-as they say- is history, but the jump from 1 to II was big. There was 8 fighters instead of just 1. The story was different for each character you picked. SFII may have been just a way of classically reviving a dead franchise because in video games 6 years is a LONG wait for a sequel. 6 years gave us a lot of time to get better home systems made which is why the SNES version might be the best arcade translation ever for that time.

The Genesis released the Champion Edition of SFII but with only 3 buttons on the controller for a 6 button game WHY FUCKIN' BOTHER. Nintendo and the SF games gave the industry a clue when it came to designing a game controller: you needed at least 6 buttons. These games are very reason Sega had to make the Model 3 Genesis (with a new 6 button controller).

The list of later Street Fighter games is long enough for me to not want to name them all on this page- if you want that list, go to wikipedia. It seemed to take a long time for this series to make a Street Fighter 3, and when it finally did the reception was lukewarm and bittersweet. We even got to see the series get a 3d face lift with the Street Fighter EX games, giving the snail paced Virtua Fighter a run for its money.

As of writing this, Street Fighter 4 is on its way to the latest generation systems like the Xbox 360, PS3 and the Wii. I, however don't own any of these systems and really am not holding my breath on this newest chapter.

Am I too old? No. Am I pissed that it took over a decade for Capcom to count to 4? No. My real reason for not caring about SF4 is that I'm one of a few that remember the series true roots and the real secret to all its charm. Whatever 3d multi-polygon- cinematic shit comes of this new game will just depress me even more.

Sometimes change isn't always good.

Land before 'Prime' (aka: my 'Fuck Halo' article)

[Whilst I was prancing around at a Wal-mart, I noticed the racks I call the 'Covet wall'. The video game racks, this section of the store gets me a lot of shady looks, mostly because I get caught humping the PS3 case. I won't lie, I want that thing. Behind these racks of all I lust, I see it. HALO. ]

Fuck Halo!

Sorry x-box fans- it just has to be said.

During the holidays I was keeping my researching eye on the 3 latest and greatest consoles on the market: The Wii, PS3, and the Xbox 360. All of these systems are fantastic and each of them have that ONE great feature that separates one from the other, weather its a new fangled way to control games or graphics so good you can count the strands of the characters ass hair.It was amazing the Nintendo won some ground with its underpowered, yet innovatively functional Wii (last year which was the consoles launch they couldn't even give those things away).

There are some 'killer apps' that have debuted in games. Guitar Hero, where you use a fucked up controller to play 'imaginary riffs' of legendary songs. Rock Band- a game just like GH but way more complicated and covers all the instruments along with a guitar. These games are fine in my book but it kinda pisses me off that 'party games' seem to dominate right now as of writing this article (1-12-08). While games with stories and real epic scale seem to be out of ideas or taking from other greater ideas from the past (IE. Bionic Commando is getting a xBox 360 face lift).

In this pile of games that are either sequels, remakes or crap is a game that is so derivative and dull that it amazes me that people spend hours playing it. Ha-fucking-lo. I understand the greatness of its multiplayer functions, and I guess i just don't have that gene in me that digs being called slurs over and over and being fragged repeatedly by people who spend their lives playing this shit.

These people that play this game hours on end are a sad lot. Most of them unemployed and overweight. I'm sure many of them don't have girlfriends and if they do, they are most certainly embarrassed to be with that couch tumor that's playing Halo. There is a line fanboys must draw in order to keep things sane. There's 1.)a big fan, then there's 2.)pathetically obsessed, then 3.) useless to society. Number 1 is someone that plays a game moderately and has beaten the game a few times and at the most knows a few tricks and secrets. Number 2 is someone that knows all the tricks, but still has to enter a cheat code, look at an FAQ but hell if you want that 'Special ending' your going to have to make an effort even if your up till 3am and have to call in sick at work and sacrifice a night of sex. If your number 3, then fuck you. Number 3 people have no job, don't need sleep, and can't have sex because a giant roll of fat covers their genitalia. That fan is death matching against everyone via broadband, and doing it all from his mothers basement.

I love FPS's and its single player story is very well done, but this games level design leaves something to be desired. That something is VARIETY.

Before I go further I should point out whom you play as in Halo. The Master Chief. A bio engineered man in a battle suit from the future. The United Nations has awoken you from cryo-stasis while your spaceship is under attack. This idea isn't all that new nor original, in fact its Demolition Man meets Universal Soldier meets Aliens. What are you fighting against? The covenant, an alien race hell bent on destroying man because...

because... Shit they don't really mention that. Well at least not in the games campaign mode. Anyways the covenant are a diverse group with a few different ranks from tall foot soldiers called Elites to pint-sized pawns called Grunts that remind you of Ewoks from Star Wars. The one thing I found cool about this game is that Grunts are really pussies and run away screaming as you run behind them with barrels blazing.

The rest of Halo,-at least the first game-is dominated with repetitive levels that love to tease and force you to walk back through them 3 times or more. For a game that only came on 1 cd, it took me forever to finish it. The ending wasn't worth my time, either. Its a good game but not life consumingly good.

Many who grew up in the 80's and 90's remember a great series Nintendo came up with in the heyday of the NES. Metriod! This was a side scroller with a protagonist with a special suit and what was better is that inside that suit was a hot chick name Samus. Master Chief needed to go hunting and find weapons, while Samus was already armed. Samus had an arm cannon with unlimited regular ammo and could fire a variety of special rockets. The NES version of Metroid was interesting because Samus's suit was usually tight pants and a pair of 'fuck me' knee high moon boots. The Snes version she was more covered and in a suit that allowed her to morph into balls, and dash through whatever got into her way. For the time these were all amazing ideas and it was all original.

Samus is a bounty hunter, a free spirit, a lone wolf. She has her own damn spaceship. Her own weapons. Her mission is to recover a Metroid organism and bring it back to scientists for it to be analyzed. Metriods however are highly desirable and every slimy fuck in the galaxy wants to reproduce them and perhaps make them into a weapon. Its 1 woman against the universe and the only thing guarding her is her special suit.

Master Chief on the other hand is a total flunky. He is part of the United Nations armed forces and is forced to do what he's told. Aside from a protective suit he doesn't get much else, except for Cortana, an artificial intelligence program in the form of a woman that lives inside his helmet. Cortana is a nagging bitch, constantly telling Master Chief everything she thinks he needs to know. Sucks to be a puppet on a string for someone that isn't even real.

Super Metriod rocks. I loved this game during the SNES days. In fact everyone loved it, and it is long considered the best the SNES had to offer. The levels look lush and dark and surreal, the sound is organic and yet still very much other-worldly futuristic. The gameplay is very easy to follow, but at the same time there's a lot of times you have to 'figure it out for yourself'. Your first time playing this you will take hours trying to finish it. Over 3 hours in fact. Enemies are all very detailed and not all of them really attack you, most of them are just creatures on the planet of Zebus that are just minding their own business, while others just simply don't want you fucking around them at all. Dead enemies will leave power-ups and health assuring you that you should NEVER run low on anything unless your careless and fire rockets at anything that looks funny.

What sells SM to me the most is the music and sound. Its a great soundtrack- dark, mysterious. It actually reminds me of Jerry Goldsmith's Alien film score. Most of the levels have a Jaws-like pulse that massages the ear, telling you that your not in kansas anymore. Its beginning cinematic is creepy, just showing you a lab setting with the Metroid organism floating in a jar, the camera panning across it, and your ears catch the squeals of its screams. Whatever the Metroid is, its probably dangerous even if it does look kind of like a cute jellyfish. It might be cute, but jellyfish still sting.

Halo does use the concept of moving through the same level twice, SM has this as well, but its better used. The only reason your going through an area again on SM is because your suit has a new ability and you'll need to use that to attain a higher power-up or to advance to another level. Halo's use of this is scripted, unavoidable and really just comes off as a lazy way to lengthen the game. Jumping puzzles is a platform staple that always pisses me off. I never cared for Super Mario World's use of always moving platforms and the way Mario moved as if there was a layer of margarine on the floor. Metriod has jumping puzzles but they are easier to navigate due to Samus not having grease on the bottom of her boots. I once saw Samus fall 50 feet down a tunnel and landed just fine. On the other hand, Halo never is about making any fantastic leaps and very rarely will it matter how you time your moves. In fact, Halo doesn't even need a jump button, unless your avoiding a landmine or playing a deathmatch game and you want to really piss off someone by bouncing around like a bunny on meth. SM gave us a challenge but it was one that was satisfying to complete.

and finally...

Halo: Combat Evolved had 2 endings, if you beat the game on a regular difficulty, you got a regular ending. On the highly difficult Legendary setting you got a better ending. Since I don't have the fucking patience to barrel through the Legendary setting, I'll probably won't see the latter ending except for on Youtube. Super Metroid had 2 endings as well. If you defeated the but it took you over 3 hours you got to see Samus with the visor on her helmet off, revealing her face. If you defeated this monster sized game in UNDER 3 hours, you got to see her out of her suit and in her black undies. No shit. look it up here. For game made in these days, partial nudity was the ultimate reward and we never got to see it. I don't know anyone that could beat SM in under 3 hours. Halo's legendary ending cannot top Samus in a black swimsuit. Not in a million years.

Even with the great sound, playability, graphics and even a chance at T and A, Metroid didn't get another chance to shine until the GameCube released Metroid prime, which Halo stomped all over. Sad. The Game Cube had the best looking games and Microsoft still put a mudhole in its ass, and with what 'killer app'?

Fuck it, I'm not even going to say (or type) its name again.

Point is, if you love to collect SNES shit and you haven't had a chance at playing Super Metroid, your missing out on one of the best games the SNES ever made.

Worst Fighting Games of The 90's-Part 5-Atari's Pitfall

From the makers of such hits like :
ET: The Game (Still availiable 6 feet in the ground somewhere in New Mexico)
The Atari Jaguar system (Still availiable under the platform shoes in a bin at a goodwill... you gotta kinda dig for it)
and the smash hit translation of Pac-man (now availiable in a dumpster in New York City, happy diving you fucking BUM!)
Comes...
Damn it.

Pit Fighter-1990- Atari

I almost cannot consider this a 'fighting game'. You only can pick from 3 fighters and all 3 of them blow, there is a button to push in order to jump and the game really has no story other than "fight people and make money" . But since punching and kicking someone head to head is the name of the game in Pit Fighter, I guess you can consider it a fighting game.

This game was made by Atari games and was an arcade hit but for only 1 reason: it was the first fighting game to use photo-real digitized graphics. I'm sure however once the quarter was inside the machine and the player selected his fighter, the games horrible animation, uninspired characters and way-too-easy system of fighting kept them from depositing another 25 cents. (Is it me, or does Atari have a fascination with making shit?)

As I've mention you get to pic from 3 fighters, all of them pretty much the same. Kato, a black belt and karate kid ripoff. Ty, a kick boxer and rip off of Billy Blanks (I don't care if this game came first before ty-bo). Last and least-of-all-time we have Buzz, an ex-pro wrestler that unnecessarily wears black under-eye stripes because EVERY wrestler has to have some kind of gimmick.

The game takes place in abandoned warehouses and subways, and your surrounded by a huge throng of people that look and act as of they're on their way to the Jerry Springer studio after the fight. Surrounded by concrete walls and rabid human waste that wave around cash, you get the feeling that you've been there before, and if you don't get that feeling don't worry, you'll be fighting there again real soon. Over and over again.

Your fighter that you selected merely just on a frustrating whim will battle against REAL hardcore brawlers. Before a match however most of them have to get greased up to look grossly sweaty and then have to get drunk enough to move as slowly and stupidly as possible. The casting for this game must have been done at a biker bar somewhere near the Atari headquarters. The only interesting character I fought against was Angel, who is the only woman in the game. She dresses like a dominatrix, so I'll give them some points for at least trying to get sexy with this. Then there is former KFC employee, Southside Jim and greasy fat ass biker, CC rider. And who could forget rejected WWF wrestler, and gay porn actor Chainman Eddie, who NEVER uses chains to attack, he just wears chains for fashion (fabulous!).

This game was able to support up to 3 players but I doubt whom ever played this game had any friends. That person that was begging for 2 more players had already convinced everyone in the arcade that he was dangerously insane and playing a game like Pit Fighter proved it. So what was this lonesome dove with a roll of quarters to do? Maybe if he was brave enough, he could pay that woman across the street from the arcade to play with him. A good deed after all, what else is she gonna do? Scream at traffic about how the FBI put a chip in her brain. No way did the FBI do that, that's just political soapbox shit. The FBI in the 1990's was too busy putting "Winners don't use drugs" on the demo screen of nearly EVERY arcade game. Which is far more deplorable than putting a computer chip into a crack whore's brain. It was also WAY less effective at keeping kids off of drugs as the Nintendo anti-drug smash hit Wally Bear and the NO Gang.

opps, I forgot I have a review to do here...

Drugs might have made Pit Fighter tolerable. It might have also made the lousy animation move a little smoother. The digitized graphics of that time may have been a little too sketchy to make a FULL game. One might say this was just a first step in making games like Mortal Kombat... Whatever. When Mortal Kombat hit consoles later on, the reaction was huge and people were buying Genesis and SNES systems left and right. When Pit Fighter premiered on home systems people played the game for about 5 minutes, then traded it in for 5 minutes alone with the aforementioned street-walker they met outside the arcade.

God bless her. Even after getting a cigarette put out in her eye, then having to attack that 'john' with a broken ashtray, she still finds time for games.